What can I say or do?

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

Yesterday I had an argument with DP (he has been sneaking around for 18 months with his phone, lying and gaslighting and he finally confessed to a porn addiction) I told him I want out and I will find a rental (we joint own our home and are unmarried).

He has explicitly told me he will not allow me to take my son and move out and if I decide to stay then I can pay for half of all the bills. I work PT and already pay a lot of bills.

He has blamed me for his behaviour and said I have used him.

Basically I need to leave and he has shown me how difficult he will make it for me.

How am I going to do this? Also what can I say to wipe that smug, know it all look off his face?

Is he on the birth certificate?
You can tell him you will pay 1/2 the bills with the maintenance he pays you or he can arrange childcare and pay 1/2 to enable you to work full time

What a prick! Get some advice pronto and see where you stand / what you're entitled to. It may be they advicse you not to move out but if you do, he cant stop you. Do you have family you could stay with? As for blaming you, dont listen. He's just trying to shift his guilt onto you but he's the one who has done wrong

I don't care about the house I just want to move out but he's talking like he knows something, he seems to think he can stop me.
I've had enough, I can't live with the gaslighting and lies but I am stuck, it feels like I'm stuck here forever.

He can’t stop you physically leaving and if you have somewhere else to go I would advise asking anyone who can to come to your house and help you pack and leave (while he’s at work if you will be safe until then). Then I would contact womens aid, the council and seek legal advice.

I have nowhere to stay but he has many options as he's from the area. Yet refuses to leave, refuses to let me go with DC yet wants me to pay half of all bills. If I get a full time job I could lose my position as primary carer.
I am literally stuck!

I have signed up to the freedom programme, not sure if it's for me though.

Is there no friends or family that could put you up temporarily? Don't be afraid to reach out and speak up about his emotional abuse, it's him that should be ashamed not you.

As a last resort I'd call women's aid or your local domestic abuse service.

Go and get some solid legal advice and certainly don't believe a word he's saying. Many many women leave with their children, take full time jobs and retain residency of the children. He's trying to pull a fast one one you to maintain his control over you.

Definitely call Women's Aid and get in touch with a good solicitor. You need legal facts on your side if you want to wipe that look off his face.
How old are your dc? Are they aware?

First of all, do you think you could work together to help him get over his addiction? I know a porn addiction is crap, it makes you feel like crap, it causes him to have shitty behaviours, but can you move past it? I know you're hurting but there's a child involved. His addiction is no reflection on you, he can't help it, he needs help. I'm not saying it would be easy but it's worth consideration.

Are you unhappy in other areas of the relationship?

And if you are going to leave, get your ducks lined up in a row and keep your cards close to your chest.

If the house doesn't matter, just leave and stay somewhere with fam ect if possible until you find a new place to live. Get a lawyer to deal with him regarding the sale of the house. The less contact you have with him the better.

He doesn't get to tell you shit. He is a mentally disturbed headcase. And if you choose it, you can leave.

Oh and dont forget to cancel any bills in your name before you go. That way he will need to set up his own payment details.

Get advice from a solicitor and also look at what you would be entitled to as a single person. I didn't realise I was able to claim child and working tax credits whilst I was living with my ex (it took a while to buy a hosue) when we were split so although I didn't claim it for the first year, I was able to claim it for about 6 months before i moved out.

DC 9, not aware.

I can't get past the lying for 18 months and lengths he went to to make me look like it was all in my head.

The other problems I've had for years is everything has to be his way, we can't listen to our music without him pointing out how shit he thinks it is, or watch a TV programme without him moaning through it and make nasty comments about the people on the tele.
My eldest DC (who has left home) can't wear clothes without his negative opinions and gets the piss taken about choice of music.
I can't say anything without him disagreeing and putting across his opinion and making me feel like I know nothing, he shows off with his "knowledge" and thinks he's better than everyone else.

He goes out every night to his mates and has done for years and I've never stopped him, I've never had a problem with him going places or doing what he wants, but he's never invited me to anything.

He has only just started to help with the washing and pots and now he knows how to do it better than me , so no, I can't get past a porn addiction and the long term sneaking about and lying.

He's a bully but a victim, it's all been so subtle, even bullying when he's nice, because it's all done with smile on his face!
The comments he makes about people in front of DC are vile, he has no filter!

I have to leave but he will screw me over in any way he can, I'm terrified despite no physical violence.

I forgot to say, he blames me and makes excuses, so he's shown he's still not able to take full responsibility or recognise he's selfish.

He says I've been so hard to live with because of my depression but can't see that I'm depressed because of him and his behaviour.

He says he uses porn because I never gave him sex, well that is utter bollocks, the sex has been regular just not enough for him
He threatened to cheat on me because once a week wasn't enough for him, I was breast feeding my toddler at the time.

I've been called a cunt when he's got angry and then said I made him do it.

His apologies are so empty too, yesterday he said "sorry we crossed words", not sorry I goaded you and picked on you!

He makes my head spin and works me into a frenzy whilst being cool and eerily calm in an argument, he will confuse me and twist things to make me look insane and then calls me crazy.

He says I won't cope on my own and I'll destroy my DCs life.
It's making me feel overwhelmed and I don't know where to start with it all.
I have frozen and can't make a move.

If you hadnt been with him so long I would swear you are with my ex. I do feel for you I remember that 'I'm going mad' feeling very well.
My ex used to do all of the above. He used to goad and goad me, insulting me with a smile for hours upon hours, the constant digs, the continuous goading , the saying something horrible, usually starting with why do you do (insert action here) or why do you keep winding me up by (insert reason here) or why are you so (insert insult here). Then when I'd try to justify/excuse/apologise for my 'behaviour' he would deny it . I was always told I was too sensitive/crazy/irrational/emotional/hormonal/miserable. He would spend hours mocking me/twisting my words/shouting/calling me names/denying his insults while continuing to insult me then when I got to the point where I couldn't try reasoning with him anymore and broke down/started crying hed go deathly calm and tell me see I told you you were crazy. Once he realised I was opening up to my family about how I felt he even secretly messaged my son and sister and said he was so worried that I was going mad and I was unstable and needed help. Thankfully they recognised what was happening and supported and encouraged me to leave him.
Unfortunately once he realised I was waking up to his controlling/abusive/mentally draining treatment he stepped it up. The manipulation and emotional blackmail went through the roof and eventually he turned physical. He flipped one night, locked me in house and subjected me to physical attack that at points I didnt think I would survive. He loved the fact that I was petrified and he had complete power. I did escape and i did survive and i pressed charges and won the trial.
Although that night was terrifying it was the 18 months of complete mental torment that left the scars. I now know why people that leave abusive relationships suffer from PTSD, as it was complete mental warfare. It's taken 3 years, millions of panic attacks, months and months of night terrors and ten months of intensive trauma therapy to get me to where I stand today.
Please leave, swiftly and safely. Nothing is worth the mental damage that this will cause you and your children.

@ALittleBitConfused1 that's awful, what a bastard

My problem is he doesn't shout and he always has a soft tone of voice and is overly nice when he's not being horrible, but it's all designed to make me look like the hostile, unreasonable one in the relationship.

Little does he know that I have logged loads of stuff.