Stale relationship

[Paradoxk1]

Hi, I am in a relationship that after 20years has gone more than a bit stale! This is the Male part of the relationship here...

Since the birth of our second son our relationship has steadily got worse.... we argue all the time, no matter what I do around the house (cooking, cleaning, washing, etc...) my partner always finds something wrong, we have got to the point of sleeping separately and working nights probably doesn't help.

Over the same period of time I have become one of the school run 'mums' as I do school run every single day and as such have become good friends with the mums, one in particular.

We have so much in common including night working. We have become very close but never crossed the line of friends, we have however discussed it! We both feel that we are only in our current relationships because of the children!

Neither of us are the cheating type, but I cant help thinking about her. Cannot just stop hanging out with her as our children are best friends and have been since starting pre school.

I am unsure what to do!

Talk to your wife about your marriage. It's clearly not good.

If you're having inappropriate thoughts about this woman you need to distance yourself. Even if you separated from your wife, she'd still be married. Don't go there. At all. Ever.

I have tried talking to my partner and it just ends up in another screaming match....

I know I cannot cross the boundaries with the other woman... but distancing myself from her would not be easy without it being glaringly obvious as not only are our oldest and youngest children in the same class, but she also lives very very close

Sorry but if you've discussed it you've already crossed the line.

Very true, thank you. I have a few big choices ahead of me about where my own relationship is going.... I have no intention of destroying her relationship...

You aren’t happy in your relationship, but someone else makes you happy. I wouldn’t endorse cheating but it does seem like you’re ready to move on

I do sometimes want to move on but then cant seem to go through with it!

My thoughts turn to our two boys (oldest has autism) and then the obvious lifestyle challenges like the house and finances.

I know the relationship is dead but I know without our relationship my partner cannot afford to get a place of her own (yes I do care) and she had a crap life after her parents split when she was young... I just dont want the same for our children

So while your wife is out at work all day, you’ve been cosying up and flirting with the other mums right? How about you get a day job and let your wife do the school run. She’s probably run ragged and knows you’ve got the best of both worlds. You get to do all the social school stuff which she is probably jealous of, I know I would be! Beyond both working nights and your kids what exactly do you and this woman have in common exactly? You’re an idiot. This woman is a stay at home Mum right? Or she wouldn’t have the time to be hanging out with you while your partners are grafting. How exactly do you see that playing out? Is she independently wealthy? Do you really think you’re going to be able to support yours and hers kids and split all your current financial responsibilities. How’s that exactly going to work? You’re caught up in a fantasy. Don’t you think you should be stepping back and investing your time in your poor wife. Have you actually booked a babysitter and taken her out on a date? If not then you need to buck your damn ideas up.

Actually I work 60hours a week and my partner works 24. The other mum works 40+ hours per week. I do not cosy up with anyone at the moment and that is part of the issue! I would like to cosy up with my partner but everytime I try we end up arguing.... and yes I have booked a babysitter and sent boys to nannies so I can take her out.... but guess what.... she complains about me spending money on that rather than something else. And as I am already spending 90% of my wages on Bill's it is a big kick in the balls!

I understand that she may be jelous of me doing all the social stuff with the boys but I do try to get her involved. Last time we all went she managed to upset 3 of the mums.... I think there is more to it

Also on my working days I get approximately 4 hours sleep due to doing the school run... so would love the missus to have more involvement t in school runs.

You are having an Emotional Affair. You are making a fool of your wife.

You’re attracted to OW. You’ve become very close and you spend emotional energy thinking of her. You’ve ‘discussed’ crossing a line with each other. You’ve confided in each other about your troubled marriages.

You’ve said things that you wouldn’t want your spouses to hear. How incredibly disrespectful.

Act with integrity and shut down this emotional infidelity. Distance yourself from OW. Sort your marriage by rebuilding your connection or end it honorably.

partner, not wife

What are the arguments about? What would your wife like you to spend the money on?

If she’s that angry there must be a root cause. Usually stress, debt, family related or she is feeling equally that your marriage has run its course. Can she define it?

If I were in your shoes I would get counselling ASAP. You need a mate by the way not a female friend. Easier said then done for sure.
Your wife is in a bad place. You too. You still care, and your marriage is still alive, even though there are not a lot of heartbeats left to it : dead is when you don't feel anything, when you don't give a peanut. She still feels also, deeply, under all those layers of anger.

You are both "coping" inadequately. Both miserable.
It could get way better, really but with a lot of work. There is no beating around the bush. Whatever you are going through you will have to build something new.
What was supposed to be a beautiful castle is a total ruin, and there is a stranger knocking at the door that you almost welcomed in. Your wife did her part too. That's for sure. You will both have to take responsibility.
You need help. You used up all the solutions that you know of and it's not working, you need to grow, and new input. Your partner too.
Get out of this relationship with this woman, the BFF, out of sheer self respect.
Your emotional energy is going to the wrong person, you are actively damaging your marriage. Stop right now.
I hope that you do understand that your BFF is also damaging her marriage in more ways then one : her narrative can never be the full picture. You do not know her rough edges, and with all this sexual energy that you are wrapping yourselves in, you do not have a correct understanding of what is at stake right now.
You don't get to be happily married for decades and keep the same routine. We change, our needs change, our expectations, everything. It can be done. I hope that you can dodge the bullet of divorce and find true happiness. If possible. If the only way is out, counselling will help too, as you have kids that would be the best way to go about things.
All the best.

Is money tight? How old are the kids?

Do you think she dislikes the fact that you work different hours so don't get family time?

I’d plan to leave and move on if I were you. It sounds like your marriage is over and you’ll just make yourself even more unhappy if you stay. Same goes for the other mum.
Best wishes!

If I were you I'd go to couple's counselling. You are clearly not communicating if every conversation about your relationship turns into a screaming match. You need to find out what is wrong so you can either work on putting it right or make other hard choices.

Does sound like everyone would’ve happier if you called time on your relationship, don’t drag anyone else in at the moment though.

You need to sit down and calmly talk to your wife about the future and what you both want and needs.

I expect your wife is already aware of your emotional affair and should think this is adding to her misery.

The part where you say she ‘upset other mums’, speaks volumes about where your head is at and your allegiance to her. I expect she feels very sideshow to you with the school run.

You sound like a bit of a martyr tbh. You protest a fair bit and I suspect it’s so you can justify the fact you’re in an EA with another woman.

Thank for your input, I have spoken to my partner and she is willing to go to counselling with me....

Hoping we can save our relationship....

Hi beat..... what you said made the best sense to me

Thumbs up. All the best.