Our marriage isn't bad but it isn't good either

[Listeningtowind]

We've been married 3.5 years and together over 10. 2 young DCs.

I feel so unfulfilled in my marriage and don't know what to do. We keep having big arguments, every 2-3 weeks. Had a huge one last weekend and, as usual, agreed we'd do xyz to try and make things better but our relationship feels so 'bleurgh', humdrum.

Last weekend I said I'd like us to go to counseling but he said no, it's not his thing. He then became really down and worried that I wanted to leave him. I reassured him that I dont but a small part of me does.

I'm really struggling with the idea that this is the rest of my life. I day dream that he'll cheat and I'll have a good reason to leave.

We have 2 very young DC, which has disrupted my career. I'm a SAHM at the moment, which I enjoy and find hard in equal measure. I don't know how much other factors can make me question my marriage so much.

Anyone have any experience of feeling like this or any advice?

I become concerned when anybody refuses the opportunity for counselling because I'm under the belief that everybody should be looking to improve themselves and their life situations (especially when their partner is unhappy), otherwise you're just settling and getting stuck in a rut all the time. Your partner obviously is in denial at the moment and I think you should have a more serious chat with him about how important this is to you and how much you're trying to feel better about the marriage. Some people get scared of the mention of therapy because it seems like "this means we're failing our marriage" but in actual fact it's one of the few things that can SAVE a marriage. If he still won't agree to getting help, then I don't know how it's going to ever get better.

Yeah I think I'm inclined to agree with you. He definitely thinks it spells the end whereas I think we've had a lot going on for a few years, our lives have changed. Counselling makes sense.

Since I asked him to go and he said no I have been struggling with the idea that there isn't much else I can do/suggest as things get more and more unhappy. I get the impression he would much rather stay in an unhappy relationship and keep up appearances than be single and happy.

Since I asked him to go and he said no I have been struggling with the idea that there isn't much else I can do/suggest as things get more and more unhappy. I get the impression he would much rather stay in an unhappy relationship and keep up appearances than be single and happy.

You do know it isn't all up to him, don't you? You are entitled to do what you want and don't need his permission for everything.

Sometimes we need to put effort into making a marriage work, sometimes. That is to say it is a serious commitment and shouldn't be abandoned on a whim. However, a good marriage should be uplifting, fulfilling and effortlessly so. A good marriage should never have either of you even considering if you might be happier single. Thoughts like that are a pretty reliable indicator that it is not a good marriage. If he was willing to try and work with you to make it a good marriage I would say give it a go, but he isn't. You have a right to happiness, your children have a right to a happy mum and a happy home. Life is too short to settle for shit for the sake of keeping up appearances.

That's no way to live.

@Tootruetobegood thank you. Yes I do know it's not all down to him. What I meant was whereas I'm very open and will say this isn't working, let's go to counselling, he'd rather not. It makes a marriage untenable.

My parents marriage was very unhappy for as along as I can remember until their acrimonious divorce when I was a teenager. I met my DH when I was still quite young myself and he was just a few years older. I didn't have experience of positive relationships before I met him.

What you've said about a marriage being effortlessly uplifting and fulfilling is something I didn't experience as a child and don't have consistently now.

The book too bad to stay, too good too leave might be worth a read for you.

My friend is in the same position as you. She’s been saying for the past 10 years she wants him to go but won’t actually force the issue. I think he is waiting for him to kick her out but she is the one that is hung up on appearances, the effect it will have on the kids (not sure why as she does all the work and he is very passive and does nothing for them) she is also the main earner. She’s even thought of leaving him with the house

They do have the odd good moment but it’s massively overweighted by her feeling thoroughly miserable most of the time. Every time she gets drunk she gets upset at her life.

It’s such a bloody waste. All her best years being with some she doesn’t really want to be with. I don’t know what she is waiting for because one day she will look in the mirror see a 50 year old woman and say ‘ I’m too old to leave now’

I’ve watched her get more and more depressed and fed up with life in general. Every thing is a hassle now especially trying to arrange something - even for her benefit.

Don’t let this be you