DP's mum let slip that his ex might be going to a gig with him, help!

[Fluffybunniemummy]

Ok sorry this is pretty longwinded, please bear with me....

Been seeing DP for nearly a year. Planning on moving in with him in the next 6-12 months. It involves me relocating so we're taking our time and are making sure we do things right.

I've had no doubts about him or our relationship up until about 12 hrs ago. He looks after me very well and I feel very loved.

He's had 2 previous serious relationships like me. His last girlfriend (C) was asexual, very anxious and needed him around her all the time. They got a house after being together for 2 years and it all went very wrong very quickly and they parted ways and never spoke again. This was 18 months ago.

I'm close to DP's mum and she admitted a few months into my relationship with DP that she's still in touch with C as she became quite close to her and helped her to move out when her and DP broke up. She just checks in on C occasionally as she has no family nearby. I said I have no issues with that and that it's nice she's looking out for her. She told me that they never discuss DP and C hasn't spoken to DP since they separated.

Anyway today DP's mum gave me a lift to the train station and we were chatting about a music gig DP was going to that night with one of his closest friends (P). DP's mum was commenting on how nice it was that I'm so relaxed and don't mind DP going to gigs without me. She then added "especially as C is going". I was immediately very shocked and she was upset saying she thought I must have known.

She then told me that P has been seeing C. (As far as I know DP doesn't know this.) She then said they'd split up at Christmas but had agreed to still attend the gig together with DP. C had told all this to DP's mother over the phone.

At no point has DP mentioned his ex was going and I told his mum this. She replied that maybe DP didn't know and begged me not to say anything to him. She dropped me off and I got on my train with my mind going mad.

I sent DP a light hearted message saying I hoped he was going to have fun and said "is it just you and P going?". DP replied saying he thought his friend Si was coming too and that P was having a really tough time.

I replied saying "Your mum has just told me he split from his girlfriend recently, poor bloke" and DP replied saying he didn't even know he had a girlfriend.

Shortly after this his mother phoned me in tears begging me not to say anything about what she had said to DP. She said DP would be really upset if he knew she was talking to C. DP and his mum have a very strained relationship already as he finds her very overbearing. I told her that I'm feeling really uncomfortable but tried to reassure her best as I could.

I've been left feeling utterly sick because:

1. I now know a possible secret being kept from DP - if his mate has been dating his ex and he didn't know and I don't want to have any secrets that I'm keeping from him.

1. I knew DP's ex might attend the gig and I didn't tell DP and I'm scared of how he must have felt if he turned up and she was there. And that I didn't tell him and how angry he'll be if he finds out I knew.

1. I don't know if the ex was there tonight but if she was then DP hasn't told me and that scares me. But equally I don't want to confront him and look like I'm being paranoid. I've always trusted him but suddenly there's this little niggle in the back of my head scaring me that he's keeping something from me.

I feel like I need to be open and honest and tell him what's happened and what his mother has said to me but I know he will be really cross with her and she begged me not to tell him. I feel like I'm caught between them. I'm also terrified of coming across like I'm accusing him of doing something with C. But equally not telling him is making me feel sick as I feel like I'm not being honest with him.

I feel like it's a conversation I need to have with him face to face but I'm not seeing him till Monday now and I think I'm going to go mad in that time.

To make matters worse DP has gone uncharacteristically quiet since the gig started. Usually he'll text me a few times but tonight nothing. This is sending my brain into overdrive. It's now finished and still no text. I know this probably doesn't sound like a big deal but he's been to about 10 gigs since we've been going out and always texts me at some point. For him to suddenly go quiet at a gig that his ex might be attending feels like too much of a coincidence and it's making me so anxious. Actually he hasn't even replied to the last message I sent him which is even more uncharacteristic so now I'm really worried.

I've no idea what to do next or how to handle this.

tell your partner everything .. would I fook hide all this bullshit to save some exes feelings.. sack that

Do you really want to have these type of secrets in your life? Remember it all eventually comes out.

I fully agree with @BumbleBeee69 tell him everything, you owe her nothing and besides she could of been saying that knowing full well he doesn't know and she knows C is going with still being in contact. She sounds very manipulative

Also maybe she is wanting C and him to get back together. I would call him now or text him and say to him you need to talk about something his mum has told you

Your relationship is first and foremost with your partner. You say it is going well.

