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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with DP’s past (poss Trigger Warning)

26 replies

HelpMeNC · 22/02/2020 07:05

Ok, so this might be a bit TMI.

My DP told me the other week that when he was younger he had sex with a woman in the street on nights out on a few occasions.

He didn’t use protection and he acknowledges that these women were very drunk.

I’m really bothered by this, as it’s totally at odds with my view of him. He has always been open about his past but has told me previously that he was always the one out of his friends who didn’t take advantage of drunk women and made sure they got home
O K.

I’m not jealous I don’t think. He has had lots of ex gfs and I’m totally chilled about this. I wouldn’t even be bothered if he’d had lots of one night stands where the women weren’t really drunk and he didn’t take them behind bins - and treated them with a bit of respect like they aren’t just holes there for his convenience. But this just feels like he has used these women and taken advantage of their drunkenness. He acknowledges that he didn’t make any effort to make it about their pleasure.

I get that everyone has a past and it was a long time ago but I’m really troubled by this. Can someone hand me a grip please and tell me I’m being completely OTT by being bothered by this?

OP posts:
Nicolastuffedone · 22/02/2020 07:13

So, they weren’t able to consent? What does that make him, do you think???

User06 · 22/02/2020 07:13

Why do you feel he used them? Was he really drunk too? Had they spent the evening together getting drunk and flirting and ended up doing that?

Having sex in the street is not something I’ve ever done but I have friends who have. They’d disappear out of the club and come back an hour later thinking it was hilarious.

I think unless you know the full story you can’t really judge. Hearing sex with a drunk woman in the street does sound hideous. But if it was circumstances as above, not so much.

mountainreallyhigh · 22/02/2020 07:19

Sounds to me like young people getting drunk and having a one night stand. But instead of going to someone's place to have sex, could possibly still lived at home so they did it outside instead. One night stands were pretty common in my social group growing up.

Original poster
HelpMeNC · 22/02/2020 07:23

He was apparently very drunk. He says that the women were willing participants and were not so drunk as not to know what was happening.

OP posts:
AdriannaP · 22/02/2020 07:26

It’s hard to know without knowing more. Did he chat them up jn a club and they went outside or did he literally pick up drunk women from the street and take them behind the bins. If the second, I doubt they were able to consent.
I wouldn’t be happy if my DP had done this. Definitely sounds like he took advantage of women in a vulnerable state.

saraclara · 22/02/2020 07:27

Do you think they made it about his pleasure?
This is hardly unheard of, and when you hear women talking about having done it, they give every impression of being willing participants.
I wouldn't worry about it to be honest, given he'd been upfront about it.

mountainreallyhigh · 22/02/2020 07:29

Two drunk people having sex isn't always going to be a sexual assault! Your reading to much into OP. It's in his past, he's been honest. Move forward.

ukgift2016 · 22/02/2020 07:29

So there was consent and both were drunk? I don't see the issue here.

Cambionome · 22/02/2020 07:29

That's absolutely disgusting.

First he says they were very drunk, then he says that they weren't too drunk to give consent. Which is it?

Does he show any signs of remorse now or any awareness of how awful his behaviour was?

mountainreallyhigh · 22/02/2020 07:32

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User06 · 22/02/2020 07:37

I don’t think his behaviour is awful at all. I’ve been very drunk but still able to consent if I needed to. My male friend has also been in a position where he was very drunk and had sex with women he wouldn’t have if he was sober- but they instigated it and he has gone along with it despite his better judgement when not drinking. You can’t cry rape or sexual assault every time someone has had a drink in circumstances they likely wouldn’t consider when they were drunk.

Original poster
HelpMeNC · 22/02/2020 07:43

Thanks everyone. I don’t think that he raped them or sexually assaulted them but to me it just feels a bit wrong.

I’m possibly just having a bit of an overreaction.

OP posts:
UseBy2020 · 22/02/2020 07:44

Was he drunk on a night out too? Had he already met these women in a club or bar and then gone outside together with the deliberate intention to have sex?

If so, it might not be what you fear.

