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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH volunteer work

27 replies

OlgaDePolga · 22/02/2020 07:57

Will try to keep this short.... DH volunteers within the emergency services in his 'free time'. We have discussed how unhappy I am about this (he works full time 50+ hours, Saturdays/Sundays the only time we/he really get quality time with the 3 DC/if he gets hurt he won't be able to work) but he just doesn't seem to be able to take on board my concerns. It's really affecting our relationship and I just don't really know where we can go from here.
Not sure why I'm asking mumsnet, maybe I'm being selfish...

OP posts:

DICarter1 · 22/02/2020 08:02

How much time is committed to the volunteering? I can understand why you’re unhappy even though it is a lovely thing to be doing but you are obviously having to facilitate it by looking after the kids and house.

Finfintytint · 22/02/2020 08:06

If he’s a Special then the minimum hours are 16 per month. Can you ask him to try to stick to that?

filka · 22/02/2020 08:14

Does he have insurance that would adequately cover loss of earnings if he got injured? Preferably provided by his voluntary job. That would at least mitigate the financial risk that you see.

Original poster

OlgaDePolga · 22/02/2020 08:14

@DICarter1 yes, I suppose I am facilitating it by looking after the kids which pisses me off as I get to spend all week with them anyway so by the time the weekend rolls around I'm more than a little kidded-out
@Finfintytint - when we have so little time together (taking into account all the other weekend activities) 16 hours still feels like a lot. It's not like I get to spend 16 hours a month doing what I like doing/feel called to. But this is where I wonder if I'm being totally selfish and should just be grateful he's not into cycling or something else soul-destroying!

OP posts:

Original poster

OlgaDePolga · 22/02/2020 08:15

@filka I don't know - be worth finding out. Thanks for that

OP posts:

DICarter1 · 22/02/2020 08:17

Could he do some in the week? 16 hours a month on the face of it doesn’t seem a lot but when you have the kids all week it seems way more. Does he have any cover to ensure if something happens during volunteering that it won’t affect his paying job?

How old are the dc?

midgebabe · 22/02/2020 08:21

It's unfair if he has lots of discretionary time and you don't

ukgift2016 · 22/02/2020 08:25

This sounds like a man trying to avoid spending time with his partner. I would be very concerned if I was you.

CalmdownJanet · 22/02/2020 08:30

16 hours a month? That seems like nothing, is that all he is doing? If so then I think that's fair. Does he do anything else? By that I mean sport/gym/hobby? Because it would depend on how long he was out in total

SunnySomer · 22/02/2020 08:34

My DH used to be a mountain rescue volunteer before we had DC. His job is v long hours/regularly away from home so he felt compelled to go to every single call-out when he was at home. Which meant he seemed to be home to shower and sleep and that was all and I was permanently alone with DC.
I think I put it in terms of “I feel bad asking you to do this because I understand it’s important to you and an important thing locally - but can you put it on hold until DC are older?” This seems a reasonable ask to me. He was initially a bit put out but seemed to get it. I think it’s helpful if you can put it calmly and rationally rather than complaining/nagging (or being perceived to do this!)

Upyerbum70 · 22/02/2020 08:37

Does his employer sign up to the Employer Supported Scheme? Some do- and he could volunteer on a normal work day.

Original poster

OlgaDePolga · 22/02/2020 08:43

Thanks, all: some very valid points in there... I guess my biggest bugbear is that any thoughts or feelings I have about it all feel like they're being brushed aside and his "big-hearted-public-knight-on-a-white-charger" takes priority over his children and marriage. Just feels shit, tbh.

OP posts:

HappyAsASandboy · 22/02/2020 08:47

A previous poster said 16 hours a month doesn't sound like much. I completely disagree! If that time is at weekends, as the OP implied in her post, then that could be 3 weekend days that are dominated by volunteering (eg three Saturdays of 5/6 hours each plus travel time etc). That's a lot of extra time to ask the SAHP to continue to sail the ship alone.

Obviously if he can volunteer during his lunch break on 4 days a week and so cover 16 hours per month without being out of the house any extra time, that's different. But I suspect that's not what's happening here.

I would approach this as you needing the same amount of time to spend volunteering/hobby while he takes care of the kids and house. I suspect the prospect of spending the bulk of three sundays a month sailing the domestic ship alone will help him understand why you're objecting.

Upyerbum70 · 22/02/2020 08:48

He can fit his 16 hrs requirement into two shifts. If he can get his employer to allow him One day a month to volunteer then he’d only have to work one shift (I’m guessing at a weekend when demand is high). Or Could he work slightly longer days and accrue a day - say over a month - and use that as a day off to volunteer. Still gets paid, and one day less eating into your family time.

SleepDeprivedElf · 22/02/2020 08:52

Sounds like loads! Tell him you want to volunteer and ask for 16 for yourself.

Trahira · 22/02/2020 08:55

This is a tricky one OP, because he is genuinely doing a good thing but it puts a lot of pressure on you. Can you think of something you'd like to do that you find hard to fit in at the moment, eg a weekly exercise class, and ask him to facilitate you going to that? Yes it means even less family time, but I think you need to put yourself first for a change. It may help you feel less resentful of him, and it may also help him to understand your perspective.

Okbutno · 22/02/2020 08:59

OP can you clarify how many hours he's doing? And when?
But tbh any volunteering on top of 50 hours is a lot.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/02/2020 08:59

It's a good thing to do but it's really not compatible with family life with young children if he's also working full time.

I do volunteer work, for 3 hours a week but I only work part time and I do it on my day off when DS is at school. I wouldn't do it if I were working full time while DS is still young.

Original poster

OlgaDePolga · 22/02/2020 09:10

@Okbutno - it's not a set number of hours, it's more of an 'on-call in case of issues' scenario but that means he won't do anything other than sit around at home waiting for a call while he's on call iyswim. It all sounds so pathetic now I've written it down, but I guess strangers on the internet can't get the full picture.
Thanks for everyone who's taken the time and trouble to reply

OP posts:

DICarter1 · 22/02/2020 10:50

I’d ask him to cut back or stop. My husband has cut a lot of his stuff back because we both made the decision to have children and it’s not up to one parent to have to shoulder the entire burden. Yes people should have time to do hobbies etc but it sounds like his hobby/volunteer work has taken over any free time together.

user53976478853 · 22/02/2020 10:59

It might be a good thing for his community, but is it a good thing for his family?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 22/02/2020 11:02

I think I'd be pissed off. It's a family decision as affects all of you yet he has taken it by himself. There will soon come a time when the kids are more interested in spending all their free time with friends and it wont be so full on at home. Why cant he put it on hold for a while

RandomMess · 22/02/2020 11:11

Sounds like he dictates all the weekend time as being sitting around at home in case of call out so as a family you don't actually go out and do anything together and you can't go out without the DC because you are his childcare....

Sounds like he is living his life and you have to completely accommodate what he wants to do!

Can he restrict when he is available to be on call out? Can be limited to work days and EOW Saturday or similar?

rookiemere · 22/02/2020 11:14

It may be good for the community, but not for his DCs. I would try framing it as being important that he gets to create a bond with them when they are young. Believe me, once they're teens they won't want to spend much time with either of you at all.

Also you deserve and need some time outside the home to pursue your hobbies - if he's working full time and volunteering at the weekend there's no time left for that.

whitesoxx · 22/02/2020 11:47

Yep, DP does the same. He works long shifts and then volunteers for the RNLI. There isn't a set minimum hours, it's as and when his pager goes plus training days/nights.

It's become his life and very much part of his identity.

Insist on your own time OP, take up a class, hobby, anything you want.

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