Splitting up

[Piixxiiee]

So DH and I ended up having a deep conversation last night. Basically he said he'd been thinking for a while about us splitting. He said hes bored with life. He still loves me. Of course loves the kids but hes bored with life and thinks he needs to do his own thing. We dont do anything on our own as no family and no babysitters. We are very different. Then he was like maybe we can change our life but stay together. It took me by surprise but I can see his point I'm sad but not sure I'm devastated. Sad for what could have been. Sad for the kids. Dont know what I want. Anyone been here? No hatred involved, no other people. It's a bit like we've run our course. We would only stay together for the kids now I think.

I'm sorry to hear this, i think this could have been a rocket up the ass for both of you to fight tooth and nail for your marriage, change things and make more effort but you seem quite accepting of his reasoning which suggests you too feel the same, in which case maybe a 6 month trial separation before you finally call it a day would help?

Are you sure there is no one else. From past experience-there usually is.

Sorry to hear this. I think that whatever people's situation, the routine of everyday life is boring. When he says that he "needs to do his own thing", does he have something specific in mind or is this a generalised desire for something different from what the two of you have now?

I kind of understand the lack of space, babysitters as I was always a single parent but can't you each have a night of the week that belongs to you, and go out without the other? You sound as if you've got stuck in a rut with life and the real question is whether you want to stay together and therefore whether it's worth making changes.

Thanks for replies.
I'm sure no one else involved.

I can accept life is boring- not sure what he wants. Need to talk it all through but haven't been able to today & I hardly slept last night so too tired to go through it now. Honestly dont know where to start. I'm so upset at idea he wouldn't be here but I'm not sure I see a future for us once kids grown up..... just want to hide tomorrow in my bed.

@Piixxiiee how are you feeling today? What do you want to happen? Forget about what he wants and think about you and your future happiness.

Lobsterquadrille2 thanks for thinking of me. So he says this morning that he wants to try. He doesnt want to leave . We're going to talk over next few nights. I'm willing to change things and try but I want a time limit - we try and discuss again in 3 months or something because I dont want this dragging on. If hes going to go, go! Need to check hes not just staying because of the kids

Hi, @Piixxiiee - that sounds encouraging provided that's what you really want to do as well. You mentioned in your OP that you don't go out together. Maybe this is a good time to schedule how you can go about that, and get back some sense of being a couple who enjoy each others' company? You said (I think) that you are very different, so maybe think back to how you got together in the first place?

Is there any reason why you could also each have an evening off to do your own thing? Maybe just try to get some joy back into your lives, so you feel as if you're living rather than treading water.

Good luck!

What peeps said. Start injecting fun in your lives. Allow each other time for yourselves and then each take it in turn to think of something you'd like to do as a couple every week/2weeks. Reconnect and ever what brought you together in the first place.

When he says 'change things', what does he mean specifically. I would worry that he wants to live the single life but still stay at home. If he is to remain in the home, you really need to be working on your marriage and come to a mutually agreed outcome.
Not having time to yourselves will not have helped so I would definitely start trying to remedy that as a starting point.

My question for him is what he thinks he would/could do if you split up that he can’t do now? The kids wouldn’t stop being his responsibility and assuming he therefore had to spend part of his time wholly responsible for them it could restrict him more. Much better to therefore make a more interesting life together, even if that means eg each having an evening out each week separately doing something social or a new hobby and making sure you have one evening a week where you make sure you give each other your full attention.

Having said that, my dad left my mum after 40 years of marriage, saying that she restricted him from doing what he wanted (eg by insisting they ate together a few times a week so he had to stop what he was doing!) but it turned out he was having an affair. But hope that’s not true in your case.

What does he suggest? Being parents to small children often is quite boring. Work and childcare. Ask him for ideas, or suggest that if you split he will have the children so you can go your own fun thing. He doesn't just get to bugger off and be young free and single again!

How long have you been together? I can't help but think this is "grass is greener" but they often say "tend your own grass first".

Family life can be boring but will his life be better if he is looking after the DC solo, cooking, cleaning, less money as now 2 households?

Where there is no abuse then a marriage needs to be worked on as he could regret it. I can't imagine blowing up family life because of a bit of boredom..to make the DC go through all the hurt for a few years.

Techway I think its definitely a bit if grass is greener. We've been together nearly 16 years, we travelled round the world together, lived in another country for 5 years so lots of adventure. Now we work and look after the DC.
Good advice from everyone. I think a night each a week to do things is a good idea. Also we've never used a baby sitter but I'm thinking it's time to ask a friend and go out for the night. Definitely a ticket up the arse to do something rather than just exist.