Abusive but want to change

[Martu1]

Hi,

I think I am realising that I am abusive but I don't want to be like this.

I am in a relationship with another woman. We are very different people. She is extrovert and popular and I am very quiet and struggle to make any friends.

My DP has a new job which is very time consuming and means despite us living together we see very little of each other. I spend probably 75% of my time alone now. When my DP is off work understandably she wants to go out with her new work friends or other friends. I know this and it is right that she does that.

I am really struggling with hating my job and feeling very stressed and feeling very lonely with no friends and little family support. I have found myself falling more and more into depression and anxiety. I am not sleeping and just feel very low. I have been on the stately home threads and am seeing that my childhood was abusive and is why I cannot make connections with people now.

I feel so lonely and so when my DP arranges nights out I can see myself being controlling and upset at having another night alone which is ruining my relationship. My DP is becoming upset because she doesn't understand why I am feeling low and doesn't really understand mental health issues.

I don't know how to change. I am in therapy but it isn't working- maybe I am not doing enough to make it work. I keep thinking maybe I should go to the GP and ask for medication? Or maybe I should split up with my DP because I am not in a good place and not easy to be with but then at the same time I feel then I will have no-one at all. My DP is so suffocated by me at the moment and I cannot blame her.

Please can someone tell me how I can change or how I can be normal because I feel so lost and low.

I'm not seeing where you are being abusive.

I'm sorry to hear about your mental health problems and suggest you see your GP for a chat and discuss medication.

From what I can gather, you feel very alone in the relationship and would like to spend more time with your partner but, when she has free time she chooses to spend it with friends.

It sounds to me as though she's checked out of the relationship if she's not choosing to spend time with you.

It also sounds as though you are being needy and demanding which can drive people away. That could be part of your depression but, it's a natural reaction to chase after someone we think is going off us. You may find yourself attracted to people who aren't emotionally available which is common when you come from an abusive background.

Do you do anything at all other than work? It could be an idea to start running or join a gym if you can afford it. Exercise is great for depression and it would get you out of the house and take some pressure off your partner. In the meantime perhaps call Respect which is a helpline for abusers. Have a chat with them to discuss it further and for advice and support.

Thank you. You are right I have become very needy and dependent on my DP for support.

My DP will spend time with me when they are not in work but with their opposite shifts that can be about 3 days a month together. I have become very lonely and overthink everything as the rest of the time apart from work I am alone. We have no mutual friends so any socialising is outside of us as a couple. Something I feel very sad about also.

As I do not have a support network I put it all on my DP and I can see that I do this and it overwhelms her.

My DP has really pulled away and I know that my behaviour is making this worse.

I have joined the gym and I know I need to make an effort to go but I always make excuses with myself as to why I cannot.

Thanks for the link, it is hard to think of myself as a perpetrator but I know I need to be honest with myself about my behaviour. I never shout or scream but I know I become very quiet and withdrawn which is wrong.

That's no problem. Do you think you might be passive aggressive? When you don't get your own way you give her the silent treatment. Yes, that is abusive and awful to deal with. It sounds as though you punish her by withdrawing.

You sound self aware though, as in, you recognise that you're doing it and it's unhealthy. That's the first step.

Have you looked into Napac? It's an organisation for those abused in childhood and they have support groups you might find helpful. In the meantime, try to work with your therapist on finding strategies other than withdrawing and take it from there.

Start making the gym a habit, find a time and stick to it and make it part of your routine like brushing your teeth. I promise you will feel better after exercising and you may meet some new people there.

You aren't abusive OP. You don't sound abusive, you just sound insecure and lacking in confidence. Definitely go and see your GP. It could be anxiety related

Thanks so much for replying. It's really helpful.

I wouldn't say I am ever passive aggressive or withdraw. It is more that I will become upset at how I have no one and will become tearful that I have no one to socialise with. It isn't attractive in the slightest though and it is putting her off me. It is isn't ever that I am worried she may cheat or I want to stop her having a life. It is more than I am upset that compared to her I have nothing.

To her it is that I am making her feel bad for the fact that she has that and I do not and she does not know what to do about it. She can't cope with it though because it is controlling behaviour.

I did share this with my counsellor but she didnt really offer me any support with it. Thanks for the link. I will explore that. I believe it is all linked to my childhood.

I see, so she feels guilty because you're upset.

Like I said, recognising that, then actively doing something about it, is great.

I hope you manage to work through it. I think your first step should be your GP as you really do sound depressed. Then perhaps call Respect and Napac and take it from there.

I think if you are somewhat trying to control her actions then that is a form of abuse. I’m not sure what the solution is here though. You’re obviously aware that it’s not her causing the problems. What is it specifically that’s making you unhappy? You say you don’t like your job and it’s making you stressed. Could you look for a new job?

I'm sure you're aware you need to work on yourself first, so maybe medication would help? You need to build a life of your own. Expecting another person to be everything for you and to make your life perfect is a recipe for disaster.

I agree with what kbm said. But also think your dp should be making more time for you. Maybe time to go your separate ways.
Starting medication sounds like a good idea. I know from experience what a difference medication makes, it helped me clear my mind. Like a messy room getting tidied up. And I became more confident when I was able to think straight.