Are my expectations too high?

[Imtotallyfine]

Hi all!
I’m ten weeks pregnant and have been, tired, sore and sick- the usual - but I am struggling a little.

DH is normally very supportive but I am feeling a bit of a disconnect. I know I am very fortunate, and I don’t want to sound like a raging hormonal person but it’s silly things, like when I asked him to pick up some heavy shopping he huffed and asked why. He asked me what was wrong the other day and I said I think I needed something to eat because I was feeling really nauseous he then just rolled over. He then kept asking me what was wrong after I had told him which was really frustrating. I was having a particularly bad day and forgot to take my vitamins- he reminded me but when I said I felt really unwell and asked if he’d get them he said he was too sleepy. One night we had very little food in and he’s suggested I go in the car and get something if I am hungry - I was in my PJs, face covered in acne, it was dark and wet, he was in clothes, it would have been much easier for him to go. He’s also been a bit more demanding - he’s been saying he’s too tired to make his own dinner, and asked me to do it. It’s odd though- because whenever I’ve been unwell, or stressed before I was pregnant he’s normally incredibly supportive and a wonderful guy. I’m not sure.

I give him updates on what the progress is, but I feel he’s uninterested. I thought he would maybe want to hold my tummy, I know I’m not showing or anything so maybe I’m being silly. I suggested he downloaded an app but he hasn’t bothered.

He’s been doing a lot of DIY around the house, which I appreciate but some of it has been totally unnecessary. Anytime I suggest starting on looking at our bedroom which would make more sense he gets annoyed like I don’t see what he’s already done.

I’ve tried to speak to him but he says I’m being a drama queen and overreacting and I’m only pregnant. I feel like I can’t speak to him now without him getting overly sensitive. I know I’m being sensitive too but I am feeling so lost right now. Are my expectations too high?

You should probably get this moved to relationships.

No you're expectations aren't too high.

He's being a twat.

Does he have form?

Oh sorry - I’m fairly new to this, how can I move it?

No this is the thing- he’s normally great, patient, kind, etc. But there has been a marked difference since we found out. He just seems disinterested, we were trying so it’s not a surprise or anything to him. It’s like it’s a hobby of mine he is mildly interested in - there seems to be a bit of a lack of empathy.

If you want to get it moved you can report your own post and ask.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with him about his attitude. Dismissing you as hormonal, dismissing your feelings and experiences is not ok. Does he want this baby? Does he want to be a father? Does he want to be in a relationship with you? If so he needs to support you, that's part of the deal.

If he's not willing to do that, he will continue to let you down and your frustration and resentment will just grow and grow.

I think it’s a bit of a two way thing here.. I’d say he hasn’t really fully grasped how rubbish the first trimester can & has made you feel. From your post, the vibe I get is that he seems to think you are making a fuss & perhaps being a bit demanding just because you are pregnant. I don’t think it’s that uncommon for men to not really get it.. especially if you are not obviously very unwell (ie. I get hyperemesis & I’m sick 3000 times a day, so it’s fairly clear I’m quite poorly).

On the flip side, I think to a degree, your hormones are making you over react a little to some things, although you aren’t being particularly unreasonable! Yes, it’d be lovely for him to get up & make you some food if you feel sick but I think perhaps that ties into the above. He doesn’t get how shitty you feel. So he can’t fathom why you need him too. Similarly with cooking him dinner, seems he is perhaps trying to play you at the tiredness game. I genuinely think he thinks that you are ‘only pregnant’ not ill & therefore life should continue as normal.

Re-being interested in baby, this seems to be so common. I’d say he’s either nervous & hiding it by indifference or he is just being a typical male, or maybe both. Nothing changes for the man. They are expecting a baby but life carries on as normal. It must be quite surreal for them, especially at first. My OH is fantastic (and I really cannot sing his praises enough, he’s a brilliant person & dad) but he’s not particularly interested in the early days. He’ll listen when I tell him baby is the size of an apple but that’s about it! The talking to & holding the stomach thing comes much later when my bump appears! Even then, I think sometimes he finds it a bit odd talking to my stomach but he enjoys feeling the kicks! I’m sure as time progress & you have your scan & start buying things for baby, his interest will pick up!

I think you guys just need a really honest chat. Explain how poorly/tired/emotional you’ve been feeling & maybe even email him some facts on pregnancy & the first trimester. Talk & say that sometimes you do feel really unwell & would appreciate some support/sympathy etc. Do this at a time when you are both relaxed, not mid argument or annoyed at each other! He needs to get on board with the idea pregnancy isn’t a walk in the park. It’s hard at times. But sounds like he needs this spelling out to him!

My husband struggled a bit until after the 20wk scan and knowing all was ok.
He also did tons of unnecessary DIY-that was his form of nesting.

