I need some advice on abuse and contact arrangements

[LovingWifeAndMother]

I need to advice fellow parents, I left my ex around 18 months ago, he was verbally abusive and i was very unhappy, I moved back to live near my family with my two children (both girls 5, 10). i tried to support contact with their dad but he to started to harass me every day, ringing me up to 80 times and making threats if i didnt go back to him, he also when he has contact with my children slept in bed with the 5 year old despite me telling him not to. it got worse with me saying he coudnt have them on a certain date he demanded and then turned up at their school in the middle of the day and tried to take them out of school, so i took him to court, they awarded me a non mol for the harassment and a live with order, prohibited steps order to stop him removing them from my care and he got an indirect contact order with advice to promote letters, then move onto calls and eventually contact if i thought it safe. So we started with letters, then my then 6 year old confided in my that her uncle (my brother) had been sexually abusing her, we spend more time in court and now my brother is in prison. Our lifes were turned upside down and he blames me as its my brother and ofton comments i know about it and how i condoned it etc. So after letters it went to calls, he seemed ok with them, so i invited him to stay in a hotel near me so i could supervise the contact, we did this twice until they were accustomed again (not seen them in over a year) then last week i let him have them at his (3 hour drive away). They had a good time and said he didnt talk badly about me etc (which he used to do none stop), then this morning my 7 year old asks me to wipe her bum (shes been wiping it herself since she was 3, he knows that because i lived with him till she was 5) and it turned out he has been wiping her bum, i asked my 12 year old if she had been good and was wiping herself ok and she said no dad did it and she was running around naked all Wednesday until some family came around and told him to dress her. Is it just me or is thinks man stupid and irresponsible! she has just been sexual abused and i find this unacceptable, i has explicitly asked him not to do these things and he chooses to do them anyway, so i have gone back (or will go back) to supervised contact and it will never go to unsupervised.

Please give me some advice, my lifes been a whirlwind of court, stress, hurt children and a bad ex for the best part of 2 years, i need ti know what other parents think. Sometimes i think im being to harsh and others not harsh enough, i want the kids to be happy, they want to see him, but kids dont always want whats best for them and i think hes a really bad parent and just not responsible enough ti look after children

Not sure why you would want them anywhere near a nasty abusive man. Father or not. If no-contact is an option, take it. That naked 12 year old stuff is fucked up. I'd never let them near him again tbh. It sounds like grooming.

If it were me I'd up and move them across country as far away from the asshole as possible. And explain to the ten year old that daddy isn't a nice man. That he treats women badly. And that sometimes we care about people and they turn out to be wrong'uns. And when that happens, we have to be brave and protect ourselves and cut them from our lives.

Thank you for commenting, sorry i think i worded that wrong, it was the 7 year old naked etc. I think its unacceptable since he has been warned already in court of this stuff, and with my 7 year old being special needs she wont see the wrong in it, im really angry he ignores anything i say to do with the kids and does as he pleases, i have told him today he is to have supervised contact and he has jumped right back to me allowing my brother to sexually abuse her but he cant even see his kids (obviously i didnt allow it i was devastated)

He'll throw that back in your face forever, as he is not a nice man.

Is he paying child support?

I think the fact that he has ignored court warnings and continued with the behaviour is grounds enough for you to refuse further contact. Maybe speak to your solicitor again about this so you have it on record.

I mean he isn't right in the head and that isn't going to change. I wouldn't want my girls to have him as a role model for the way men treat women.

Thanks, i have documented everything so i remember if he takes me back to court, i cant go back to my solicitor as im still paying the debt of, i would defend myself this time as i just cant afford it.

He has a daughter who is 21 now, he brought her up the same, when i moved in he was sleeping in a bed with her, wiping her bum etc and she was 8 at the time, i was only 17 at the time and after a while it all changed, and when i had mine they were not put through the same, but as soon as i left i said in court he is NOT to do the same with the kids he did with the eldest (because i wouldn't be there to oversee anymore) but no he went right back to all of it. I mean its less than 6 months since my daughter got sexually abused, we have had to do the underwear song etc with her class at school, i look away when she changes etc to reinforce the importance of covering herself and then he had her running around naked at his?!?!

yes he is paying maintenance, not willingly but its taken out of his bank.

I think the bum wiping at 7 is only a problem if they have a problem with it. Are they saying they dont want him to? If so then yeah, its not ok.

Though you could argue it fosters some sort of sick dependence on him tbf even if they are cool with it.

I'd be more worried about other mental manipulation on top of this. Trying to turn them against you will be a big feature.

Him wiping her bum is a problem to me, she was wiping her bum by herself when we all lived together as a family, why you thought it would be a good idea to start doing it again right after she has been abused has made me really angry, he does everything for her aswell when she is there, when she comes home she doesnt want to dress herself, out her own shoes on, her coat on, wipe her own bum, get a drink, it really annoys me he cant see he is not helping her but ruining her.

He did at the start try to turn them against me, and he would shout at my in front of them, one time locking them in the car so i couldn't get them until he had said his piece after a visit one time. I know he loves them, but his love is not good for them, where do i draw the line?

To be honest sounds like he is doing the right things. How about just explaining to him that she is able to wipe herself. I don,t see this as a big issue And being naked isn,t an issue unless you make it so.

Trust your instincts trustingwofeandmither. He is out of order. He shouldn't be doing that.

I honestly dont think june2007 has read your second post. How on earth can you think that what she has described is the right thing to do?!

Thanks for the message, i sapose everyone sees things in a different light, coming from a family where i have been sexually abused, my sister has been sexual abused and now my own daughter, i have zero trust in men, and when i tell ask him face to face and during court not to have her running around naked or be sleeping in bed with her etc and he does it anyway, in my mind that's him choosing to cause trouble with the contact. He knows how i felt about it, and i think 7 is too old to be naked for hours anyway! she is special needs so she would just be sat on the sette legs wide open watching tv, sitting on his knee, how is that ok!? to me thats so wrong, and apparently she was naked from when she got up to around 11am, its disturbing to me and it makes me think why does he want her naked, why not get her dressed?