Married for almost 22yrs, happy and started out as a team effort marriage. I stopped working for the kids, whilst supporting and aiding his career. He said he could work better and longer hours knowing his kids were looked after by me.
Almost two years ago due to staff issues and as manager he started covering two roles. That’s when our relationship massively deteriorated.
A colleague, female, supported him, their working relationship became an intense friendship. She arranged an unofficial xmas overnight trip, my husband didn’t ‘sort’ a hotel in time so said he would share with her. It was him, her and a male colleague and wife going. At this point I calmly expressed my concern and discomfort at it all. He offered no reassurance and 4 days later I had a ‘lively’ text from her which told me she’d canx the trip - I aired it. This apparently caused her husband to beat her.
Since then my husband has canx our family NYE plans to go drinking with her, the male colleague and spouse. Delayed our Valentines date night as despite knowing he was leaving early. she turned up late to a meeting at work scheduled with him. Lied to me, moved to Snapchat messaging, flapped around her inside and out of work - she is allegedly a victim of domestic violence. Texts checking she’s ok, has she arrived safely when driving somewhere etc etc. At points I have urged him to keep it professional as so many red flags, including fellow colleague gossip. Unashamedly told me she stays cos there’s nothing in it.
All this left me so frustrated I could see how it looked from several angles and it wasn’t good. I was feeling totally worthless, neglected and effectively a pa/housekeeper and not a wife. His mindset was totally fixed.
During the months and months of this going on I kept asking for openness and honesty to help me understand but he kept elements of it secret....flowers for working hard, late evening Costas etc. He threatened to leave often.
She left the company last April but contact was maintained. 4/5 months later he also left the company. Contact was still maintained. Fun run commitment held. Her birthday was honoured, and her son’s. He even wanted to get her a present on her son’s birthday so she didn’t feel left out....something I am not blessed with when it’s our children’s.
I tried to accommodate this ‘friendship’ which was now down to more text/calls than 1:1. However every opportunity 1:1s were being suggested. Then she severed contact end of October - she said that I was disrespecting him and their friendship would have to be stopped. The message clearly demonstrated the depths of their conversations and was vile towards me. What she’d been told wasn’t quite the truth it was light on detail.
He has now started a new job but coupled with a new gym membership is home for an hour each day. I said I still wasn’t happy at the neglect and lack of priority shown to me/us. Yet the totally selfishness of prioritising himself 24/7. I also probed as something wasn’t right - they’ve been back in contact but although still innocent, in his wisdom he deleted all traces and lied... until I asked for about the 4th time. I knew something was off balance. He said he’s leaving....temporarily but taken everything.
On the day of leaving we went to watch our son’s football, he spoke about how much money I would get in % terms, told me I’d be snapped up. Said lying to me was easier than being honest. And all I have ever asked for is honesty. Upset I walked off in to the unknown in another county. I took 2 buses and a train home and he didn’t bat an eyelid.
Nearly two weeks separated now and he has told a mutual friend he loves me, misses me. He is speaking and making arrangements direct with the kids. Texts have been mainly business like from me to him - he does respond but is stalling on dealing with things.
In a text 3 days ago he said he missed me and loved me and indicated a change in mindset. A text last night laid out his feelings....forget going over old ground move forward, learn to love each other again. However, I need to make some offers to him... don’t know what they are. No mention of what he is offering to me either.....do/should I or can I even go back?