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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do people who love you say mean things

5 replies

inicecoldblood · 21/02/2020 08:37

Why do people who say they love and care for us say mean things? Not out of retaliation. I'm talking more partners.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 21/02/2020 08:48

What did he say?

Lhia29 · 21/02/2020 08:53

Because they're toxic or abusive. Some people can love a person but still feel entitled to treat them like shit. Hope you're OK.

Letseatgrandma · 21/02/2020 08:58

What sort of things?

It could be because they are angry/upset about something you’ve done/something else and are unfairly snapping.

Kirkman · 21/02/2020 09:00

Hundreds of reasons. They dont really love you, they have something going on and lost all empathy, they have their own issues, they have never seen a healthier relationship (right from childhoof) and think its normal, they are bastards, they want to break you down, they enjoy you being hurt.....the list goes on and on.

When I first met DP we had a brief fling during a disagreement he threw some names around. I wasnt having it. Over the next few years, he went for counselling.

He grew up in a house where name calling was entirely normal. As was hitting eachother. His mum left and the his dad got remarried and his dad and step mum were the same. Dp then got married which was an unhappy marriage where both of them did the same. It wasnt until he had extensive counselling that he realised it wasnt normal and he hated it. We stayed friends and we did get back together. He is still in counselling and has never done it again . It was like he genuinely didnt know you can disagree or even argue without both parties being as horrible to eachother as possible and seeing who can throw the worst insult.

I think when I didnt respond, during the first disagreement, in kind and ended it, it shocked him. His sister agreed with me and told him he needed to sort himself out. She had counselling previously which had helped her. He even says now he didnt realise romantic relationships could be so calm.

It's very sad. However, whatever the reasons are, no matter how understandable they are....you dint have to out up with it. Dp knows, if it happens again he is gone. I wont be insulted by the person who is always meant have my back. If he dislikes something I do, we talk about it. No name calling, no deliberately trying to hurt each other. And we do the same when he pisses me off. Grin

W78654 · 21/02/2020 09:01

Sometimes people just snap at the person closest to them. Relationships are not perfect 100% of the time. You can still love somebody but be incredibly pissed off with them.

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