I'm a big girl and I should be over him by now...

[hononamesleft]

Hi, my 30 year marriage ended 5 years ago when out of the blue he walked out. He said he just didn't love me any more but couldn't give me a reason why: he'd say 'it was lots of things' or 'I can't give you an answer I'm not trying to hide anything, I just don't know'. I thought my poor lovely husband must be having a midlife crisis and was very concerned, accommodating and kind towards him despite feeling utterly devastated at his departure.

I thought we were happy; looking back he'd been fairly difficult to live with for the last year or so since he packed in his job; very moody to put it mildly, and I reacted by absorbing myself with the children. One day it all seemed to come to a head and he had a go at me shouting 'what the hell's the matter with you we might as well pack it in'. As far as I knew there was nothing the matter with me and if there was I would have told him?

I was so fed up with him suddenly shouting at me after being so withdrawn and distant although I had been trying to help by talking to him.. He would just push me away by saying he was 'fine'. And glare at me. I assumed (wrongly) that given how difficult his job had been, he wouldn't need so much support and things would be resolved once he left, but he just became more withdrawn and nothing I did to try to help seemed to actually make any difference. So when he shouted at me I was so surprised and felt so unjustly attacked that I told him exactly what I thought, including stuff like I wouldn't move abroad with him as he was. Both barrels. I didn't mean half of it. I assumed that having been married so long it would be ok. We were best friends together forever. He didn't shout back, He just sat there. Which was horrible. Afterwards he said he didn't know how to make it better and that I resented him. I said that wasn't what I had said (as I didn't and never had resented him) but that everything would be ok, because it had to be.

A year later he was gone and he won't be coming back. I can't stop blaming myself for wrecking everything with my words. He claims he can't even remember the argument.

I should so be over this by now. I would be better if I thought that it was all just him; but I am haunted by that argument. I want to put my arms around him and let him know how sorry I am but I can't and he has moved on long ago. I just can't believe it happened to my marriage. Or that he would leave me. It still doesn't make sense. I feel so so alone. The kids are great and a distraction but I can't even consider another man. I am nearly 60 and I think I might as well just end it all. If it wasn't going to hurt the kids so much I would. They think their dad ran away and that he is weak. His whole family have been married multiple times and his father had lots of affairs when he was growing up. My parents were together and in love until they died. How the hell do I stop being haunted by this?

Well I think you have to start by accepting that the argument was a symptom of the breakdown rather than the cause. At least thats what I get from your OP. Even xh cant remember it, so it cant have had such an impact on him.

You are so much more than how your marriage ended. It must be a real shock when you are in it for life but the other person isnt. You had 28 good years together - thats REALLY good going.

If this is still consuming you 5 yrs on I think you ought to find a therapist because you cant spend the rest of your life fixated on one argument.

Why do you think you should be over this by now? 30 years of marriage is massive - and then a very traumatic end to it. Of course you won't be over it.
But you do need to stop dwelling on that one argument - from the sounds of it he'd have left even if you hadn't told him what you thought - he'd already checked out. Sometimes that's just what happens.
I agree that you need some therapy to help you move on from this. If you can afford to pay, look at the Mind website and your area, and they will come up with a recommended list of local therapists (otherwise speak to your GP). They can't wave a magic wand and make it all go away, but they can help you to process what happened and why. And go easy on yourself - you've gone through a hell of lot.

You are looking for a reason to blame yourself, but it's clear that he was unhappy before the argument. People don't walk away from a marriage of significant length for no reason.

It would have been helpful for you if he gave you an actual reason, but perhaps he was just wanting to spare your feelings.

It's so hard to accept a loss of this magnitude, but perhaps counselling will help you accept what has happened. It sounds like you have blamed yourself so you don't have to accept it, which is understandable.

I know it must be hard to imagine a future without him, but he has gone and working on accepting that, and all the finality that encompasses, is what is needed

How has he been since the break up OP? What's his life like?

Sometimes these things are beyond our control and you were just reacting to his withdrawing and checking out of the relationship. There’s nothing you could have done to change the outcome and now you really need to appreciative yourself and do eveything you can to enjoy your life and your well deserved freedom

Its maybe easier to blame yourself than to accept he just didn't love you anymore. That is probably hard to accept. You could be using the argument to try to make sense of his reasons for leaving but its highly likely it made much difference to how he was already feeling. You have nothing to feel sorry for. Perhaps some counselling may help.

@hononamesleft this is my story too.

If it will comfort you at all? I DID go with him overseas.

IT MADE NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL to the outcome.

I hope you find that a comfort. Otherwise, my story is your story.

Except it is 10 years and I am sad every day. He is now on soulmate #4, they are engaged and live together. The children are so unhappy.

I wish I could get over him. I really struggle to find sacred vows, a good marriage, watching me give birth to our children and a changed body as not meaning much. I don't want a strange penis. I knew every inch of his body so well, loved it and don't want another one.

They say, grief is love with nowhere to go.

Similar happened to me, with him 20 years. Ten years on and I still have my "moments". I think it's that we miss the good times, and we forget the bad, the isolation when they withdraw, the "atmosphere" when they are down. I think we must accept that sometimes there is no getting over our past loves, but we must try to make a new happiness for ourselves, however we can. It's so hard though, to all those of us experiencing this.

Thank you all so much for replying. I hadn't thought that I might be holding on to the argument so I can blame myself and not accept that it was just somehow destined to happen and you have given me some insight and made me feel better. I do just need to accept it. I keep thinking I'm getting there and then I find I'm just swinging back and forwards at the bottom of the hamster wheel again. Today was a low day.

So sorry to hear your story @ScreamingLadySutch. I do find that your working on it made no difference whatsoever comforting, and thank you for sharing. I know it is their loss really! If only it always felt that way, 24/7.

@nacher, he made out that not all hope was gone and kept me on a string saying he hadn't 'decided' but I didn't ever really believe that and did the pick me dance because there was so much to lose even when I wanted to say 'fuck off then'... I have just realised that that was about trust, and the act of his leaving meant that all our trust was destroyed and therefore no going back. To answer your question he's been through the SuperDry phase and is now rocking the hipster look apparently and living in central London pretending he is in his 20s. He cycles madly and is completely neurotic about calories. He has a new someone which one of the children told me about - not him. He claims its not serious whatever that means but I don't think I can believe what he says any more and anyway their relationship is irrelevant to me. Poor new woman. He was an amazing husband and father but I don't recognise him now and she has drawn the short straw.

@Cherrygirl3, thank you. You are right, and there are a lot of us in this boat. An unhappy marriage is just the loneliest place. Love to all of you who are going through it. x

@hononamesleft sounds like he's had/having the classic midlife crisis!
You will have good and bad days, eventually the bad days will be few and far between, but as another poster suggested, do check out Mind if your feel you could do with some help. They teach you ways to cope with the bad days, and I still use the strategies my lovely counsellor taught me whenever things are tough.

I will look into Mind. Thank you again all. It makes me feel better just talking about it and getting other peoples perspectives. x

Is he in his early 60s now then? And dressing in SuperDry?

That’s not a midlife crisis (he’s too old to call it midlife anyway), that’s just sad!