Can I do this without harming the children?

[DaffodilsAndDandelions]

I have posted before on the subject of my ‘D’P and have finally plucked up the courage to go and look at a house for myself, our 14mo and our dog. Unfortunately I bottled out of filing in the application form after viewing. I have another viewing lined up for Monday afternoon. The cottage looks lovely, although small, and is really all I can afford. What concerns me most is how will my baby cope? I don’t mean now as I’m definitely his primary carer and he’ll never remember how we live now. I mean how will he cope in the future? I see my DSS (6yo) really struggling with his parents living separately and spending 3 or 4 consecutive nights with each parent, sometimes longer in the holidays. He also really struggles with Christmas, birthdays, holidays away etc. I really don’t want these struggles for my son but I know that our current family life is not good either (I grew up with a mum and stepfather who argued all the time and now 25years later still live together but don’t talk (his and hers fridges and everything!!)).
Any advice and encouragement is welcome but please try and be kind to me

You have totally got this DandDs

You are brave and sensible and doing THE RIGHT THING.

Please just worry about the now. In two years time you could be in a new and stable relationship that is absolutely the best thing for you and your child. Or not. Happily single and just making things work.

Worse case scenario is you stay with him for the sake of your child. That would never work. I can't remember the percentage but it's very high of children with separate parents.

Good luck. Go get that cottage.

@SummerHouse Thankyou for your kind words and support.
I need to work out how to tell DSS and his mother. And also my StbEx. Got no idea how to start tho!

I know many children and adults with divorced parents who are absolutely fine.

I know many of children and adults with badly married parents who are messed up.

You are having a wobble. It will be fine. You are doing the right thing. Your baby has you.

I think the key is to try and keep the emotions out of the future dealings iykwim.
No matter how dp behaves, just stick to your guns, stick to the facts and take care of yourself and your child. If your dp cocks up his time with your child, that’s down to him. One stable parent is far far better than 2 at each other’s throats or knee deep in emotional turmoil. It helps to email everything. Not only is it clear but you also have a record etc. If dp decides to be difficult, you have a build up of evidence to support your case.

If your dp is abusive, ignore. Do not respond at all. I know it’s hard but I assure you, horrible people who love confrontation can’t stand it when the other person refuses to argue back or respond.

Your child will be fine, simply because you’re already caring about your child and how their future will be because of this new situation. Your focus isn’t on how to win against your dp.

@TorkTorkBam and @Ozziewozzie Thankyou both. I know my baby will be fine and it’s not an uncommon thing to have separated parents now. I’ve struggled this week seeing my DSS so confused and upset. He doesn’t know how to think or feel. He gets upset worrying about upsetting which ever parent he isn’t with if he says he had a good time with the other one. Obviously this isn’t the case, we like to hear he’s done something fun with his mum. I’m terrified of my boy being just as unsettled as he grows older. DSS frequently says he wants all of us to live together (his mum, dad and me) says no one would miss anyone then. It hurts to see a little lad so upset with grown up problems.
I go up and down whether to follow thru with my plans. I know this sounds like confused rambling, that’s exactly how my head feels. Confused and upset.

It’s down to good parenting. My parents divorced (albeit when I was primary school age) and it was fine. My mum was a great mum and they never involved me in their dramas (though she was honest with me, but in a very empathetic way, as my dad was an ass so there was no way to sugar coat it). I felt nothing but relief and excitement for the future the day she said we were moving out. The only damaging bit was all the years before feeling like we were walking around on broken glass. Your lo will be fine as long as you make it fine and normal. I had a great childhood and grew up with solid boundaries and a sense of what a healthy relationship should look like. There really were no negatives.

@mindutopia
Thankyou so much for sharing your experience. I so desperately want to make sure my son has a happy childhood and home life that I sadly missed out on.
It really gives me confidence to go ahead with my plans. I know it will be hard in the short term.

How do I tell my partner? How do I tell a 6yo who is already upset that his parents split up when he was 18months old and now his dad and DanaD are also splitting up. Will he think it’s his fault?

Deal with your husband first. Your dss has a mother. He will be ok

My children were fine. Bit bumpy to begin with but then they were older than yours and understood.

My youngest was 6 when her dad and I separated - she doesn't even remember a time when he lived with us. That might sound sad but my eldest does remember and that's so much sadder.

I really think you have to stop,thinking about the six year old. He's got his own mother and father to worry about him. And his experiences won't be exactly the same as those of your baby.

