What sacrifices/changes did your DH/DP make when you had children?

[Catsandbag]

I know that my DP has made a few sacrifices since having children, but nowhere near as many as I have. One thing he refuses to sacrifice is spending the closest weekend to my birthday and sometimes on my birthday to go away for the weekend for the annual final of his hobby.
This has devastated me every year to the point I dread my birthday as he lumps me with the children and let's face it, my birthday is atleast the one day of the year it should be about me!
I recently confided in his sister about how this makes me feel during a heart to heart and she said she feels he has "sacrificed enough already."
Yet, we're still not even married as DP doesn't see the point, yet did before children. We fell pregnant unexpectedly with twins, hence no marriage beforehand. He is now quite content to not bother.
Despite him making many sacrifices and reducing his social time considerably, I am still not convinced that he has sacrificed enough.
I'm interested in hearing about what your husbands/partners have sacrificed when children have come along?

I doubt he'll be amenable to a civil partnership, since I think its legally exactly the same as marriage.

@scott72 that's the point if he doesn't agree then very clearly the OP needs to make plans to return to work full time ect..

He gave up nothing. He took a week off work when I had a work conference and a 1 year old, but then went to his mums or sisters every day. He does more now as an ex husband who is bound by a child arrangement order to see our youngest 2 nights per week but he still sees school holidays as nothing to do with him and refuses to "help out with my childcare" as he sees it by doing any more than the 2 nights, ever.
Check out what you'd get if he left... I get way more in benefits (I work too) than he gave me when we were married and I don't have to feed an obese selfish pig who could finish a 6 pack of crisps and a case of beer in one evening.

I agree with a PP that it wasn’t a sacrifice as such, more of a change in priorities. DD is the focus of our lives now, but as she gets older and more independent, that will change and we’ll have more time for ourselves again.

My ex gave up nothing, yet expected me never to go out with friends again. Bastard, hope he is enjoying all his shitty hobbies

I'm struggling to see why your birthday cannot be celebrated the following/ previous weekend. For one thing, adult birthdays don't need to be anything more than a nice meal or a day out somewhere. I'd rather do it on a day when all participants are happy to be there, than to insist that someone misses out on doing something they look forward to.

It just seems like you're holding a lot of resentment about what doesn't really need to be an issue.

He has got job that he doesn't love but it means we can afford for me to be part time which I do love and he wfh on the days I work to collect older dd from school. He also cooks on those days and usually sticks on a load of washing or runs the vacuum round when he needs a screen break.
He very rarely goes out with friends or has drinks after work. Partly because he doesn't want to leave me doing dinner/bath/bed time with 3 small children and partly because he's knackered as he gets up in the night or does the 5 am starts with the dcs at least as much as I do, probably more.
He only buys stuff for himself when he gets Christmas or birthday money, same as I do really. We are very much a team.

My dh sacrificed nothing. Because he didn't need to, he was already a decent guy and realised that our lives would change and we would roll with it. That's how a partnership works after all.

It sounds like your partner would still be absent for your birthday even if you didn't have children. I guess you knew what he was like before you decided to have children together and I think that's the key.

Have children with a decent man rather than expecting a crap man to change after having children.

How does he treat you on your actual birthday? And do you get to celebrate on another day or weekend?

My husband sacrificed

Trips home to see his family (he is from another European country, and used to see them at least once a year but now it's too expensive for 4 of us to go so often)

His hobby. He gave it up and took up cycling instead so he can go out as and when and fit it around the kids. He often works from home and goes at lunchtimes.

He changed his working hours so starts later than he wanted so he can get the kids ready and dropped off in the mornings

Social life - we both used to go out weekly now its around once a month

Plus lots of small things, I'm sure he wants to spend his weekends in soft play and the park as much as I do!

He also took some shared parental leave but not enough to affect his career. He has stopped pursuing promotions with more travel or stints outside the UK though

Not spending your birthday with you when its important to you though isn't him not sacrificing anything it sounds like him being a dick, unrelated to parenthood

If I had a big annual event that I attended every year, connected to an interest I had had for many years, and my DH insisted that I stopped doing this thing because it coincided with his birthday, even though we could do something lovely for his birthday the week before/after, then I would think he was being really childish.

I don't know enough about your relationship to say whether he is a good partner or not. But I think in the interests of compromise, i wouldn't insist on the birthday thing provided it was marked on a different suitable day.

