What can I do or is it over?

[thesafetydancer]

Been together 17 years, married for 8, both late 30's, one DC 8. Over the years have tried for more children but it's never worked out, and I am now terrified of pregnancy as I get so unwell, both agree not to try again, but that doesn't stop me feeling so sad about it all. DH doesn't bring any of it up, he see's me upset or crying and just ignores it.

He never really talks to me or even asks how I am. It's like he has zero emotions, but seemingly is happy on a day to day basis.
If he does talk to me it's to ask what shall we have for tea, or he'll ask a question and answer it all in one sentence so like 'shall we have fish tonight, I've taken it out the freezer' so there's nothing for me to even say!
I've stopped answering him now or I just give one word answers. He hasn't even noticed.

Have tried so many times to ask him how he feels, or to open up, and his repeat response is 'you think about things more than me', or he'll say 'I don't think about things'. We had couples counselling years ago but that didn't work as he just said things would change and they didn't. I've suggested counselling for him so many times and he says he will for himself but he hasn't done anything about it.
He honestly has no opinion on stuff that's happening in the world either, if it doesn't effect him direct then he literally doesn't think about it.

Am at a complete loss as I'm worried I'm becoming depressed, I feel so lonely all the time. We haven't had sex in months and to be honest I'm not finding him attractive at all (he has put on weight but we both have), but there's zero connection or intimacy there. Again he's not even bothered about sex, when I've asked him says 'yes we must make more of an effort', I've bought new underwear, toys, and he has gone along with it but just so uninterested. So I gave up.

I've booked us meals out, fun new experiences to try like a cooking class/exercise class, nights away, but whilst he chats endlessly to his friends on their WhatsApp group he has nothing to say to me. I've asked if he thinks we should have a break or split up and he repeats he 'just wants me and DC and for me to be happy'.

It's like banging my head against a brick wall. He is completely content with life!

What can I do / try next? Or is it me expecting too much?

I've stopped answering him now or I just give one word answers. He hasn't even noticed

That’s really sad

I’m not sure what the answer is here. It seems like once it’s got to this point, dragging it back from the brink of divorce takes a huge effort from you both and it doesn’t sound like he’ll be bothered enough to put the effort in.

Maybe a trial separation would help? Give you both a chance to miss each other, work out if you’re actually happier apart or whether the good parts of your relationship are enough to bring you back to each other.

Otherwise counselling might work, but it doesn’t sound like he’s very good at talking about his feelings, so maybe not. You certainly can’t live the rest of your life like this though. It sounds likes it’s crushing your spirit.

You're absolutely right, I feel like my spirit is being crushed. Not easy for me to leave as have no where to go and he runs his business from home.
Literally feel so stuck, and don't know what to do.

Anyone with advice please?

I don't really have advice but you are not alone. You have been together for a long time and it's hard work to keep things going in this day of subscription lifestyles. It sounds like you have tried. I know giving one word answers might make you feel better in the moment but if you do want to save your marriage you need to keep trying to communicate. If you both give up there will be no hope. I'm not judging just trying to help. Have you discussed a trial separation? Do you think if you take some time to join a class or get out with friends he might notice you thriving and it could motivate him to make more of an effort? I feel your pain I have a husband who struggles with depression an it's hard to get him to communicate.

Hello sorry you are going through this. Do you think he’s depressed - is his business ok, is he worried or distracted by that? Does he go out with friends or do sports or activities alone?

You need a serious conversation and tell him how unhappy you are that you’ve drifted apart and does he want to end the marriage? He needs to wake up to the reality of the situation.

I know its disappointing when you want more children and cant have them, but you’ll come to terms with it in time.

You’ve got to get him to understand the seriousness of the problem somehow.

He goes out 3-4 times a week and does various sporting activities. His business is fine and he says how much he lives what he does so I don't think it is depression as such?
Good advice for me to go out and make more of an effort, I just worry I'll drift further away from the relationship but it's probably worth a try.
Any suggestions how to get through to him the seriousness? Am I expecting too much?

It doesnt sound like he’s depressed then.

Can you get a babysitter and have a talk with him. Make a big thing of it and really serious and ask if he wants to continue the marriage. Good luck

What about writing yourself a letter with all the things you want answers for and what you want from your marriage. When I try to talk to my husband I get flustered and emotional and can't remember half the stuff I wanted to talk about. Then look back over it a few times and if you feel it's calm and non judgmental then ask him if you can share it with him? You are not being unreasonable. Has communication always been hard work or only since the trouble of expanding your family? X

It sounds like he has what he needs, and you don't.

He's content and occupied and either doesn't need the emotional and sexual connection or has that need met elsewhere.

You've talked, tried counselling, and tried repeatedly, so that doesn't leave much.

Do you own or rent together?

What’s going on in your life op? Are you working? Do you enjoy it? Do you have a lot of friendships? Socialising? Do you do any sports? Live nearby to family you see often?

He sounds content. You aren't, it sounds like you need a partner who is more in touch with his emotions and interested in the broader world.

It is actually very common for men to experience life without much emotion, because of how we bring up boys in this culture. Many men lack any language for feelings and have an inability to connect the physical sensations of emotions to names for emotions... so if you ask them how they feel about something, they literally do not know. This is called normative male alexithymia. It makes many types of counselling almost completely useless. Unless the man takes himself off to specialized counseling first where he learns to name his emotions... even then, he will never be hugely competent at it.

