What do I do?

[Londongirl07]

Sorry this is going to be a long one.

I have been in a relationship for nearly 3 years with my partner. Both previously married and both have kids from previous relationship and none together.

My partner is living at his mums since his divorce 5 years ago and stays with me on the weekend at mine. Unfortunately he cannot move in because there is no space in my home for all of us when he has his kids there would be 6 of us in a 2 bed house.

I am getting very frustrated with this situation now where I want to move forward in life. I feel he just has no ambition and having it easy. He pays hardly any bills yet I’m a home owner, pay my mortgage, bills, food etc and work full time.

Last year his father passed away due to unfortunate circumstances however I feel like our lives are now put on hold because of this. He can’t tell me what he wants for the future. I’m not asking for dates I just want to know what we are aiming for and he can’t say. But he has plans to do renovations to my his mums home etc but no plans to actually think we buy a home or our own?

He’s self employed but I just feel he has no motivation, I give him a lot of his jobs because of the industry I work in however he does not support me in anyway. I’m not asking he pays my bills or food etc but would be nice he put his hand in his pocket once in a while and offered to help me.

He tells me marriage is just a piece of paper and he knows this is something I want. I told him if he feels he’s going to waste my time then let me know and we go our own ways but he’s still here. So that’s giving me some hope we have some sort of future? Am I being naive? Am I just here to fill the gaps whilst he doesn’t have his kids?

I love him I really do but I can’t help feel I’m just wasting my time now.

Am I selfish to want more?

Am I just here to fill the gaps whilst he doesn’t have his kids?

Unfortunately I think you've hit the nail on the head.

If you want a serious relationship with a future I think you've got to throw him back and bait your hook for someone more focused.

He doesnt sound committed and seems to be keeping you hanging.

What would you tell a friend who told you the same story?

@babooshkar I think I would tell my friend to move on...but it’s easier said than done.

I do love him and I know he loves me too but I just feel this is not going to go anywhere and I don’t know why. When I try to talk to him about our future he’s like go with the flow...or I can’t tell you cos I don’t know. I get that but tell me what you want us to do.

He’s 10 years older than me. I’m early 30’s. We were both in long term marriages before we met. I have spoken to others and they have said it seems he has commitment issues.

I can’t talk to anyone else as I don’t want them to think I’m stupid. I just don’t know what to do.

I don’t want my kids to suffer either...they have known him for a long time and I do not want them being around different men all their lives. Not that I would do that but I hope you understand what I mean by that.

I feel everyone’s lives are moving on but mine.

I wish I could talk to him about this but at times I just can’t talk to him. He’s very good at turning the situation on me and making it seem I’m in the wrong or being unreasonable. We don’t argue about big things it is little things but for example if I snore at night the next day he’s going to be angry with me give me silent treatment for a few hours cos I messed up his sleep...baring in mind we probably spend 2 nights a week together.

If I end things I feel like I will be lost, lonely and a bad person because of him losing his dad the way he did 7 months ago...

I’m really at a cross roads here. I think what triggered this off was an argument we had the other day because I disturbed his sleep he verbally abused me and something inside me snapped. I just don’t really want to be around him.

If I tell him I don’t like something he then argues with me and says it’s always about “your” feelings and I tell him you can’t invalidate someone’s feelings even if you don’t like it.

I’m so confused and I’m sorry for the long post i just have NO ONE to talk to!

"because I disturbed his sleep he verbally abused me and something inside me snapped. I just don’t really want to be around him."

Fuck. That.

This is actually more concerning than the lack of commitment.

Bin him off. His dad died - that's very sad, but is of no relevance to you. He's got mummy there to pander to his moods (and fail to encourage him to focus on his future.)

Don't you deserve better than this lazy, selfish arse?

First off, you absolutely are not being selfish for wanting more. This man is taking so much more from you than he's willing to give so you're quite naturally questioning the imbalance in the relationship.

I just don’t really want to be around him. - hard as it is, I'm afraid you've really answered your own question haven't you. Please cut the ties, to make room in your life for someone who's more deserving of you.

We were both in long term marriages before we met.

Please don’t tell me you left your Ex-H for this piece of work!

I was in a long term relationship with someone like this OP: no focus, passive aggressive, tendency to blame you for any passing mood whilst expecting you to pander to there’s...