You are looking at this all wrong. Instead of asking why he doesn’t do x, y and z? Ask yourself why didn’t you prioritise marriage instead of settling with someone who doesn’t? Why continue having more children with someone who sees you as the default parent?

It amazes me why women cling to the idea of their bf being different despite all the evidence to the contrary.

This is who he is and sadly most men are beneficiaries of women’s low expectations, which explains his sister’s reaction and you accepting his crap.

I think you're right @AgentJohnson. But also, I think women in particular grow up after having children and realise that all they felt 'grateful' for in their DH or DP pre-children,is actually something they should have come to expect and more. Wisdom comes with age and experience I'm finding personally and after speaking to others. I also had a very lacking childhood and didn't really learn I needed to respect myself more until I had kids of my own.

@CalamityJune My sister's birthday is the week after mine, DM's is the week before mine and DPs is the week after DM's. I literally only have the weekend closest to my birthday to celebrate it. It wouldn't make me feel very good if I had to move it to a different month to accommodate a hobby. Whenever we have tried having a joint birthday celebration over DPs birthday, mine has been and gone by then so it gets forgotten and we end up celebrating his birthday with his family, who have always forgotten my birthday by then. His family also accompany him to the final over my birthday so they are fully aware that I have to miss out.

Completely mixed up the birthdays!
My sister is the week before
My birthday week after
DMs the week after mine
DHs a week after hers

There are 9 days between my sisters and mine and exactly 7 days in between mine, DMs and DPs .

His P &Q on Saturdays.

He remained a workaholic
Kept his football season ticket but took ds every week from 3

My dh gave up two hobbies and chose one to continue.
He compromises at work for drop off / pick up a bit less than me but on the other hand he’s more trapped in a job he dislikes than I am (I love my job and have autonomy).
We always shared the house stuff anyway.
His biggest sacrifice is also mine - time together.

No social life
Night feeds
Shortened working week, long days
Pays all bills and mortgage
No lie ins
Vasectomy
Barely any sex
Relentless days and nights (when he gets in from work)
Endless tidying and laundry
Works for me (unpaid) while I look after the kids or vice versa
Exhausted wife
Minimal time for hobbies (he finds time very late or very early so it doesn't make my life harder)
No gym

We're in this together and we both do our fair share as we both wanted a family and it makes more time and energy for us to enjoy our family together. Men can sacrifice just as much as women, they just often decide it's not required of them and women put up with it. He still drives me insane mind.

@Catsandbag we're coming from totally different perspectives on this because I don't see why your whole weekend needs to be dedicated to your adult sister's birthday? Why on earth would her birthday prevent you and your husband celebrating your birthday together?

He sacrificed the same amount of stuff as I did. But in addition still had to go out to work and shoulder the burden of being the sole financial provider, while I had more control of my day to day life.

There are plenty of decent guys out there.

There is only so much time in any weekend unfortunately due to other commitments... I work one weekend day every week, and both DCs have regular classes etc. To be able to do 2 things for birthdays would be quite indulgent really. We often go for dinner/ meet somewhere for my sister's birthday as she lives a 2 hour drive away and we don't see her often.
I moved away from my family so don't have many friends to spend time with either plus I have to look after the DCs as DP is away.

I do get that but if we are talking priorities, then maybe you don't go to your sister's do every year, and you arrange to do something else with her when you visit for your mum's birthday or even the weekend your DH is away.

I just think you're choosing to die on this hill, when actually if I was in your husband's shoes I'd not be happy at all.

There's another thread running at the moment about a man trying to emotionally manipulate his partner everytime she arranges to see her friends, and posters are rightly adamant that she is entitled to life of her own away from her partner. Now, maybe your DH spends ridiculous amounts of time on his hobby to the detriment of the family; if so that needs to change. But I would be getting him to compromise on the less significant events first than big finals.

Yes I agree with CalamityJane that you're being unreasonable over this birthday/final issue. Based on what you've told us, you need to let your resentment over this go.

Anyway, really interesting to read about what others have sacrificed and haven't. Also interesting to read the perception of 'prioritising' as opposed to sacrificing too. It seems to be in the mindset... feeling gifted with a family as opposed to feeling like sacrifices have had to be made to accommodate one.
I feel very lucky and blessed, but I think DP feels constrained and restricted.