And if you dont experience emotions.. well... you're not really going to have strong opinions about stuff, unless it's directly affecting you. You won't see the point of getting worked up, or even interested.

This kind of man needs a very simple, very uncomplicated, dare I say it very very dull, sort of partner - which you aren't, clearly. You can't change him.

You could stay with him and focus on your friendships. You could open the marriage up. You could leave. And/or you could go to counselling yourself.

I'm sure hes nice enough, and he probably wants the best for you, but what you're seeking - intimacy, interest, passion of some kind - isn't to be found with him, I don't think.

It sounds miserable, I feel for you.

Do you get time to go out with friends or have hobbies? Ensure that you still have fun in life and do things you enjoy? If nothing else that ensures you have your own life if you do split and potentially gives you something to talk more about if he ever does get more engaged.

It just sounds like it has run it's course to be honest. It's not a healthy or intimate relationship and a successful relationship is one where both parties are fulfilled by it. If he is happy enough as is OP that doesn't mean you may as well try to put up with it. It's not a 'well it is enough for him so it should be enough for me' scenario. Relationships peter out, people change and want more from life and there does come a point where you have to acknowledge that the time spent looking for your partner to deliver more (when they won't) has elapsed and the person who needs to give themselves more is yourself, by contemplating leaving.

You have to judge based on what you actually have, not what you wished you had or what you want someone else to be. What you realistically have sounds like it is heavily affecting your enjoyment of life and sucking the life our of you.

A letter is a good idea, I've tried that before and it helped as I can get a bit emotional.
We own joint mortgage but I have very limited income as my job is very very part time (but very fulfilling). No family on my side but his elderly parents are local.
I've become very introverted over the last 5 years or so, my friends all have young families so are busy, I don't even have any real hobbies actually thinking about it...?
Perhaps the problem is more with me then?!

@rvby This is him. He would happily lead a very dull life, exactly like his old parents.

Reading this might help a bit:

www.huffpost.com/entry/alexithymia-does-my-partn_b_8130914

It's ok that he is like this, but you dont have to stay married to someone with whom you can't really connect. At the same time, there are strengths to folk who are like this. They can be amazing during times of crisis, they can be dependable and steady.

There are alternatives to splitting up - I do think you might benefit a lot from getting some proper hobbies on the go, and meeting new people. Your dh doesn't have to meet all your needs. You can experiment with having some needs met elsewhere, and see how that goes.

I will say, my exh was a very emotional and passionate person. He was also hugely manipulative and abusive. My current dp is less in touch with himself in many ways - but he is calm, lovely, and self sufficient in a way that allows me to be me. My ex was really engulfing and exhausting. I had no space to be myself. It was all about us and our feelings.

If you build a life outside of your marriage, you may find that you start to see your husband differently over time. Perhaps you will learn to appreciate his simplicity if you ensure the rest of your life is filled with stimulating things?

You can find your way op, just take good care and get support.

You sound very dependent oh him for your own happiness...
Invest some of that energy in yourself instead... whether it's a new hobby/expand your career/ counselling for yourself..
I found a mindfulness course useful and also making an effort on catching up with friends

Why do you think he has a dull life if he works full time, runs his own business, and goes our socially three or four times a week, doing sport and his hobbies etc and chats regularly to his friends.?

That does not sound remotely dull to me.

You work very very part time, what else do you do? Is this the issue. If you don’t socialise, don’t really work, what do you actually do?

Maybe, and I mean this gently, he has got on with his life, filled it Up with friends, social events, hobbies and sports. It seems maybe you have not. And there lies the issue.

It seems like you look for fulfilment within the relationship, and he doesn't. You can't make him change to want what you want. Your needs aren't being met, and it doesn't look like he's capable of meeting them.

So, it's whether you improve your own life by also taking up hobbies, investing more in friendships and building up a social network of your own and hopefully feel better about things generally. Or whether you look to split up.

Whatever the outcome, it would be wise to work on building up a happy life for yourself that's not dependent on him. Perhaps it's time to stop working very very part-time and do more hours, and start building up your social life.

Agree, it seems it might be, and I mean this politely, that it’s your life you find dull, not his. He has to some extent disengaged. He is clearly busy, with his work, his social life, his friends, his sports and his hobbies and possibly doesn’t over think things as he thinks you do.

Maybe if you worked more, socialised more with people other than him, you would have other things to occupy your mind, to chat about,, and it might become easier if all the focus wasn’t on him.

Could you work more if you find your role fullfilling? Is there any form of hobby or sport that interests you? What about making new friends, is there any clubs you could join? From a book club, to even learning a new language?

Instead Of focusing on him to solve the issues you feel exist, and your lonleyness maybe take some control, get out there and build a life outside your husband and child, whilst treasuring what you have at home, you might find you feel better.

I think it sounds like he doesn't know how to help you so he's doing the typical male thing of putting a front on and ignoring it. Really you need to talk properly. I wouldn't give up on him yet I think you'll be surprised by what he's actually thinking

Maybe, and I mean this gently, he has got on with his life, filled it Up with friends, social events, hobbies and sports. It seems maybe you have not. And there lies the issue.
This sprang out to me also. Another person cannot be fully responsible for your happiness, although they can contribute towards it.
Your friends are busy, you have no family; you mention he has both.
Focus on yourself and, when you feel more fulfilled, you may find your marriage blossoms.