Guardian article - Over half of UK women killed by men die at hands of partner or ex

[arboretum89]

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/feb/20/over-half-of-uk-women-killed-by-men-die-hands-current-ex-partner?CMP=fbgu&utmmmedium=Social&utmsource=Facebook#Echobox=1582193612

This is a bit of an eye-opener, and a reason why women should sometimes exercise caution when leaving an abusive partner.

"Why doesn't she leave?!"

Yeah, that's why.

Police, cafcass, family court, domestic violence charities really don't want to know. That's the truth. What they all want is for the abused woman to accept mutual responsibility and of course ALL the responsibility to coparent with a dangerous, angry nut. Any failure to coparent = blame equally apportioned. Any allegations of domestic abuse and abuse against the children = she's lying and troublemaking. Family court aren't remotely interested in abuse of the wife if not witnessed by the children. That's apparently fine. 50/50 custody is the presumption. Police arent interested until hes beaten you bloody or already killed you (they won't action rape - but they will confiscate the victim's phone, no matter how irrelevant to the actual crime).

And yet! A women who chooses to stay in a DV relationship is considered an abuser of her children and threatened by social services with losing them.

It's always the women who are blamed and seldom the women who are helped.

Women who know they are at high risk of murder (and even their children) are ignored by all, including their own friends and family - who default to assuming that she's hystercial there's a loaded word.

This is why women stay.

How dare you accuse domestic abuse charities of not wanting to know. They are often staffed by volunteers who have been abused themselves.

They often work long hours and go above and beyond to help women escaping abuse. When the Tories came into power they cut funding to refuges and domestic abuse services by a third. Those remaining are working as hard as they can in very trying circumstances trying to save lives.

I said nothing about the volunteers.

I'm speaking from my own experience. And it wasnt great. I was on my own.

Domestic Abuse Charities are made up of paid staff and volunteers. They're running on hardly any funding because the government has slashed funding. They are doing the best they can under extremely difficult circumstances, often on the generosity of people who have been abused.

I'm sorry to hear of your individual experience but unfortunately, when you have a government that doesn't see domestic abuse as important, that's the kind of service you're going to get. These organisation save women's lives everyday.

Why don't you focus your discontent on the murdering men, rather than policing the opinion of one abused ex wife on the internet? Hmmm?

It should be an eye opener at how our government are sacrificing women and how our society accepts the abuse of women.
There is not the investment in the services and more women now die but the male politicians don’t care

Are you really playing that card? Don't write opinions on a public forum if you don't want criticism. You tarred a whole service based on your experience. You're being picked up on that.

Why don't you volunteer at your local DV service and show them how it's done?

Refuge started because women were running out onto the street, babes in arms with the clothes on their backs. Some of them without shoes. They had nowhere to go. A feminist organisation took over some squats in West London and that became the first refuges for women. This was during a time when it wasn't a crime but a 'domestic' and police turned a blind eye. The 'nagging' excuse was a viable murder defence and rape was legal in marriage.

It was feminist organisations that fought for properly funded refuges and domestic abuse helplines. These are being stripped to the bone and refuges are like gold dust in some areas.

Noted.

And thank you for your service 12345kbm. No doubt you make an empathetic volunteer.

No problem at all. I'm glad I could educate you. Please PM and I'll pass on your details to your local DV organisation. I'm sure they could use your help and experience.

WTF please stop having a go at a woman who has shared her experiences.

Women are always told they aren't allowed an opinion on things that affect them.

We'll have a police officer on in a mo saying not fair to criticise them either.

OP hope you're prepared to join the police as well if you want to have an opinion

And WTF at you asking her to share her personal details.

Really dodgy.

Great explanation picsinred

Oh come on! Bigger picture people. Get the broader point picsinred was making.

It seems that no one can start a thread on MN about men murdering women without another poster immediately missing the point and derailing it!

I left my abisive ex and was looked after really well

But we were armed forces who had their own system. Our hostel was fab! But FULL of army/navy/raf wives and kids

Took me a while to take the help but it was there from day one. We had our own little flat in. Large purpose built hostel and we were all helped to be rehoused with our ex partners regiments giving us money for carpets/furniture

Why was it that good? MONEY!!! The armed forces have ssaafa and British legion women’s section as well as the forces themselves,all invested

This is what we need, but it all boils down to money

Just because an organisation is run/staffed by volunteers does not mean it should be beyond criticism or evaluation. That's poor governance.

Survivors who haven't recovered fully or who can't understand/empathise with women whose experiences are different to their own can cause huge problems no matter how good their intentions. It's a known issue in the DV sector and it shouldn't be swept under the carpet.

Limited resources and limited understanding by services and society at large tends to mean everything is poured into getting a woman to leave and then she falls into a black hole after leaving, when actually her need for support and assistance may be at its greatest for some time. The job is far from done the moment a woman leaves, but too many people/services act like it is (and are then surprised when she goes back).

I appreciate the hard work of staff and volunteers at domestic abuse charities, and it's shameful that funding has been cut so much. Definitely something that all of us should be writing to our MP about.

I think there's value in hearing criticism, too, however unfair it might seem; criticism can be a valuable tool for learning where things need to improve. PicsInRed's frustration with existing services, based on her own experience, expresses what it feels like to some people who use these services. Though it sounds like most of it is around family court, cafcass, police, etc., is that right? There's a tremendous problem in that these services are often used by abusers as yet another way to abuse their ex partners and children.

I found my local Women's Aid to be helpful when I turned to them, but I only needed minor advice and support. I've been fortunate enough to avoid the other agencies mentioned.