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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I carry on with dating?

13 replies

Hellohellohi · 23/02/2020 19:00

I have mostly been single for 5 years. My last relationship was toxic but I am over that. I was totally single no interest for two years . For the next 3 years I’ve had flings and lots of first dates . I can’t seem to get many second dates . I just got rejected for a second date with someone I really thought had potential. I feel so unloveable . I’m 30 and I just feel so lonely . I went off dating apps for 6 months.

I keep finding men who don’t want to be in a relationship with me . I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong .

Should I just give up ? I feel like no one will ever want me , I’ve had so much rejection and that is after online dates and from people I’ve met in the flesh .

OP posts:

ThirtyAndASmidgen · 23/02/2020 21:40

I’m in exactly the same boat. Have had tons of dates but nobody ever wants a relationship with me. I don’t know what to advise but I wanted you to know you’re not alone

salinali · 25/02/2020 23:02

Hi there,
I am a firm believer in 'what's meant for you will find it's way'. Have fun with dating, date with no expectations and be yourself. The right one will stick around. Have faith and don't give up!

Mermaidwaves · 25/02/2020 23:07

I'm exactly the same! I can't seem to get past the first month! They all say the same, they're not ready for a relationship but I see them still active on the dating apps! It does make me question if there is something wrong with me or is it just bad luck.

Marshmello · 25/02/2020 23:14

Chemistry. You can't tell if you have chemistry until you meet them in the flesh. And if these guys aren't asking to see you again, it's because they don't feel the chemistry.

I'd go back a stage. Selection is the key. Be really choosy who you go on a date with. Super choosy.

Dieu · 25/02/2020 23:43

Don't be so hard on yourself. Remember that some of these men are not emotionally equipped for a relationship, with you or anyone. Some have been on the sites for so long that they have become addicted, and the buzz of meeting new people has replaced any real desire for anything long-lasting. For some, the messaging phase is their comfort zone, as opposed to actually being in a relationship (which is too much effort, clearly). And don't forget the whole sweet shop mentality, where they're waiting for the next best thing to come along. It's all so disposable.
So I'd bet that it's not lovely you that's the issue, but them! Good luck - there are some genuine ones out there, so don't give up.

Mermaidwaves · 26/02/2020 00:32

I agree that some guys like the chatting and finding new women. Im the opposite I hate having to do the same repetitive getting to know you conversations. Especially when they seem reluctant to meet. I've had guys act surprised when I suggest a meet and I always wonder what they think we are on there for. I don't want a flipping penpal!

FlowerArranger · 26/02/2020 07:34

Some have been on the sites for so long that they have become addicted, and the buzz of meeting new people has replaced any real desire for anything long-lasting. For some, the messaging phase is their comfort zone, as opposed to actually being in a relationship (which is too much effort, clearly).

I have zero personal experience with OLD, but extensive reading of the dating thread suggests that the above is very true. It seems that persevering, watching out for any signs of red flags and not taking any BS are essential.

Citygirl2019 · 26/02/2020 07:54

I'm been with my current DP almost 2 years, we met on old.

My experience on old is similar to most. I found lots of men just enjoy texting/messaging and don't actually want to meet up. Or when they did meet up, even if it felt ok (conversation flowed etc), they didn't seem to want second dates.

I changed how I approached old. I suggested meeting for a coffee fairly early on during messaging. This stopped me getting over invested in people before I met them, or believing there was a connection that wasn't there.

Just wanted to say you are not alone.

Chardony · 26/02/2020 21:14

I've had loads of rejection too. We obviously haven't met the right ones OP

Scott72 · 26/02/2020 21:46

If a woman doesn't want to go on a second date because she's not attracted, that's fine and good, but it its a man doesn't want a second date then he's "not emotionally equipped for a relationship"?

lexiepuppy · 26/02/2020 22:22

Have you read the book: Why men prefer bitches? It's a little bit dated, but it still has some valid points.

Also take a look at these relationship coaches on YouTube:
Matthew Hussey
Susan Winter
Derrick Jaxn
Alex Cormont

Work on loving yourself more and be the person you want to date....... is that too cliched? 😁

Dieu · 26/02/2020 23:10

Don't be silly @Scott72, no-one said anything of the actual sort. There's a lot of time wasters out there, of BOTH sexes I'm sure. And of course either side can say no to a second date, if a lack of attraction was there. But the fact remains that some men, who are incapable of being in a functioning relationship, are on the online dating scene.

Mermaidwaves · 27/02/2020 13:44

I agree with you Dieu there seems to be a lot of fellas longterm online dating who put 'looking for a relationship' on their profile but when you chat or meet with them they're clearly not. Some of the faces never change either so you wonder if they are on there permanently.

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