They don’t change. In fact, they become worse, because so long as people are pandering to them they have no reason to change. And if you don’t... well, as those people you spoke to suggested you get “commitment issues”. They find someone else who acts newly smitten instead of someone who’ll no longer put up with their crap.

Don’t be me OP. Get out before you emotionally invest any deeper. Thank your lucky stars you never bought that shared house. Because if he can’t even focus on your future and lives his life going with the flow, what makes you think he’s commitmented to you in any way? That he won’t happily shrug you off the moment his head gets turned?

This is so hard. I feel like I’ve emotionally invested so much in to this relationship to throw it all away. I’m holding on to hope but it’s getting harder.

We just had an argument at 5am because he couldn’t sleep. It’s either me snoring, my neighbours are too loud, foxes in the road but this one today my 6 yo woke up having a nightmare!! He’s just left to go back to his mums to sleep. Having a go at me saying about it’s not fair on him, I need to think of his health etc. He said it’s best we don’t stay with each other and what not. I told him go and I don’t care but god forbid one day your child wakes up with a nightmare.

This isn’t good for my health. I’m really stuck between a rock and hard place. I love him but this can’t continue.

@Londongirl07 i think you and i are in a similar place, my thread is the one "I finally snapped & now he's the victim".
My one lives at home and seems to not be thinking about moving OUR lives forward, except paying lip service.
The difference is in my case... there are no kids and ive only been in it 18 months.

I feel the same as you... i love him so these are heart breaking thought. But, i think i love the fantasy future that doesnt exist, not the potential cocklodging reality.

Hand hold!

I'm sorry but he isn't a partner he's a boyfriend and a fairly rubbish one at that. He doesn't see that it would be nice to help out with bills because he doesn't live with you and I can see his point (but flowers would be nice). He's made it quite clear that he has no plans for his long-term future (with or without you) so your choices are to either carry on as you are (with a bf who sounds selfish and a tad obnoxious) or call it a day and tell the children you deserve better - none of this is setting them a good example really. Be brave, good luck.

Get rid of him..., really obvious he’s not suitable fir a future together.

Your not stuck between a rock and a hard place.
He’s a man child.
Tell him to go back to mummy and stay there. At least she will pander to him.
Then put you and your kids first and live you best life.

As to not wanting the time you have already spent together, google ‘sunk costs fallacy’ and you will see that this is no basis for wasting further time on something that’s no longer working for you. And it clearly isn’t good enough for an adult relationship.

Also, his attitude to you seems quite poor: it’s a bit worrying that he’s very ready to complain about you and give you the silent treatment but won’t allow you to share your concerns. He sounds potentially abusive to me.

Moving in with him would be a massive mistake. He sounds unbelievably selfish
So if you want to move your life on you need to move him out of it
Love is not enough, it just isn’t. Especially if it’s one sided.
Sorry OP I know this must hurt

This is going nowhere op. He's been abusive, and has so little human decency and comprehension that a poor little boy having a nightmare pisses him off.

Google sunk cost fallacy - just because you've "invested a lot of emotion into him doesn't mean you have to stay!

He tells me marriage is just a piece of paper and he knows this is something I want.

Thank god for that. OP, you need to REALLY get clued up about marriage. Forget the committment aspect and all the lurve shit and wise up about the legalities.

You have DC, and marriage would automatically take from them their inheritance - your house and your assets - and give half of it to this man. On your death your house and assets could pass entirely to him and then to HIS DC not yours unless you take very, very active and careful steps to prevent this. With proper legal advice.

How close have you come to blowing it all for your DC? You have chosen a complete waste of space for a partner and you would have fucked your children over for him. Thank god he is too lazy and passive to have married you. Thank god.

if I snore at night the next day he’s going to be angry with me give me silent treatment for a few hours cos I messed up his sleep

This clarifies everything for me. I think it's time to move on.

As a PP said, he’s a man-child. They don’t change - they stay lazy, self-centred, entitled men who get outraged if anyone suggests the world doesn’t revolve around them.

You can do so much better, OP. Consider the time you’ve invested in him, a learning lesson not a waste.

This set up suits him fine but clearly doesn't suit you. I don't think he wants to give you what you want/need. If that's not good enough, you should walk.