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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Grey areas in love and life

25 replies

LittleMissWeary · 22/02/2020 18:25

I'm married with dc. Dh is a good man and I love him. Married 10 years.

But, I have feelings for someone else and I think he may feel the same about me. I work with him. Nothing has ever been said, and neither of us would ever, ever act on it. He's also happily married with dc. Very much a family man. Known him 10+ years. We act very professionally around each other - inside and outside work.

More and more he's entering my thoughts on a weekend and I find myself looking forward to seeing him.

It's just little things: eye contact for slightly too long, slight facing to me if standing in a group, occasionally if brief touching of fingers when handing over tea mugs, then the touch will remain for a few seconds longer than needed.

It's all very innocent and written down it sounds pathetic but has anyone else ever experienced this type of "thing" with someone else? I feel like there is an unspoken connection between us that'll never be acknowledged.

I think love and loving people has very grey areas and this is one...

Anyone else ever experienced this? Obviously what I think I have with him may all be in my head, but I don't think it is...

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 22/02/2020 18:48

It’s all very innocent...

In my opinion, it is not so innocent. You are making a fool of your husband. How would you feel if he had lingering gazes and finger touches with another woman? Would you mind if he witnessed you and OM doing that? If you respect him, you will shut this down.

Original poster
LittleMissWeary · 22/02/2020 19:36

I get what you're saying. The mug thing is v much a once in a blue moon thing. Don't normally have to make each other drinks.

It's not lingering gazes. It's more holding eye contact for ever so slightly too long. I'm trying not to, really I am.

I wouldn't like my dh to be doing this with another woman. But, I appreciate that he must care for other people / women potentially but never act on it iyswim.... I don't think people's hearts are black and white.

OP posts:
squishedgrapes · 22/02/2020 19:41

But you can decide not to do this. You can break eye contact. You can move your hand away. Nothing is outside of your control. You might be attracted to him but you can stop acting on it Hmm

amillionwishes · 22/02/2020 20:03

Google limerence, OP.

You can get past it if you want to Thanks but it will be hard.

Concentrate on how much you love your DH.

Orangelocket · 22/02/2020 20:06

It seems to me like your asking for our permission and encouragement to pursue these feelings with the OM?

If you really do love your husband knock the eye gazing and daydreaming on the head and focus on your marriage.

category12 · 22/02/2020 20:09

I think you should make efforts to avoid spending time with this man and making excuses to touch hands - I mean, who does that? There's no need to touch over teacups.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/02/2020 20:09

I get it all the time: it was what made me realise monogamy isn’t for me.

People fancying each other is human nature. But if you want to remain in your marriage then you need to either curb the behaviour or look for a new job, because this is how affairs start.

Original poster
LittleMissWeary · 22/02/2020 20:17

I've wondered if it's limerence. I've felt like this fleetingly for him over the years off and on but it seems to have exploded the last six months. Out of nowhere.

I don't think it's a case of asking permission as I know nothing will ever happen. I won't let it and neither will he (if it's not actually one sided).

It's more the fact that I need to acknowledge how I feel about someone else so I can hopefully move past it. I do care deeply for him and I wish I didn't Sad

OP posts:
Lalala205 · 22/02/2020 20:27

Yes, I had a 'thing' for ex work partner. I'm pretty sure by the end I was frankly 'gawping' at him. However, he then came to a natural close in his own marriage and I ended up an involuntary sounding board. I'll be honest I ended up sticking up for his partner (unknown to me) possibly more than rating his 'issues'. As tbh she seemed to get to hold the shitty end of the stick more often than him in regards to homelife/childcare/work balance than he was frankly moaning about. I also now compare it to my DP (relationship started since this). Who also seems to spend a lot of time banging on about 'woe is me', whilst frankly doing very fucking little 🤔 So I tend to keep my feelings/opinions to myself these days, and think the grass is unlikely to be fucking greener! Just my opion!

thickwoollytights · 22/02/2020 20:29

I wouldn't like my dh to be doing this with another woman.

Then you are a hypocrite

Cloudyyy · 22/02/2020 20:32

Oh get a grip!

You are only writing on here because you have mentionitis and want to talk about this “thing” and give it oxygen.

You are married - respect that.

longtimecomin · 22/02/2020 20:36

You have chemistry with him, it's as simple as that. I had that with someone I worked with and I had to leave because people started to notice. I would say hello to most colleagues but was always very wrapped up in typing when he walked in. He stared at me a lot. I avoided him. Everyone thought we were having an affair, the girls in the office turned on me and were bitchy. I left, I hear he asks others in the industry how I'm getting on. I wouldn't do anything but the attraction took over my life for a few months.

Confused866 · 22/02/2020 20:43

People on here tend to be very black and white about stuff like this but yes there are many grey areas, you’re a human being. Just because you said marriage vows doesn’t mean you’ll never meet anyone else you feel a connection with and it’s easy to say ‘shut it down’ but when you work with them and see them a lot it’s hard. You’re normal OP and this kind of thing happens day in day out. If you’re happy in your marriage though then just keep the line where it should be. Hopefully it’ll pass!

