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Original poster

Advice needed on letting go of the past

15 replies

stuckinpast · 03/10/2004 15:20

OK. This is going to sound really silly. When I was 14/15 I had my first serious boyfriend. We were going to run away together to Greta etc. He dumped me after 7 months because we were getting too serious and he wanted experience with other girls.

With me so far? Please bear with me. Over the next 5 years he kept coming back- turning up at my house unexpectedly (& really p-ing off the later boyfs who were often there at the time!). When I got married we carried on writing to each other & the last letter he sent me (more than a year after my wedding) said "I still love you".

The following year, the birthday card & letter I sent him (which said I was finally pregnant- by my DH- after years of trying) was returned to me, with a letter not in his writing saying he was engaged, very happy & didn't want anything more to do with me. There was no surname on the letter, suggesting it wasn't him who sent it. I was really upset, as was DH who read the letter. (He was all for going down there & sorting him out).

I traced him in 2000 & wrote with a brief update on my family, mentioning that this letter had been returned. No response. I'm not daft & got the message that he obviously didn't want to know. BUT it's still bugging me though. I'm very tempted to write again & ask why when he was the one who wouldn't let go, he just cut me off like that.

I am happily (for the most part) married to the same man and I have children. I don't want to start up a relationship with him. I'm not interested in being pen pals or meeting up. I just want closure (as the Americans say) so that I can put it behind me.

If anyone has managed to stay with this to this point, what do you think. Bad idea? (I don't know his family circumstances other than he was divorced 6 years ago after a very brief marriage).

OP posts:

cp3 · 03/10/2004 15:24

I can understand the feeling of you wanting closure, i have one of those too but it will happen when and if i bump into him. I think it would do more harm than good to relationship with your husband at home if you were to pursue your ex. Let him go and look to the future. If you should cross paths accidently then go for your closure then

essbee · 03/10/2004 15:27

Message withdrawn

Skate · 03/10/2004 15:28

I can see why you want to 'close the book' on this, understand what happened and move on, but I wouldn't pursue it either. Particuarly as you could get really caught up in it all and what effect would that have on your current relationship??

My advice would also be to let it go and get on with your life, which sounds happy to me.

marthamoo · 03/10/2004 15:33

Let it go.

Sometimes, hard as it is, you have to accept that the only closure you can get is that of your own making. I spent years thinking about an ex -bf (the ex - bf) and wishing I could sit down and say all the things to him I wanted to say, and get some kind of explanation from him as to why he behaved the way he did. He recently appeared on friendsreunited (married, 2 kids, like me) and has moved to my town. I can honestly say I don't need closure any more - I don't want to see him, and I have moved on. It took me about ten years to get to that stage in my life though...

Meeting him again would just be stirring up the past - and who's to say he would even have a good reason for what happened (or tell you the truth)?

lou33 · 03/10/2004 15:37

I think it's best to leave it. If he wanted to explain to you he had plenty of chances, but he didn't , and I think by tracking him down again, you leave yourself open to more upset, and possibly come away with the feeling that you have more questions than answers.

It was a long time ago,I think you have to let it go now.

If I was your dh , it would concern me as to why you felt this need to bring him back into your life as well.

Good luck though.

jampot · 03/10/2004 16:00

I would agree in letting go too - is it just the "last word" you want. After all you put up with him for years popping up whenever he felt like it only to snub you when he too settles down. Deal with it if your paths cross in the future and until then don;t do anything .

ripley · 03/10/2004 17:42

I did this with my first boyfriend. We had the same circle of friends so even after we broke up saw each other all the time as freinds. I moved to the other side of the world on a whim and met my dh and got married and pregnant two months later. I had phoned him and wrote to him until a couple of months into my marriage, when I wrote him a similar letter that you received from your ex.

I could see that his presence was upsetting to my dh, even though it was only in writing and on the phone, so that was the main reason I cut off contact. It was also because I felt like I needed a clean break from the past and I can honestly say I haven't regretted it. Of course I wonder what he is doing in his life but I would never in a million years get back in contact with him and if he contacted me I would ignore it.

I think the only closure you can get is to say to yourself 'it's over, it's the past'. It's just a chapter in your life that is finished and any contact you have with him would probably be an anti-climax.

Suzytee · 03/10/2004 18:09

Let it go. It is the past . Making contact is risky as you may find that you really still fancy the guy and opt for an affair ! Life can get boring but you must protect your relationship with your dh at all costs ..how would you feel if it was him trying to find "closure" with an ex girlfriend ? Would you not resent the fact that he was putting so much effort into THINKING about her ..I'm sure you would .. If the guy loved you he'd be with you right now and that is the bottom line ..

jasper · 03/10/2004 22:13

please let it go.
I had closure type conversations with my exhusband till they were coming out my ears and it STILL felt as painful as hell.
Closure is all inside your head.

It's an attitude.
If you ever learn how to do it please tell me.

It still hurts like hell ten years and three kids down the line.

MeanBean · 03/10/2004 22:22

I agree with everyone else - let it go. As Jasper says, it's in your head - you are in control of whether you get closure or not, and it's nothing to do with whether you meet him and get answers to your questions. It's to do with when you decide you just don't care about it anymore, because you're busy living your life.

unicorn · 03/10/2004 22:23

I don't understand why you need this 'closure' now?
Sorry if I am totally on the wrong track, but are disatisfied with your lot at the moment?

Sometimes the grass is so much greener etc, and especially if you have never felt that first 'love of life' relationship was never properly ended...
but why are you raking up the embers now..? Perhaps that is the issue rather than ex bf?

sallystrawberry · 03/10/2004 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuckToo · 04/10/2004 14:29

Sorry am coming to this thread a bit late but just want to say you've really struck a chord with me. Your situation is very similar to mine. Broke up with an ex several years ago, wrong decision, never got 'closure' as you say. We've been back and forward loads of times (although nothing's ever actually happened - just talking) and it has driven both of us crazy over the years, I think. Lots of hurt pride and fear of getting involved again, etc. We've both been in other relationships but are both now single. I finally told him I still loved him (after some very very strong signals from him - I'm not a complete masochist!), and he has blanked me since.

I know I've got to let it go. I'm trying really hard because it has the potential to really screw me up if I don't. But it's his birthday next week and I so want to contact him, just to say 'hello'. It's so difficult, but I have to move on, and so do you. Sorry this is a ramble - you have touched a nerve! As Marthmoo says, make your own closure.

Tortington · 04/10/2004 15:50

i would examine the reasons for wanting to contact him. and what if you did and he still "loved you" then what? ithink you would be taking the lid of a can of worms which would either be sadness that he is a wanker or whatever may happen if he wants to still whisk you away to gretna

letters to an ex, whilst still married seems odd to me -sorry

Original poster

stuckinpast · 04/10/2004 22:05

Well that was pretty unanimous! You are all right of course and I must fight the urge to contact him. I hadn't thought about the Stalker aspect.

Sallystrawberry, of course it's probably to do with wanting the fun of being a teenager as you say.

I don't know why it's feeling bad now. I've hung on to this for so many years. My DS is now 15. Perhaps that is it? My life can be pretty boring and maybe it is just the grass always being greener.

If anyone has any tips on HOW to go about moving on, please tell me!

OP posts:

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