Domestic abuse perpetrator programme- any experience please?

[worriedfordds]

Hi, does anyone have any experience of the domestic abuse perpetrator programme? My exH was and still is abusive towards me and has now ramped things up from emotional to physical with the dc. Obviously no contact is currently taking place. I was wondering about the above programme as Dd1 has said some things that made me think of it as I'd heard of it before. Is it any good? Does it work? Can their relationship improve or will he always be a risk to them? They love their dad and want to feel safe with him but don't. And aren't. I'll bring it up with my dv worker next time I see her but would value any information I can get.

I’m sorry to hear that worried unfortunately the police don’t always get it right... there are good ones in the force though so sometimes worth escalating/complaining - getting your IDVA to look into this.

I’m glad to hear you have a DV worker to be your advocate and that your DD is on the list for counselling. Some local authorities run Healthy Relationship groups for YP as well that could be a safe space To explore feelings for her...
Best wishes x

Yes, that's exactly it. I'm so glad I posted here to get opinions and experience. I'm conscious of the need to jump through hoops with the court and be seen to be looking for ways to facilitate contact so that I'm not seen as the problem. ExH always denies everything and says I'm just the bitter ex trying to alienate the children from him. My thinking now is that safe contact is not possible. I don't see indirect working either as he hasn't responded in the past to any letters or emails the dc have sent him.

pinkstinks they are waiting for a place with that service and that's who the counselling is through.he will be furious to know they are using a domestic violence service, thinking it totally unnecessary and a waste of resources. In fact that anger is further reason to prevent contact as he might escalate.

Do you have a private sector solicitor OP?
If not, could you afford one?

Good advocacy could be the difference between allowing children of your children's ages to choose whether or not to see their father.

I agree about the justice system. On paper, everything you list is a crime. In practice, it's not. Because if the victim is bullied, humiliated then turned away and the perpetrator is coddled and let off - it's not a crime. It's perfectly legal. That makes me furious, but it's the reality for us - a reality which history will judge harshly.

I have a solicitor who's pretty good but previously the judge hasn't let him speak much. Cafcass have been useless in the past too. Maybe now they'll listen because this was my fear all along-that he'd abuse the dc-and now he has. They didn't listen and the dc have suffered for their lack of action.

My exH did one years ago after being convicted of assault against me. He came back thinking he wasn't as bad as the other men on the course (because he had only picked me up and thrown me as opposed to strangle me like some of the men there 🙄). He continued to justify his own behaviour and didn't change one bit, in fact he got worse and I eventually discovered he was abusing DC also. This was all before coercive control was a crime though so things may have improved now?

I'm going through the court process now too and I'm shocked they are even entertaining his application. There is no consideration for the impact these cases have on the victim. I have PTSD from abuse he put me through and have found the whole process extremely traumatic.

Abusive men are unable to change as many of them have personality disorders. I strongly believe my ex has antisocial personality disorder or at the very least he is highly narcissistic. They are unable to feel empathy or have any insight into their own behaviours so are unable/unwilling to change.

I hope the courts take your DC's wishes into consideration. I've been told by CAFCAS that even if visitation is granted, they cannot force DC to partake in it which is some reassurance.

Most of the time, these dickheads are not even interested in the DC, they just enjoy the litigation process to continue to control you. I would read up on narcissism and look on youtube for videos about how to beat narcs in court to give you a better idea what you are up against.

Good luck OP

I have no advice about perpetrator programs but I grew up with a violent father and it has taken me almost 4 decades to realise that who he is is who he is.
No amount of me wishing he wasn't physically abusive towards me as a child/teen will ever change him.
One day he did just stop after a particularly violent episode were I verbally fought back.(something inside me snapped years of abuse just tumbled out and I then feared my own reaction like it was somehow wrong). But the fear of would he be abusive again always hung over me. He never cared about how much he hurt or traumatised me.
These men don't care about their victims as they don't even see their target as a victim. Your DD has seen the real man her dad is and that's it he won't change for anyone not even for his terrified children.
I'm NC with both parents now. My mother stayed with him.
Your DD is so lucky to have your support and know that you will advocate for her right not to be abused.
Your DD in time will have to accept no course or reasoning will soothe a violent man who denys he is violent. Only he would have to be at breaking point to see how his behaviour affects his dds to get help. And even then the past cannot be erased.

I think she realises now that contact is not possible, that she won't change him and this is who he is and is therefore a risk.