Strained relationship with step son

[Mummy990]

Nc I don’t want to be outed nor do I want this linked to any of my other posts.

My stepson is of mid primary school age and I feel we have a strained relationship. How I feel at the moment is that nothing I do is good enough for him in comparison to what his own mother can do/does for him. My dp feels the same. We have a child together who is an infant and dp has another son from previous aside from dss1

I do not wish this to sound like a rant towards dss so apologises if it comes across but to name a few behaviours;

Dss ignores more or less everyone in the house apart from his dad, won’t interact with dss2 and will ignore ds. Dss2 is very loving as he is a toddler and will try and talk to dss1 but dss1 will ignore him and it gets on my goat as it’s rude and I feel awful for dss2.
Dss1 is picked up by me from school on occasion, I will meet him with a cheery face and voice ask him how his day has been/what’s he been up to at school/what he had for lunch/did he like it/ whqt does he want for dinner tomorrow - type of questions, he will say don’t know or can’t remember or he’s forgotten or just nod or shake his head. I try not to let my frustrations show but it’s starting to annoy me a bit now.

My dp thinks he’s depressed. I think he doesn’t want to be down here with us as at his mums he wants for nothing. Mum and her dp both have well paid jobs, go on expensive holidays, ALL clothing bought for their children is designer, you get the gist. Dp and I do not have the same income and plus have other children to also consider.

Dp is at the stage now where if dss1 has the face on, he’s falling over himself to make him happy by offering days out, weekly sporting activities (which is all met with a no) tried to match the designer clothes and trainers that he gets at home but (I know I’m going to sound like a bitch now) I do not want to buy him anything at all. His attitude stinks at home towards me and his siblings, he speaks to dp like crap and snubs anything he does get that is designer that isn’t deemed as good as what is at home and I don’t like the fact this behaviour is rewarded. Dss1 spends the entire weekend on the computer and has been known to cry in the past when it’s time to go to sleep or come off and have a break or if his sibling needs to go to bed (they share a room) I’ve told dp that he spends way too much time on the computer but dp won’t address as it makes dss1 happy.

I refuse to fall over myself to meet unrealistic expectations by a child. The food I make isn’t nice enough and will be left, the supermarket I go to, he doesn’t like the food from so will refuse teas. I feel like telling his mum to start sending him with food if it’s going to carry on, obviously I wouldn’t ever say that as it’s ridiculous but hate the fact that he’s being raised to be a snob.

Any ideas on what I can do? Or do I step back and let his dad deal with it.

It sounds terribly difficult. It also does seem extreme for a boy of what...8? To be ignoring everyone so consistently. That's quite unusual behaviour.

It's possible he's depressed...has your DP been able to discuss all this with DSS's mum? The ideal would be that the two of them work through this together...in the boy's best interests.

If they don't have a good relationship that's hard. The only advice I can give you is to love bomb him...SHOWER him with love, affection and attention.

He's very young still you know...8 is nothing. I know that when you have tiny children, 8 seems old...but it really isn't.

Poor kid.

Is dss2 his brother? Because from his point of view he's been displaced twice - once by dss2 and again by your ds. He probably does need a lot of 1:1 with his dad and a good deal of space from his baby brothers. Fussing and crying about coming off the computer is normal, but leaving him on there all weekend sounds isolating and neglectful.

Your job is to provide food. He can eat it, or not eat it, but try not to take it personally.

I doubt he's a snob. The "everything is better at home" attitude sounds more like a way of armouring himself against a second home where he seems neither liked nor wanted. Same with the ignoring. Dont ascribe adult motives to an 8 year old, he sounds desperately unhappy.

Not wanting to talk about school straight after school is 100% normal though. Try asking over the dinner table instead.

We have a child together who is an infant and dp has another son from previous aside from dss1

Plus a new stepdad?

Imagine how confusing this must be for him. No judgement, but I agree with your DP - he sounds unhappy and unsettled.

I find it hard to look after a toddler and an infant so although to do not object to dp going and playing computer games with him I do end up asking him to come down to help me with the kids. I have suggested that he goes on the computer for a few hours a day only and that dss come down for family time i.e movie night, play time - not only with his brothers but with dad too or even bring the computer down but it’s met with a no.

I disagree with that he needs to have space from his siblings, he has siblings at home so it’s not out of the ordinary and I wouldn’t want him to feel like he is being separated from them for a reason against him.

I have never said I don’t like or want him here or have I implied it.

Makes me sad that you agree that he is unhappy here 🙁 he’s just on sofa now on the tablet I asked him if he wants the tv on he said no. Barely spoken a word to me today. Maybe a suggestion of him and dad going to town tomorrow for a few treats might help then.

In no way was I writing that op maliciously against my dss. Genuinely do want him to be happy to come here.

Not talking much when leaving school is normal.

You do sound like you have far too high expectations of an eight year old.

His dad ultimately needs to parent, and he does need one to one time with his dad, might be an idea for his dad to take both his older two out to parks or for walks regularly so it also give you space.

With regards tea I would give him a choice of take it or leave it, but also try and involve him in making tea, so get him to help choose and help make tea with you. Would give you both quality time together.

I wouldn’t take the my house is much better than yours, attitude to heart. He’s a kid, he’s trying to cope with a difficult situation. He’s had a lot of changes and upheaval in his short life by the sounds of things.

And it’s also normal he finds is toddler brother annoying. The toddler is going to find your dc annoying when he’s a bit older. It’s normal.

It's good you want him to be happy. Clearly at the moment he isn't though.

Are his siblings at home older or younger? All children need 1 to 1 time with their parents - and if he doesnt get that with his dad when he's with you, when will he get it. Not on the computer though, what about out and about doing things suitable for his age. Not for the whole weekend either, just for an hour or two. Something that just the 2 of them share.

We will have to brain storm something for just them two to do on a Saturday day time and make it an every week type of occurrence.

I suppose the only 1:1 they get is when they are playing on the computer. They will go for the odd day out either to sporting events or somewhere with dad and his friends and their kids