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Creepy man

25 replies

clarissa2 · 24/02/2020 18:07

NC for this. I can't discuss this with anyone IRL and don't know what to do.

About 6 months ago I entered a friendship with a man at my new job. I've had lots of friendships with people of all ages before, and never thought age was a barrier to friendship. He is 35 years older.

At around the same time, someone very close to me died and I was at a loss of how to carry on. I was dosed up on medication to get by in every day life. He offered me a shoulder to cry on so to speak, as well as a friendly ear. We messaged each other outside work and he said he cared about me, was there for me, etc. We met up outside work a few times when I was at my lowest, he said he wanted to help me as a friend.

He then started to act differently when we were together. He kept hugging me, saying it was to comfort me. He then started kissing me, first my head, then cheeks at first. He would put his arm around me and move his hand around on my breast (over clothes). I told myself this was an accident, and felt embarrassed to say anything at the same. About a month later I asked him about it, he said it was an accident but he enjoyed it Confused

Then he started to get even weirder, and kissed me on the lips, and held me still with his hands on my shoulders. I was shocked and repulsed and froZe. He wouldn't let me go so I felt the only way to get him to stop was to kiss him back. I was wrong, and he tried again. Afterwards I told him that would never happen again and he promised it wouldn't. Yet he tried again next time. He kept saying he loves and cares for me, and I should be nice and loving in return. I should probably mention he has a wife and kids older than me.

About 2 months ago I came to my senses and told him I wasn't going to have a friendship with him anymore, we would just be colleagues. He didn't take this well, he kept asking why I have changed, and said I should be open to love and his affection, and said we could just be friends without anything else. I don't believe it and I've started to be curt back to him when our paths cross, but it's hard as he's higher than me at work.

The experience has made me feel violated and I feel disgusted whenever I see him. No one at work knows, and there would be shockwaves if people found out. People joke about him being strange, but there would be complete shock if they knew just how strange.

I feel it's my fault, as if I sent the wrong messages by meeting up with him etc. But I've had friendships before where there was no expectation beyond friendship. I can't tell anyone because people may think I asked for it by agreeing to meet up with him and I couldn't take the shame of people thinking I wanted him or this. Sad

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 24/02/2020 18:11

I do think you sent mixed messages by kissing him back, not sure why you thought that would mean he would stop? How old is he if he is 35 years older? Are you very young ?

clarissa2 · 24/02/2020 18:12

He's in his 60s

OP posts:
Pandamoore · 24/02/2020 18:22

He's a creepy old man. Sorry but, he was never your friend. He was just looking for a way in. Grooming you. It might be wise to look for another job. He might not be safe to be around seen as he has this narrative now that he can tell himself that you must have liked him back a little and just be confused atm or some other bullshit as he has no shame. Start job hunting.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/02/2020 18:24

You were taken advantage of by a predatory man when you were bereaved. I would think he is also someone who has perhaps targeted women in a similar manner before now. He took his senior position at work along with your trust in him and abused these completely. His actions were all about wanting power and control.

I would look for another job asap and consider reporting him to HR; do not let him get away with this because he could well go onto abuse other women in the same manner. You may also want to speak to the Police re this matter too.

category12 · 24/02/2020 18:27

I'd look for another job.

In the meantime, don't spend time alone with him, don't engage in conversations about personal matters and don't answer non-work-related messages/calls etc outside of work hours.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 24/02/2020 18:28

Sorry but I'm a bit confused as to why you would call him creepy, he flirted with you as a friend, and gradually it got into more than friendship which he thought you wanted because you reciprocated his kiss.. Yes he should accept you don't want anything with him but he honestly sounds like someone who has flirted and tried it on with you and had you kissing him back..
Wasn't his fault that you couldn't say no and just went with it.

I would message him and say that if he messages you again then you will go to hr and report harassment as you are no longer interested in a friendship with him

GilbertMarkham · 24/02/2020 18:30

Groomer.

The kidding theory is weird but then people can be very irrational esp under pressure/fresked out.

It's not your fault.

Could you get a new job easily?

GilbertMarkham · 24/02/2020 18:31

*kissing

clarissa2 · 24/02/2020 18:38

Sorry there are things I missed out because I didn't want to make my OP too long.

