I feel like I don't deserve my boyfriend

[jinniefromtheblock]

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and I've always had this secret fear that I don't actually deserve him.

He's a very openly romantic guy and he'll have no problem writing me soppy letters and telling me how much he adores me. He'll look me in the eye and says things like "you're perfect", "I love every inch of you", "you're my one and only." It's not that I don't like it but I just feel bad
because I just don't say those kinds of things myself and I'm not good with the words.

My love for him is more understated. I think we are good together but I don't believe in soul mates and I don't think anybody is perfect (we all have flaws). I think he's a really great guy with lots of positive attributes and I'm lucky to have him in my life, but I don't feel tons of fireworks like he does. I just feel a low-key safeness and contentment.

Before him, I had only ever been in one-sided or abusive relationships. The love I felt for these people was super intense and my entire life revolved around them and sometimes I wonder why I don't feel the same way for my bf.

It's very different now; it's mature, it's stable, and it more grounded in reality. We may very well spend the rest of our lives together and it's really scary for me. I start thinking about silly things like "what if I get tired of his jokes?", "what if our parents don't get along?" etc. Then I feel so guilty because his reply would be "So what? I'd still love you." He doesn't get as many doubts or anxiety like I do. Does this mean I don't deserve him?

Of course not, my now DH was like that, believe me it doesn't last long I am not that way at all but I really liked him so put up with it, he calmed down eventually. He used to cling to me at family do's. My family were in stitches as it was so unlike me to put up with that shite. Looking back I cringe to be honest

Do you think you will work otherwise?

My husband sounds just like him! And I am understated - I show my love usually with cups of tea, favourite meals, thoughtful gifts, then cuddles and then talk.
Warm, deep contentment is the long term love in my opinion...it sounds like you may have found a decent man and you are insecure - maybe try and work out why? I am hugely insecure about my oooks, about being loveable, yet I know my husband truly does cherish me.
Talk to him about anxieties, it does help.

I think you’ve identified the wrong problem. You think because he’s nice, romantic and complimentary etc that he must be the one for you, but actually you sound quite bored by him, and that’s what’s making you feel you don’t deserve him? I would say listen to your negative feelings.

Your previous experience of love has been traumatic and dramatic and tempestuous due to the abuse. It's likely the intensity of the feelings you had was "traumatic bonding", which is not something you should seek out. I would do the freedom programme and some counselling and see where you are with things.

It sounds like you're in a good and loving relationship and you do deserve to feel loved and safe. Don't throw it away because you were taught love comes with a fist.