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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to get this off my chest

18 replies

Janeblogs12 · 21/02/2020 16:49

I found out my husband is gay & sleeping with many men on a dating app. We've 3 beautiful children. I don't know what to do. I've no one to talk to. I'm sick & heartbroken. He's the last person you would ever think of doing something like that. This news will kill his parents along with my own. And our friends. I'm a stay at home mam and have no money of my own. I just want him gone and to try move on but I know there will be alot of hurt and upset before that happens. Just needed to vent 😔

OP posts:
LouisaJenny · 21/02/2020 16:55

Oh OP, this is awful. How did you find out?

Be kind to yourself. Please get yourself tested for STIs as soon as you can.

Original poster
Janeblogs12 · 21/02/2020 16:58

Found stuff on his laptop but then found all the messages etc on his phone. I know that's my next step. 😔 .

OP posts:
IndieTara · 21/02/2020 17:02

Op have you spoken to him ?

Lunarlight · 21/02/2020 17:08

Oh Jane, how devastating! I'm so sorry! Not only has your H been cheating on you but lying to you about his sexual orientation. It must feel as if your whole marriage was a lie. Unless he's bi, of course, but he still needs to level with you and should have been faithful.

TBF, perhaps he didn't know how to tell you. Maybe he has been struggling with this for a long time. I think you need to confront him with what you have discovered and see what he has to say about it.

Original poster
Janeblogs12 · 21/02/2020 17:11

No but out of anger I've said a few things. He knows I know. In one of the messages I seen he was saying how I know & he didn't give a fuck. He's the nicest fella you'd ever meet so it's a massive shock that he's capable of doing such a thing. My main concern now is for the kids. I honestly don't know if I'd feel comfortable to hand them over to him if we did separate. He's clearly not right in the head . He's very close to his family but I honestly don't think they actually talk him after this. I'm not sure what mental state be would be in to look after them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janeblogs12 · 21/02/2020 17:14

Thanks for the advice. I have thought of talking to him many times but keep putting it off. I know this isn't going to go away and I should face up to it.

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 21/02/2020 17:15

His family are not your responsibility. You need to focus on yourself and your DCs

mamato3lads · 21/02/2020 17:17

As painful and deeply traumatic as this must undoubtedly be, you need to tell him you know and leave as soon as you practically are able. This will crush you otherwise I would imagine, it's too big a deal to ignore. X

needadvicethankyouplease · 21/02/2020 17:18

Look after yourself and book in for an STI check to make sure he's not passed anything to you. Maybe he's always lived a lie and it's a relief he's not anymore. Try and speak when the children are in bed and find a way forward. Sending hugs x

Original poster
Janeblogs12 · 21/02/2020 17:25

Thank you 😔

OP posts:
nicelyneurotic · 21/02/2020 19:29

Please speak to a solicitor before you do anything like leave the family home. Take screenshots of everything.

dontgobaconmyheart · 21/02/2020 19:48

So sorry OP and it won't be what you want to hear but you don't know him very well at all, not really. I'm sure your friends etc will get over it and it isn't going to 'kill' anyone- they'll be shocked yes, but everyone will eventually move on as they always do, quicker than you think.

Are you suggesting that the fact he is gay or bisexual makes him 'not right in the head' and unfit to see the children? If so that is a vile attitude and you are mistaken regardless of how hurt you might be.

Don't sleep with him,get a sexual health test as a matter of urgency and contact the relevant authorities about child maintenance payments and any benefits you are entitled to as a single mother. Unless you have evidence of abuse there is no reason he is not allowed access to his children. Being gay is not sufficient to deny a father access to his kids and that decision is not up to you. If there is a legitimate safeguarding issue, report it. I would also advise seeing your GP, OP, ask to be referred to a counsellor- this is a lot to deal with so no wonder you have been knocked for six.

Original poster
Janeblogs12 · 21/02/2020 20:05

The fact he's gay isn't the problem at all. I mean he's clearly not right in the head if he's able to leave the house and pretend he's going to the gym etc & sleeping with random men. And walks back in no problem to him. He's living a secret life.

OP posts:
Casino218 · 21/02/2020 20:33

But lots of men behave that way when having affairs. Women too. Gay or straight. He's just following the normal pattern of deceptive behaviour. That makes him untrustworthy but he's probably quite sane. Just a cheater.

Jade1976 · 21/02/2020 20:38

I think you should ask him to leave for now.

Sneezer · 21/02/2020 20:45

Oh you poor thing Flowers what a prick he is.

whydoihavetogothroughsomuch · 22/02/2020 23:25

I'm so sorry to hear this. However, you need to think of your health and get to a sexual health clinic ASAP Sad.

LouisaJenny · 24/02/2020 17:53

OP how are you?

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