Creepy because he keeps messaging me despite me not replying. He always seems to be watching me, every morning when I get in I see him watching my outside the window, and whenever I go to the loo I walk past his office, and he comes out too. When I go outside he seems to watch me, and messages me asking if I'm having fun outside. He works on another side of the building but keeps coming over to my desk for trivial things.

He always comments on what I am wearing and sends me messages about it - if I wear a skirt he says I must want attention from the men today, and feel like showing my legs off. He gets visibly jealous and sulks whenever I speak to other men, others have even remarked and joked about it. There's a long list of the creepy things he does.

OP posts:
BilboBercow · 24/02/2020 18:38

Ignore the mixed messages stuff. He's a creep who preyed on a much younger junior colleague when you were at a very low point. Blank him completely and if he won't leave you alone speak with HR.

LittleWing80 · 24/02/2020 18:43

He is an old creep in position of seniority. Are the messages about what you wear / how you look in writing? I would personally take them to HR.

category12 · 24/02/2020 18:44

Is this a personal number/email he's messaging you on?

If so, block him.

If he's using work-phones/email, that's even more inappropriate - send him a message saying that you find his messages inappropriate and to keep it to business matters only.

PumpkinP · 24/02/2020 18:56

I would leave the job tbh. My sister has a man at work that harasses her. I told her to report him but she said you don’t report people who you work with as they can make your life hell. She’s blocking him when she leaves (though she’s never met up with him or kissed him)

Ifonlywecouldwishuponastar · 24/02/2020 19:06

Go to hr? Or look for another job?

Candymay · 24/02/2020 19:18

Sounds weird. I’d confide in others at work I think. Then someone could have a word with him. Also you could block his number?

Strongmummy · 24/02/2020 19:25

You’ve been naive, but you were very low. I also understand the flawed logic that if you kissed him back he’d stop. He groomed you and took advantage. Go to HR with your concerns. He sounds vile

RositaEspinosa · 24/02/2020 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gutterton · 24/02/2020 19:33

A lot of victim blaming on this thread. A young woman in her early 20s deeply bereaved to the point of not wanting to carry on was targeted by a predatory, senior older male in a position of power and privilege. On the day that HW is found guilty I am disappointed to read this.

She explained that kissing back was an escape tactic - it didn’t work, alongside asking him not to touch her breast, message her, leave her alone......

Go to HR and tell them that you will also report to the police. He will have form. You have ample evidence of harassment - definition of which is when communication continues when you have asked twice to stop.

I am so sorry that this happened to you when you were at your most vulnerable. I am so sorry for your loss.

There are no words for how low some creepy predatory men will stoop.

PaterPower · 24/02/2020 19:41

You shouldn’t have to leave your job over HIS unwanted advances. And if your work’s HR team are at all switched on then they’ll stamp on this hard. Your situation is a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen, particularly as he’s senior to you.

You need to tell him, very clearly and in writing, that you don’t want any further contact or comments from him and that any communication should only be what’s essential for work. You also tell him that you will involve HR if he ignores this.

Then make sure you report to HR as soon as he steps over the line (he likely will). If he makes comments about what you’re wearing, state that you don’t appreciate his comments - and do it firmly and loudly so colleagues hear it. He’ll get the message quickly if he thinks his job’s going to be at risk.

LittleWing80 · 24/02/2020 19:45

OP don’t leave your job and don’t feel you have done anything wrong. Especially if you have messages from him (it doesn’t matter if it’s on personal or professional phone / email, it gets you out of the ‘his word against mine scenario. Please go to your HR with your evidence. Don’t talk to anyone else, you don’t need to.

Gutterton · 24/02/2020 19:48

Agree don’t involve colleagues - do direct and tell HR absolutely everything that you have written here.

icelollycraving · 24/02/2020 19:51

Not sure why you thought kissing him back was a good brush off. Saying that, you were grieving and perhaps vulnerable.
He sounds grim and predatory. I would speak to HR.

BoredOfTheBoard · 24/02/2020 21:00

I would def speak to HR and the police. I'd bet my bottom dollar this is not the first time hes done this. Everyone might not be nearly as shocked as you think

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