I do think you are seeing more than necessary and being a bit princess like-you aren’t ill and don’t have HG and unless you pregnancy is very high risk you should just be getting in with life as normal. You don’t need waiting on yet. When you are in late pregnancy its a different matter.

I carried in mucking out horses, lifting feed and bales until my due date. You aren’t fragile.

Reading your post, I think it's hard to know. I think it's quite possible he doesn't get how sick you might feel and isn't quite as into/excited about the pregnancy yet. Perhaps he's got some anxieties about it and isn't saying. My husband is very keen to have a baby, but he wasn't bothered about knowing what size fruit it was in the first few weeks.

Looking back, I was extremely hormomal/emotional in the first few weeks and I did some things that were quite out of character for me. I think partners are in a bit of a no win situation of they point out you might be "hormonal" because it'll almost certainly infuriate you, but in my case was true! My husband was pretty patient with me and we just rode it out till it got better. If he's normally supportive I would try not to worry about things too much and see how the next few weeks go. Also, possibly think about what is actually important in terms of what's he's doing and what isn't. I mean things like, he has got ages to do DIY in the bedroom but it's more important he helps get you something to eat if you feel sick.

Hope things get better

@Megan2018 I think that's really harsh. Just because you felt capable of carrying on as usual doesn't mean everyone does.

OP tiredness and nausea, while massively debilitating, are not very "visible" symptoms and if you haven't suffered with them yourself it can be hard to understand quite how horrible they are to experience. I'm "lucky" in that my partner has CFS and digestion problems so he gets it completely (although half the time he's even more tired than I am which doesn't really help!). Is this your first? I'm not sure what to suggest to get through to him but maybe after the 12 week scan it'll seem more real and he'll buck up a bit??

I don't think partners realize how hard it can be I was really unwell the first 4 months but had to just get on with it with partners hours the carrying shopping and making something to eat you should still be able to do though.

I think you are being a bit precious
Tbh I couldnt think of anything worse than having a partner over involved with my pregnancy .Pregnancy sickness isnt nice but you arent ill or incapable and sometimes you just need to get on with it
Moaning about your partner on here isnt healthy as you will get loads of posters telling you how horrible he is and you will believe them
Just think how you would feel if he was moaning about you to all and sundry

"He’s also been a bit more demanding - he’s been saying he’s too tired to make his own dinner, and asked me to do it."

Asking his pregnant partner to make him dinner but not willing to do similar favours in return, and moaning when she asks him to help carry some shopping

Getting annoyed when she tries to discuss DIY priorities with him

"he says I’m being a drama queen and overreacting"

Dismissing her feelings.

And most of you think this is ok. The bar is low!!!

I’m 17 weeks now. First trimester I felt DH was a bit uninterested - I think now I look back that was a combination of him protecting himself by not getting invested in case of miscarriage, but also my hormones weren’t helping me. I think it doesn’t quite seem real for them until you’re showing, it’s all a bit hypothetical. I’ve also had to remind DH I’m not meant to be lifting anything too heavy - he rolled his eyes jokingly yesterday when I asked him to carry a suitcase downstairs until I said ‘you know this is genuinely what you’re meant to be doing for me right now ’ and I think something clicked slightly, like, oh yeah, she’s not doing it for a joke, this is my job right now.

That said some of the above is a bit concerning, it’s one thing to not be bounding with excitement and talking about it constantly, it’s another to refuse to help when explicitly asked. 10 weeks was when I definitely felt my worst and DH wouldn’t have said no if I’d asked him to get me something and on days when I felt unwell I’d tell him I didn’t feel up to doing dinner and he’d cook, wash up, whatever.

Does he have any friends who have children? I don’t know how you’d orchestrate it but perhaps he needs a bit of a chat with a mate who can say ‘look, this is just how it is, she needs you to do some stuff’. DH has a book called pregnancy for men which I got him for Xmas - I very nicely asked him to read a couple of chapters and it’s got a few tips in there that (because I read it before I gave it to him) I know he’s pinched for example he suggested we swap sides of the bed so that I can get to the bathroom more easily in the night. I didn’t mention I knew it was from the book and just thanked him effusively for the great suggestion - I think it helped him feel more practically involved?

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

Your DH needs educating on how pregnancy takes it's toll on the body, eg tiredness, fatigue and hormones.

Thank you everyone - some of these are very helpful indeed! I think the 12 week scan will help, @Dollywilde great idea re the book. @pelirocco123 I find mumsnet to be fairly level and fair - certainly not a place for husband bashing, and rather than moaning I think I was looking for some suggestions on what to do - which is exactly what has happened! Thank you to all who took the time to post.