As with another pp, there were lots of drunken one night stands in my friend groups as a student. We all traded exploits, girls as well as boys and sometimes even marked them on a map. I had a few which I remember as stupid, irresponsible, and pretty crap sex but both sides were equally inebriated and enthusiastic and I didn't feel taken advantage of. It seemed like an adventure at the time and now it just looks young and foolish. While most of us would normally use condoms I remember stories of being too drunk to open the packet properly or throwing caution to the wind.

If a man wasn't drunk and hadn't met these women already, had no prior consent, just saw them behind a bin and had unprotected sex with them while they couldn't stop him, that would be rape.

Ginnymweasley · 22/02/2020 07:45

So 2 consenting adults had drunken sex in an alleyway somewhere?? It was a one night stand, everyone got home safely. Of course the lack of protection is stupid for all involved but drunk people do stupid things. I'm not really sure what your issue is tbh

labazsisgoingmad · 22/02/2020 07:50

though i am not decrying the situation obviously it is difficult to say if you were not there and have the full facts.
sounds like he is ashamed of what he did in all fairness but as others have said its not unusual.
where i am from on a monday lots of girls were boasting about who they had had a ons down the rec with. yes they were drunk as well but they had an almost a desire to have sex with as many as possible and having it on a hard bench in view of passers by and a housing estate seemed to add to the thrill
i personally think it is a stage a lot of people have gone through myself included

Original poster
HelpMeNC · 22/02/2020 07:51

No, he definitely wasn’t lurking behind bins. At least I hope not.

Thanks for helping me to put this in perspective.

OP posts:
ImaginaryCat · 22/02/2020 07:53

This is something I did several times in my late teens, early 20s. With hindsight I know I had chronically low self esteem and it wasn't very beneficial to my mental health.
However, even being utterly shit faced, I was still able to consent. I left the nightclub knowing what we were going outside to do. I might have felt a bit disgusted with myself after, but I was absolutely consenting.

I've done lots of dumb things when drunk... bought lots of crap off Amazon, had a kebab from a place that was blatantly a food poisoning fest, accepted drugs from people I knew cut them with harder stuff. But despite my drunkenness I own all those mistakes. I made them willingly.

Those of you equating drunkenness with automatic lack of consent do no favours to the metoo movement when you attempt to label every bloody man a rapist.

Goatinthegarden · 22/02/2020 08:02

I’ve never felt the need to discuss the drunken sexual exploits of my early 20s with my husband. I don’t care to hear about his either...

Sux2buthen · 22/02/2020 08:08

Ah the good old days Grin reminds me of my youth

MakeItRain · 22/02/2020 08:35

I know people (me included) do/have done things when they're young that they'd never do with the hindsight of age. But I think my partner previously being in the habit of picking up drunk women to have sex in the street with them isn't something I'd be able to get past to be honest.

Tellingitlikeitisnt · 22/02/2020 08:39

OP this happened plenty of times within my friendship group

I am sexually quite prudish now and also a strong feminist but I’ll confess to snogging a bloke in a club and then going for sex in the loo. Friends definitely did it in the street.

There was no mutual attempt at ensuring pleasure for the other or discussion about consent or what it meant- it was silly and foolish but led by being a bit drunk and young and horny I think!

Gutterton · 22/02/2020 08:48

Are there any other uncomfortable / subconscious feelings that you have had about him apart from this?

loveyoutothemoon · 22/02/2020 08:55

I did this, and many others I know growing up. Don't see your issue, it's his past.

AgentJohnson · 22/02/2020 13:26

He was apparently very drunk. He says that the women were willing participants and were not so drunk as not to know what was happening.

So why lie and deliberately make himself out to be someone he clearly wasn’t. He was at best a sleaze and at worst..... Discovering your partner is a sleazy liar should of course not sit right with you.

I wonder whatever other lies and poor behaviour have been filed under ‘well it was in the past, so it doesn’t matter anymore’ heading?

His lack of remorse and outright lies should be hard for you to dismiss.

DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld · 22/02/2020 17:01

Oh same @ImaginaryCat I have done so much fucking stupid stuff when I was drunk, including having a drunk shag behind the bins at the back of our local nightclub, but that doesnt mean I hadn't consented. I totally did.

OP I think you are massively overthinking it. And your husband is probably regretting being so honest Grin My husband definitely doesnt know some of the mad shit I got up to when I was younger.

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