I have name changed as I'm very frightened of the responses I am going to get but I need help and I don't know what to do.
I am 33 and in my life I have had four relationships 3 of which were extremely violent and all involved emotional, physical abuse and sexual abuse. The hardest part was getting over the mental abuse however one of these relationships was the complete opposite. He was different from the start in that all my other partners had seemed like perfectly non violently men who would never hurt anyone. But this one had been in prison twice for gbh with intent people warned me of him saying having spent 12 years in prison by age 30 he must be violent.
However he was the sweetest most caring person I've ever met we understood one another as I have bipolar and he has schizophrenia.
When I was acting oddly (we met during my most troubled time in life) unlike the others he wouldn't tell me to hide away he would still show me off and his friends would come round (I had only one the mutual friend who lived with us) and they knew not to make any remarks or do anything to make me uncomfy if I was behaving oddly.
People who were allowed to visit were told not to touch my hands or skin as this greatly triggered me. they were told not to comment on the fact that I listen to the same song on repeat for hours on end or the fact that owing to voices it's painful to use earphones.
When I was depressed he would help me to the bath and wash me and brush my hair before helping me back in bed. He is very intelligent and was a amazing cook and because of his schizophrenia the house had to be a certain way so I wasn't allowed to cook and he did all the cleaning.
As I was suicidal most of the time either he or my friend would be with me every waking hour. I was not forced to do anything if I didn't feel like taking my meds instead of screaming and shouting until I obeyed he would find out why I didn't want to take them and gently talk me round to taking them of my own choice even though this sometimes took hours.
In all my other relationships I was brutally teased for being different locked in my room alone when depressed or acting oddly shouted at to take my meds and beaten if I didn't and raped regularly also beaten anytime I was non compliant or if I hadn't done the cleaning today.
Well everyone hated my wonderful boyfriend and all he did was shower me with love and my family and friends seeing a difference in me came around and met him and started to like him. Sadly however he got arrested on a 3rd count of GBH with intent and although I didn't wish to separate he decided for me that I was not to wait 8 years for him the minimum amount of time he must serve.
I write to him and visit him in prison but I cannot let go of the abnormal worshiping love I have for this man I know he has done some very very bad things and I do not excuse that but I just saw a different part to him showing how much love he could give to a woman who had never received any.
Now it has been four years and I take care of myself now very good I do evedything I need to do and for the most part I am happy. But I still love him and feel like every man I talk to I won't give a chance because of three things in my eyes they don't compare to him and I'm still in love, two I'm frightened they are like my other exes and three they haven't seen me at my worst I'm difficult and embarrassing and I think they will want to hide me and try to keep me locked up if I get bad and start acting oddly.
One beating of one of my exes put me in hospital for ages it wasn't the beating that did it though it was the fact he didn't like letting me sleep so would hit me every time I fell asleep (he was on drugs so didn't need sleep) after weeks of this I took a whole months worth of meds and he had no choice but to call a ambulance they called my mum because of the dire state in which I was in and police and my mum urged me to press charges but I refused.
I know the man I love has done terrible unforgivable things but I love him for giving me the gift of love, acceptance, understanding and respect.
Three months ago his prison was moved and it's now a 8hr drive away which I just cannot make even though my mother accompanied me on every visit as I would get tearful. He got upset that I wouldn't be able to see him again plus as he was moved for bad behavior he is unlikely to get out on early parole and said I wasn't moving on and he told me he was going to stop calling me and writing to me. I'm devastated I try to move on but I just can't I am too afraid and right now I feel very depressed at the thought of never seeing him again, or at least hearing his voice.