I am the adult daughter of an emotionally immature mother. I have siblings and we all have our own families. My parents are married.
DM had ongoing mild-moderate-severe mental health difficulties throughout our childhood. We were looked after by a grandparents quite a lot of the time.
In adulthood, we each have our own problems: one sibling is under the care of an outpatient psychiatric unit, children are on social service's radar, history of violence towards us siblings, parents, & partners. Other siblings are insecure and range from apathy to overly emotional.
My relationship with my parents is fairly good in adulthood and I enjoy their company. DM is stable but can struggle to regulate her emotions when things are serious! I feel like I'm the "carer" and am often used as the family counsellor/cook/child care/etc... that's all fine, I don't mind looking after people.
However, in the past, I've had very low expectations/standards as to how people treat me. I've tolerated violence and aggression from a sibling, bullying in the workplace, awful behaviour from ILs... people think of me as "resilient" but I'm not, I have very low self esteem and self confidence.
I have suffered in the past and have seriously contemplated suicide on two occasions... I do not have feelings like that now.
Most people wouldn't have the slightest inkling of how bad I've felt. I'm a professional with a good career, I'm fun socially, my work colleagues love me, we have hobbies and do lots of activities, I even have a meal plan!!
I've got a catalogue of self help books but I still find things quite difficult.
I have a very poor maternal role model and have no idea if I'm ruining my own children's mental health. Today, my children refused to eat lunch and I felt pissed off so I told them we wouldn't be going out to a cafe (a treat) this afternoon. They sheepishly came to find me with empty plates and apologies. I felt like scum... I remembered feeling guilty and wanting to please my own mother in childhood.
I don't know what I want from posting... I don't want to continue a cycle of crap parenting.