And I wouldn't think too much about the future at the moment either. You need to get yourself through this part first before putting a plan into place about how to facilitate your child's relationship with his father.

When you move, you can read research on successful divorced parents. You can talk to people whose parents divorced when they were children and take on board their experiences.

Instinctively, I'd say always being positive about his father would be the best way.
We went to MacDonalds on Saturday and Sunday. How lovely, you love chips.
We played Xbox till midnight. You must be getting better and better at that with all that practice.

But that is for the future.

Argh, it’s almost like he knows something is planned for tomorrow! He just announced he’d like to take DS to his swimming lesson tomorrow morning which he has never ever done before despite me suggesting it on many occasions. This is because the weather is supposed to be awful and he works outside so will have the day off. I had deliberately booked house viewing for tomorrow afternoon so I had a sleeping toddler. He will now want a reason why I want to be put in the afternoon instead of at home with him. What do I say? And how do I proceed after viewing the cottage. I have no idea how to break the relationship while still trying to be amicable for the boy. And advice? Thanks 🙂

Depends. What is he like? Violent? Angry? Annoying? Lazy?

I would be deliberately busy all day then just put on my coat and go. Call back over your shoulder "Popping out for a bit. See you later."

Ideally, take the whole day out seeing as he is home.

Amicable for the children is not a reasonable aim. It is not within your control.

If anything a clear break is better for children. Less confusing. All you have to do is be polite at handover and not bad mouth him at home. That is amicable.

Now, I suspect by amicable you mean him not kicking off in front of the children, still maintaining some contact, etc. If so, then forget it. If he's the type of man who will do those things then he will do it. You can't manage him away from it. You cannot appease him into playing nice during divorce. Will. Not. Happen. Do not make major decisions based around appeasement and wishful thinking.

I havent read your previous posts but Everything we do affects our children.
Leaving will have an impact but so will staying. In lots of cases the impact of having seperated parents is preferable to growning up full time in a home where there is lots of tension.

My partners parents stayed together for the children, whilst a break up would have been hard on them, what happened instead was they grew up feeling lots of pressure to be the glue in the home, feeling their parents relationship was normal and what happened to them in the home was normal. The level of passive agression, destain etc has cause a significant impact.

Can you not say you'd already arranged a play date or meet up with a friend?

Forgot to add, someone I know split from her husband when their daughter was 2. She's now a teenager and her mother regularly has her ex step children over to visit, sometimes with their mother. Could you do that if you want to make things easier on the 6 year old?

I won’t be starting the conversation until after DS has gone to bed. We don’t have DSS back until Wednesday so he won’t be here to overhear anything he shouldn’t.
Partner is quite passive aggressive and is very good at saying things he knows will hurt or can be taken the ‘wrong’ way by me. He is quick to accuse me of nagging/bossing/telling because he won’t do anything round the house or with the boys until I point it out. I have a really bad back and he will watch me struggle to get up or lift heavy things like the pushchair and DS.
I wouldn’t say he’s violent but has previously grabbed at my arm when I’ve tried to walk away from and argument. We fall out and argue a LOT and about every thing and anything. Him and his ex seem to mange to be amicable enough at drop off times. She has been to our house for their sons birthday parties etc. All I want is a similar level of civility and sensibility around sorting out all our stuff.

I'd get all your ducks in a row before you tell him so you can just walk out of the door. Can you leave your little one with someone when you actually tell him in case it gets emotional? Walking out with dignity is not easy either if you suddenly have a nappy to deal with! Or tell him in a neutral place? Plan it all carefully and be strong x

@GummyGoddess
Unfortunately all my friends work full time and don’t have children of similar age ☹️
I will need to talk to DSS’s mother and see how she wants to proceed. Either me and DS going to see her or then coming to see me. The boys won’t see each other with their father as he has never managed to have them both on his own for bedtimes or dinners or anything tricky just playing for a few hours in the afternoon.

One of them could have a day off work, he wouldn't know? Or you've finally got a gp appointment for some sort of post partum issue?

Do you need to see it again or could you sign the paperwork digitally and email it back?

I wouldn’t say it’s ideal but my DSD manages it pretty well with separated parents. She never knew them together as they split up when she was about a year so her life is normal for her and several of her friends are in the same position. I’ve been in her life for 7 years (she’s know 12) and I would say that over time it’s got easier for her to adjust to each household and the main thing is that her parents are working together and are positive about each other