22yr relationship coercive control I have no say in anything

[longtimecomin]

Hi

I've been with my partner for 22 yrs. we have 4 boys, I have was pregnant after 5 months together when I was in my late teens and he (15yrs older) was delighted and really wanted the baby. At the time he said we would get married, he dangled this carrot for a long time, I was a SAHM the entire time and he never wanted me to work. 22 yrs on and he is so rude to me, regularly gives me the silent treatment for weeks on end. I want out but everything is in his name and I don't even have any earning capacity. I know I've been controlled all these years but it's so unfair that I have nothing to show for the years of raising kids and I probably won't have a pension and if I want to leave I don't have the money. I don't want to take the kids to a refuge because I don't want to disrupt their lives. We have £20k in savings and my friend says I should take either the full £20k or even my half of £10k but he earned that money and he'll take me to court to get it back. I get £500 per month but that all goes on activities for kids, food shopping etc so I have nothing left to save at the end. Any advice? I feel worn down and powerless, please be kind....

You need to contact Womens Aid. They will understand and give you good advice.

I went to women's aid last year and was going to leave but he started being pleasant again.,I'm sure they probably have little sympathy for women who back out and stay with abusive partners.

I'm pretty sure that happens all the time, it can be very long and hard to leave an abusive relationship, you're definitely not alone and they would definitely listen and help if you rang again.

I'm sure they have LOTS of sympathy for women who back out because they understand how difficult it is to leave. Please don't feel you can't go back to them.

Thanks, I just feel I let them down last time and it would be embarrassing to go back. Also, my parter earns a lot of money but I think he hides it in other accounts. Does anyone know if I could have a right to his hidden money, it just seems so unfair because I have so little to show for the years I've been serving the kids and partner.

Most of the women they work with will take many attempts to actually leave, don’t let that stop you contacting them again.

Ok I will contact them, I don't want my kids to be in a refuge and that's my biggest worry.

The average woman takes SEVEN attempts to leave an abusive partner.
WA will not be logging your discussions with them or judging you.
Please contact them

Also if the 20k is in a joint account then yes, you can take it

Don’t be scared of the refuges they are a good place to be as they are a safe haven for you and the children

Phone them again and do so soon

I’d keep things as normal as possible as he notices change and then does the cycle of bringing you back in by being pleasant. It’s not him his mask will slip again.

It takes on average 7 times to leave an abusive partner

OP first of all, it's really, really common for women to leave and go back many times to an abuser. No one is going to judge you for that. Please don't let that hold you back.

He started being pleasant again because he knew you wanted to leave. He'll do it again this time around as well so be wary.

Don't tell him you want to leave as abuse can escalate surprisingly quickly. Try to keep things as normal as possible and plan your escape.

As pp have suggested, the best way of going about this is to contact a domestic abuse organisation and take it from there. They will advise you on the safest way to leave in order to minimise risk.

You're not married which does put you in a precarious position so you need legal advice. I would advise you to contact Rights of Women, your local CABx or Lawworks.

Gingerbread can help with information on child maintenance, benefits and contact arrangements.

Thank you so much for the advice, I'll start making enquiries. We have a lovely home in a nice area, it's so worrying to think I'll put me and my kids into a much worse situation but I guess it's the only way I can get some self respect back and get my kids into a happier environment. I wish I could just kick him out!!

It won't be a worse situation, though, will it? Financially maybe (although he'd still need to pay for the children) but living in a home where one parent is miserable and oppressed, with weeks of silence between the grown-up... that's about the worst for a child.

It's no problem.

Thanks everyone for your kind words, I'll get some legal advice and ask about his hidden money too.

Anyone else? .....

This sounds really difficult for you op but you can get away and you will feel so much better when you do!

Different scenario, but I left my exh when I was almost 60. I was a very low earner, and I was terrified of the thought of struggling with money, maybe not being able to manage... Two years on, I have a new job and am so much happier without him.

It's probably easier to take small steps at the beginning, otherwise it's just so overwhelming. Start with women's aid and then take it from there. No one is judging you for not being out by now, everyone knows leaving someone is a slow and difficult process.

If I can do it you can too longtime!

Good luck to you.

It seems like you're not married to him? I assume you're in the UK?

Unfortunately you're not entitled to any of his money as you're not married. Nor any assets that are in his name. However you would get child support from him.

Although your financial situation will be worse, you'd probably be much much happier rid of him. If you're happier then your children are also going to be happier.

Thank you, so many kind words and helpful suggestions, just what I need. I might just take that £20k and see what happens..

Could you access some legal advice through Women's Aid regarding your financial situation?

You said - “I'm sure they probably have little sympathy for women who back out and stay with abusive partners”

That’s absolutely not true. We have ongoing compassion for women in this difficult situation. It’s worth knowing that many, many staff members have experienced DA as children or partners themselves. Please don’t let this (wrong) idea stop you from asking for advice and support.

A solicitor will be able to tell you what you can get from him. While it is true that being unmarried can result in not being entitled to his personal money - he will be required to give you a substantial amount as maintenance as it is worked out based on his income. You can also keep all of your child benefit and will be entitled to other benefits while you get back on your feet.
Don't let him clear that shared bank account before you do.
And trust me - there are some very decent jobs out there for someone who is motivated and a hard worker. I bet you are both of those things.

It often takes several attempts for people to leave abusive relationships, Women's Aid will absolutely understand this.

If you have children you will be entitled to benefits and help with housing. It’s will be unbelievably hard the first year or two (most likely in temporary or emergency housing) but it gets better. You have steel within you that can get you through this.
I’ve visited women who have left with nothing and two years on they have a home to call their own, a part time job they love and children coming out of their shells.
Please consider too that although you may have financially a good life for your children, you are giving them the impression that this behaviour is normal. Reading Mumsnet you will see that a good financial upbringing isn’t everything. You can give them something money can’t buy.

I’m rooting for you.

You'll be entitled to benefits. You can start training and then get a jon and you should take the £20k. But first seek some legal advice.

I wouldn't just take all the savings! It will anger him apart from anything else. Get some proper advice first. Another few months of careful planning isn't going to hurt.