Lalala205 · 22/02/2020 20:43

The thing that most people fail to mention, is it is hard to be with the same person day in/day out for many years, and not get bored/fucked off with it! Nobody ever states 'yes, I want to meet the partner of my dreams and wash their skid marked underwear for the rest of my life!'. But at the same time not many people get to say 'yes, I want to meet the partner of my dreams and have a crew of staff to cater for our every whim!'. The reality is you need to be with someone who is willing to take on their own share of the relationship however that pans out. Nobody goes into a relationship thinking' I want to be responsible for everything', but equally nobody should be in a relationship whose no able to say, 'umm! Come on wheres your equal share?'.

category12 · 22/02/2020 20:47

It is very black and white when it comes to actions. Either you indulge in teacup touching and googly eyes, or you make a conscious effort to create distance and not indulge that stuff.

Lalala205 · 22/02/2020 20:58

And tbh you may well get a bashing from the 'nope, you married at 21 so until you die at 91 you're never able to cast eyes on anyone else' brigade. But the reality is we're all human, and it possible while you're very unlikely to act on anything with the person of your affection... Maybe your relationship isn't offering you what you need anymore? Maybe that's something you can work on with your DP? Maybe it's time to look at if you want to stay? Nobody can honestly state you must stay in a marriage that's not working for you. But you need to look at the reasons why it's not ticking the boxes.

Original poster
LittleMissWeary · 22/02/2020 22:28

Thanks everyone, I appreciate everyone's feedback.

Cloudyyy you hit the nail on the head. I have mentionitis at home - more so than usual - and mentionitis with friends where he's concerned.

I need to get a grip. I need to work on areas of my marriage that are lacking.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2020 09:57

But, I appreciate that he must care for other people / women potentially but never act on it iyswim.... I don't think people's hearts are black and white.

Why would you assume he must romantically "care for" other women? I think there are grey areas in the sense that you might have chemistry with/be attracted to other men, but you've described having strong feelings for him and I don't think that can be just brushed away as a "grey area". If I were your husband and I knew I'd be wanting out of the marriage at this point. The level of investment and affection you are describing is simply not acceptable when you are married.

Original poster
LittleMissWeary · 23/02/2020 11:24

Is the level of investment high though? I'm keeping the right side of the line. I'm not acting on it.

I'm no pure angel - if I was there would be zero "slightly too long" eye contact etc. In a lot of ways the eye contact, him looking at me more than other co-workers in a group is with him rather than me. Sometimes I think it's in my head but my gut feeling is that its not.

I don't want out of my marriage. I don't want my dh hurt. That's why I'm keeping my distance as much as possible.

I guess that's why I posted, to check this happens to others. There's no emotional affair, there's zero texting or chatting about personal things generally etc.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/02/2020 11:30

But you're not keeping your distance as much as possible if you're doing googly eyes and lingering touches over teacups Hmm. Stop indulging that crap.

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2020 11:42

I do care deeply for him and I wish I didn't

This is too high a level of investment, yes.

QuentinWinters · 23/02/2020 11:43

This happened to me 10 years ago. I didn't acknowledge it at the time and neither did he. I moved roles to distance myself from it. You can't control feelings and I know how hard it is. People telling you to get a grip etc are acting like you are some kind of robot.
In the end with me my feelings for the other man should have told me that the issues in my marriage were more serious than I was acknowledging. We split up a few years ago.
And I am now with my work colleague. It's totally different to my marriage and a connection I could never have believed, but it's not a happy ending due to all the damage getting divorced causes.
I don't think I could have done anything different apart from paying more attention to the issues that were in my marriage from the very start

thickwoollytights · 23/02/2020 14:55

I need to get a grip. I need to work on areas of my marriage that are lacking.

You do

You have a crush. We've all had them. But it's not normal to have them within a happy and fulfilling relationship

Lovestoned · 23/02/2020 19:09

@ComtesseDeSpair summarised it, this is how affairs start. You need to decide now what you will do if it progresses, if he goes one step further, because in the moment the chemistry takes over and it becomes very difficult to say no. Almost all the time, affairs are not worth it. Get rid of the kids somehow and go away with your husband for as long as you can, travel someplace romantic, think saunas, massages, sunshine, great views or little hidden streets, you need to fall in love again and you probably won't do it sitting in your trackies in front of the telly.

Original poster
LittleMissWeary · 23/02/2020 22:24

Thanks everyone - I appreciate all the responses. The ones sympathising and the ones telling me to get a grip.

I'm confident that this won't lead to an affair. I know that sounds wishy washy but it won't. Neither of us will ever act on anything. We're never in the situation where it could happen.

That's if the person in question feels the same - I may be completely and utterly wrong and it may be all in my imagination.

OP posts:
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