What would you do?

[isittooearlyforgin]

Have 2 teenage kids, fantastic life work balance, not spectacularly well off but can buy what we need and give kids good life, nice house. I have a good social life and feel fulfilled in many ways. Generally i love my life. However my husband is a complete knob, just so selfish. I dont love him. Together we give my children a pretty good life. On my own, it would be tough. Would you divorce or carry on because everyone benefits? Am I lacking backbone. What would you do/have you done?

Life's too short to be unhappy!

Your kids are going to be spreading their wings, so what then? Sounds like this is nothing recent, just a general out of love scenario. Life is short. Your kids will be moving on soon. What will you do? The decision is yours!

Nooo life's to short

Are they 13 or 19 though? I'm all for life being too short to be unhappy but if they're early teens then they could maybe do with another year or two of a stable home. If they're 15+ I'd say they can handle it already

I would be limiting the kids (and my own) options. Now I can buy school trips, their social activities, their clothes etc etc. Whois to say my needs are more than theirs. My parents divorced and my mum left us (would not do that to them) but my life was hugely worse after the divorce.

One is just 13 the other 19. Their standard of living would massively reduce. Do my wants top theirs? They haven’t asked for this

Not 19, 15

I dont know your kids but I'd imagine a 13 yo in particular would struggle with the separation as they're not quite through the puberty/finding themselves stage of life. The 15 yo mah find it easier but again its unique to each kid and to you - sometimes it is worse for them to be around parents who resent one another than those who have split but respect each other

I'd say unless you're desperately unhappy, stay and give your children a good life. The time you get with them is such a relatively short amount of time.
A friend recently told me she could never leave her husband (who she also thinks is a knob), while her child is young because 1) it would have such a negative impact on their quality of life and 2) his next partner/wife could be an awful person who she wouldn't want to be involved in her child's life, but she'd have no say in it.

Leave him.

In fact I did. We get on much better now. The kids found / find it hard but it was hard to have unhappy parents arguing too.

You'll have the same amount of money between you but obviously with more outgoings if two houses.

Dad still has to contribute when you separate.

@moofolk there is no arguing but he is annoying to them (absolutely not abusive but very self first others second) as well as to me.

He can’t bear to be physically or mentally uncomfortable, talks about himself rather than asking after others. I’m not desperately unhappy at all but think I’m putting up with status quo when I should strive for more. I don’t want to meet anyone else and I foresee our future being worse. What price is being true to yourself? For the sake of 5 more years, is it worth just carrying on? I see the ives of single Mumsnetters on here and it sounds so tough

I think 5 more years, in the grand scheme of your life, isn't that much to give your dc a comfortable childhood filled with opportunities.

Can you challenge him? Could you get him to relationship counselling? Could you learn some strategies to deflect his behaviour, perhaps through personal counselling?

We’ve done relate. He just doesn’t care. I think I’m inclined to agree with @KellyHall and perhaps make an exit plan when the youngest hits 18. Then the eldest will be at uni and just need a two bed house . It feels weak and like I’m settling for less but as a child of divorce I know how it feels. Thanks ladies for your thoughts x

I found this helpful:

www.amazon.co.uk/Emotional-Vampires-Dealing-Revised-Expanded-ebook/dp/B0087OUIM6?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Thank you, will have a read of that!

Hi OP,

I agree with @KellyHall, as well. You can use this time wisely, within the safety net of your relationship. My mother struggled financially after she divorced my father, so that has influenced my recommendation.

You can save more money, start building a life of your own, i.e. hobbies, learn a language etc. Increase your income if need be, by improving your work prospects.

I am single, and it can be tough, so why put yourself through that. It is not as if you are not going to leave, but you are doing it strategically.

Good luck.

Everyone is different (obviously) but I can't wrap my heads around the stay for the kids or for a bit longer comments.

Maybe it's because my parents divorced and my siblings and I were so much happier when they did.

I split with my wife and we are both much happier. The children too.

@Barkley34 would you mind if I ask you how bad the situation was between you and your wife? I think here it is mostly just me who isn’t happy with the relationship and children are largely unaware, we don’t argue. What parts of your life became worse after your split?
When my parents divorced my life became much worse and I am really aware of that and wanting to mitigate any down sides.

I think you know you want to leave and you know it is the right thing to do, otherwise you would simply be carrying on with this charade for a good life without any doubts.

If you knew you were going to die before the youngest hit 18, say in 4 years, what would you do? Would this life be enough for you? Whatever you would do, do that.