Is there any way back?

[Sparky321]

After a period of feeling like my husband of 17 years had checked out we finally sat down and had a cards on the table type talk. We both realised that we love each other deeply, are best friends and a great family unit but we are not 'in love' with each other.
Neither of us want to split up and would love to get back to having a spark and falling back into love.
Is this possible and how can it be done?

If there is no other woman, and no ick, yes.
The 'in love' bit is a great big con, and rarely lasts.

What’s life like at the moment OP? How do you interact with each other and how do you organise your lives together?

We get on well, we both have different hobbies but do things together. Although sometimes it feels like we are flatmates sharing the kids and responsibilities.

No other woman

Arrange a date night or weekend away.

That's just how life is OP. Could you try making some time for being a couple? Be Sparky and Mr Sparky instead of Mum and Dad?

Sorry if that sounded a bit blunt, not intended. It sounds like you have a good relationship but need to get a bit of, you know, romance back into it.

It all boils down to the ick in my opinion

Do you still have sex ? If you do and it's good and you fancy him then you are not living like flatmates

If it's just a case of making more time to be alone, dates etc and having sex that's easy

But if you don't fancy each other and don't want to have sex because it makes you shudder etc then there is no getting the spark back, it's gone past that and no amount of marital counselling and baby sitters turns friends back into lovers imo

Life can be so busy, whenever me&Dh feel like we are dfifting or feeling a little distant we have a weekend away. Do a few fun activities, boozy lunch & lots of good uninhibited sex. It works wonders for us.

I think you need to have some you time like @Justaordinarybloke suggested, you need to reconnect.

It sounds like you have a nice life together!

I’m in no way an expert, but in an ideal world, if money, time and childcare were no object, if it were me I would want a holiday first by myself and then an adventure somewhere together.

I think one of the big things that gets lost in LTRs and family life is a sense of yourself as an individual. I would want to lose some of that workaday familiarity and reclaim a sense of separateness - being two different people with your own worlds that you share.

After that I would want to get away somewhere as a pair, without the usual routine and distractions of kids, etc. and discover something new together. Meet new people, see new things, and have an adventure.

For me, I fancy my partner more when I feel a bit more like myself rather than just ‘the other half’ (after going to visit friends, doing stuff I haven’t done for ages like go to a gig, etc. if that makes sense!), when we haven’t seen each other for a while and he feels ‘fresh’ and when we’re socialising and meeting new people and I get to experience him outside of our ‘bubble’.

I think it’s great that you’ve spoken openly with each other and are both motivated to get back what you had.

Theresgoingtoberain.
I think that's exactly it we are lost in the familiarity and family life I certainly have lost my sense of me and I know he feels the same. It's difficult trying to carve out a sense of ourselves without feeling like we are shifting away from the other.
I do know that for the 1st time in ages I feel closer to him, even though we've both said we aren't in love with each other which is completely weird!
I'm really hoping that we can find a way back to each other.

How old are your dc ? We got a bit like this but seem to have come out the other side now they are teenagers and can be left and don’t really want to come with us anymore.

There's a book called mating in captivity which you might find very helpful.
www.amazon.co.uk/Mating-Captivity-passion-long-term-relationships/dp/0340943750/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8