I need your wisdom please!!

[thetruthisout]

Ok I'll try to keep this short as I really need the help of you wise mumsnetters. Forgive me if I don't reply straight away as I'm in a bit of a state. So for a long (long) time I've suspected my partner of being up to something, didn't know what, couldn't prove anything etc.

There have been incidents in our relationship that have happened but he always has an excuse/ reason and talks me round. I know it sounds ridiculous written down but I desperately wanted to believe him as I love him and we have children and I didn't want to blow their world apart.

Anyway last night i woke up and his phone was unlocked. So I did it didn't I, I looked. What I found was basically everything I thought he was doing, meeting people for sex. He doesn't know I know yet so basically the reason I'm posting is to ask you lovely people if there is anything I should do before I speak to him about it.

I think I'm ready to speak to him but I'm scared because once the cat is out of the bag I won't be able to go back.

Also I don't think I will be able to pretend all day. I've got all the evidence I need on my phone so he cannot deny it. What the fuck do I do? I've always had a feeling this day would come and to be honest it's kind of a relief that I'm not a crazy unhinged jealous bitch as he has had me believe.

I'm not sure I can help with practicalities but I can say firstly, it's not at all ridiculous to believe your partner and keep hoping, particularly for the sake of your children.

Secondly, take your time. Don't feel rushed to do anything. Small steps as you feel strong enough. for the shock.

Could it turn shouty? Could your children go to a friends?
After you’ve secured important documents/bank accounts etc (give them to a relative to keep them safe) I would be inclined to broach it somewhere public in case it gets intense he may be inclined to shout and will doubtless see your looking at his phone as the thing to focus on, not what he has done

Personally, I would show him the evidence on your phone, watch his horrified face and then say 'just go'. Have a suitcase ready for him to pack some things.
I'm so sorry he has blown your world apart. There's no going back, I'm so so sorry.

Thanks for all your advice everyone. It may turn shouty yes but I feel weirdly calm. So weird, very calm but very shaken. I'm kind of just relieved to know really, I've always felt that there was something he was keeping from me. When there has been things like this before he has never asked how I found out, just convinced me I was wrong so I'm not really worried about that. When you've been unfaithful for pretty much the whole relationship and let someone build their life around you I don't think you've got a leg to stand on! I feel very numb at the moment.

He knows I know. The shit is really going to hit the fan. As I thought he doesn't want to talk and has asked why I'm still here if I know such bad things about him

What do you want to happen?

Are you married? What's your housing and financial position?

So what are you going to do? What do you want to happen now?

Talking to him would never have changed what he's done.

Freeze your accounts or get evidence of them at this date as this will be your date of separation. Of if you have your own accounts transfer most of the money into them to avoid him doing the same and spending it. Get a lawyer. Ask him to leave and if he wont, leave with the kids.

I am so sorry he has acted in such an awful way.

The house is in my name but he pays the mortgage, I couldn't afford it on my own. The shittist thing is that I miss him already. I know things have changed. I'm a stick my head in the sand kind of gal so I just want to stay in my own little bubble and not tell anyone, apart from the whole Mumsnet world obviously. We have separate accounts.

Also we're not married.

*So what are you going to do? What do you want to happen now?

Talking to him would never have changed what he's done.*

Your're so right. I don't think I even need to talk to him. I know him so well that I know exactly what he will say

You need to get legal advice about the house.

Do you work, also you need to check what you're entitled to in terms of benefits and maintenance.

The only talking you need to be doing to that bin diver now is telling him to get the fuck out of YOUR house.

I miss him already

You miss the illusion of the person you've created in your mind and the false sense of security it gives you.

This is a person who has been serially unfaithful, lied to and gaslit you and has exposed you to potentially life threatening STDs.

His reaction to knowing he's been rumbled is very telling, so basically he either wants you to leave YOUR home or stfu and let him carry on his cheating in peace.

Get him out OP, the fucking cheek of it alone is making my blood boil.

Go into your phone OP - and look up his contact - change the name there from his to ‘Big fucking liar’ - then re read all those texts and see him for what he is.

All you can do is deprive him of your company and be thankful you will not have any more of your life stolen by this piece of shit! I’m so sorry OP - but you will heal I promise.

Thanks @Closetbeanmuncher (best user name ever by the way). This is so so shit. Your right though, once a cheater and all that. Ffs. Why?!! Thanks for reading and offering help everyone. Nice to have some back up while I go through this.

So sorry you are going through this op. Have a look on entitled to website to see if you could claim something and don’t forget he will need to pay maintenance for your dc

@thetruthisout , you must be so shaken. What a first class wankball.

Try to make a list of practical steps, so you can gain some clarity around what you need to do. Keep posting xx

Thanks @mamato3lads, I really am in bits. I've been on mumsnet for years but haven't really had the need for it like this before. It really helps me to not feel so alone Xx

He asked why you're still here? Point out to him he's living in your house. And tell him to pack his bags.

He needs to go. Get a lodger/re-negotiate the mortgage, but if it's your house in your name then kick him out.

Now is the time to stop thinking about feelings, stop thinking about what to say to each other. The time for that is long gone. You know the truth. Nothing changes it.

Now is the time to turn your mind to practicalities of how you split not whether you split.

What needs to be done? What's your plan for housing? Child maintenance? Contact? Logisitics of living together until you no longer live together?

@timeforanotherchange that's a great idea actually, I never thought of that! We've definitely got the room, thank you

Suggest taking a peep at websites like When Georgia Smiles which offers advice about preparing and planning for a safe exit. You may want to move some possessions out and as advised in messages notes of bank accounts and copies and key documents like passports ni numbers, children's NHS numbers. Back up any photos.

I think you should have a friend with you when you actually tackle it. Maybe practise what you are going to say. Also contact your GP for sexual health as he may have infected you. When it actually happens may want to let school know as children maybe upset, confidentially. You may want to contact a solicitor too.

Good luck.

As you aren't married he has no legal right to stay in your house. Tell him to pack a bag and fuck off out of it.

Reach out to friends and family for support. You're running on adrenaline right now but you'll need support around you in the days and weeks to come.