Long post - a lot of factors are making me feel quite emotional right now, I just need to vent. Me and my bf are both 30
About 2 years ago me and my boyfriend felt like it was coming up to the time to try for a baby. Not right then but it was on the cards. We had been together 3 years by now. I was in a job I wasnt happy with so the plan was to find a new job, settle then maybe start trying. Things didnt go to plan.
A few months after the talk, I developed an illness. It's hard to explain but it's called Topical Steroid Withdrawal, where I stopped my eczema medication (cream) and my skin had an extreme reaction. I had been using these creams for 28 years and my body was basically addicted. Anyways, my skin was bright red, swollen, peeling, I was extremely tired, irritable and my confidence hit rock bottom. I looked like a different person. This was November 2017 when it started. With how I felt and looked I knew thinking about a baby was off the cards. It was like my life was put on hold since with TSW there is no sure time in which you recovery you just ride it out.
I became quite withdrawn but stuck it out with my job until July 2018. My skin was a lot better but the trauma from the journey was tough. I started working an online job while I continued to look for my dream job.
October 2018 I found out my boyfriend cheated on me a couple months prior. By the time I found out the "affair" had finished, it only happened once but it left me devastated. I had just started getting my life back together, my skin got better and I felt better and now this. I decided to try work it out and we decided to go couples therapy - this comes later on in my story.
Months go by and we try to work through the cheating. In May 2019 I land my dream job. I thought back to the original plan: new job, settle in, then start trying. I didn't feel that way anymore. I was still trying to build back trust.
All around me people were getting pregnant and I obviously felt pangs of jealousy. I was happy for everyone but kept thinking this could have been me. All my closest friends have babies, I'm the only one left.
In August 2019 we start couples therapy (long waiting list!) and a lot of things came up. My insecurities, me not feeling beautiful because of my skin, my mum being cheated on, his dad being a serial cheat, his brother having 2 accidental babies with a random girl, second one being conceived while he was in a relationship with his current girlfriend... I just sort of lost hope in the joy of the future since I've seen so many people just cheating! I became very down and paranoid that maybe I just couldn't get over the infidelity. A very confusing time.
October 2019, my boyfriends brother let us know he is expecting baby number 3 with his girlfriend. It hit me so hard. When I was alone at home I cried. It's so stupid but I kept thinking "He has 3 kids, I have none. It was supposed to be me. I'm 30 and have nothing, my relationship is in pieces, people have joy and all ovd had is suffering with my skin, my self worth and now pulling out all these things from my life through therapy." It. Just. Hurt. So. Much
I became very bitter and started confiding in my closest friend, just that I felt jealous. It's never going to happen for me. I wanted to be married first and with the infidelity I dont even know if that's a sure thing now. In my pettiness I said things about my boyfriends brother like hes just making kids everywhere but still living at home so he will dividing his time between 2 families now. I dont know how his girlfriend isn't freaking out because it's a less than ideal situation and considering the second child is younger than the length theyve been together, its crazy. I was cheated on and I'm still dealing with that but here they are, expecting a baby... a baby that I wished I was having.... I really hit a low point here.
It's now February, the baby is due in 2 months and I feel like a monster. I dont want to go to the baby shower but if I dont it will be obvious I have an issue. Its girls only so my boyfriend wont be there.
To top it off, my boyfriend saw those messages I sent to my friend about his brother. Hes not mad but hes like dont hold my brother's past against him. He says my vibe is very off eith him so clearly my envy/judgement is coming through even when I'm trying to hide it. I explained to him its because I dont want to be in that position. I dont want to be living separately, with a baby, not married and for him to think it's fine cuz his brother did it. I dont want side baby either which of cause is an insecurity that stemmed from the cheating over a year ago. I told him I also think its baby envy too and it's been extremely hard on me.
But at the end of all this I feel like if I wait for the house and marriage I will never have a child anytime soon. I'm 30, I want to be young for my children. I want my kids to grow up with my friends kids. Am I crazy for wanting commitment and security before kids? But at the same time just wanting a baby because I was prepared and planned for it. If I choose to leave my boyfriend, what if I never find someone else. I feel stuck. My friend is also pregnant now too during in June and I cant get away from it in group chat or even meeting up, it's just constantly thrown in my face its driving me crazy.... but I know I'm in a mending relationship, it shouldnt even be on my mind.
TL;DR had a plan that got ruined, I wanted to get a job and try for a baby. Instead, I went through a year of hell with my skin which ruined my self esteem, I managed to land the job I wanted but was dealing with infidelity, couselling and other people getting pregnant round me. Its killing me thinking my time will never come.