It won’t go well if you have to lie to him to cover up for someone else’s lies or omissions.

Just be truthful. Tell him. And tell his mum that he is your priority and honesty is important to the pair of you.

You should have just asked him outright as soon as his mother opened her trap

Now you have tied yourself up in knots because of your ridiculous procrastinating

It's not too late to act like a grown up. Have an actual conversation with him.

So loads of people now feel awkward because all they wanted to do was watch a band they all like and got tickets but people's hang ups about who people are and aren't allowed to be in contact with have collided.

He's been with a friend who has had to have a relationship he wasn't able to talk to him about but that has ended and that person is at the gig knowing she has had a relationship with two other people who both know each other but weren't able to talk about it and now the crux is that someone else is worried about relationships that are nothing to do with them. If I was him, I'd be quiet too, must be an awful position to be in thinking no matter what you do you get to piss someone off and maybe lots of people

Not least because he potentially had no idea an ex girlfriend was going but someone has asked explicitly who he is there with even if he had no idea the other person was due to be there but now it is made to look like he's gone to a gig with his ex girlfriend deliberately

Well his mum is a shit stirrer isnt she! He knows exactly what she is doing.

Ask him tomorrow what it was like and who else went etc.

Stop. Breathe. Be a grown up.

Message him now saying something like hope you are OK, your mum told me C would be there, hope it isn't too awkward, let me know how you are x

Tbh, it sounds to me like his mum is messing with you.

Maybe his mother gave you the heads up deliberately and regretted it afterwards. She has no right to ask you not to say anything though, as wondering if your dp has lied to you, will cause anxiety, stress and pain. You deserve to be able to get the truth and make a decision about your relationship based on it.
Another point is that if your partners mum talks to C regularly, she will know whether C went this evening. So I’d say that it’s probably true.
One last thing is, mum might be trying to find a way of getting son and C back together if she tends to be interfering and likes C that much, but perhaps doesn’t want to get into trouble whilst doing it.

I can see why things are strained with his mum!
She’s staying in touch with his ex behind his back and now shit stirring with you!
I’d give him a call tomorrow and be honest about what was said and you need to disentangle yourself from his mum, I don’t understand how you get on great with her yet your bf doesn’t, very odd.

Give over, JK. Family relationships are complex, it's quite possible op can get on with DP's mum and that DP has a strained relationship with her - she's his mother! Not uncommon for relationships to be strained with a parent/s. Plus she's very probably not an out-and-out baddie, either. What is 'overbearing' for some is bog standard for another.

I read it that DP's mum keeps in touch with C because C is a vulnerable type and DP's mum was keeping an eye out for C. That's how I understood your op, op. Not manipulative at all in that context.

Bit jarring she rang you in tears though. But if her relationship with her son is strained I can imagine she is probably afraid to upset him/further damage the relationship.

You have to talk to him though, straight out. The issue btw is he went to a gig with C, not that his mother accidentally told you. Don't get sidetracked from the central issue.

I sorry, this must be really uncomfortable for you. As hard as it might be, I think you have to have a discussion with him.

1. You're right to want to share. Secrets fester and cause doubt in a relationship. Your first loyalty should each be to one another, even at the risk of his mother being angry that you told.

1. You should make sure he's okay, but leave that for the end of your discussion. After you've talked to him about the rest of it, you can let him know that you were concerned for his feelings. Let him tell you what happened before you tell him you were afraid he'd be hurt by seeing her there. You can then express your concern without seeming jealous. (It doesn't sound like he's done anything questionable but you'll know more about that after talking.)I

1. If he hasn't told you, it may be that he was thrown by it and hasn't decided if, what, or how to tell you. You know how that feels, as you're in a similar position. Even if he knew in advance, he may have worried about damaging his relationship with you.

Since you're not supposed to see him until Monday, I think I'd text him soon, and tell him you want to talk to him. That you need to see him in person, either tonight or tomorrow. Meeting face-to-face is essential when you have a conversation like this. You need to see his expression, and he needs to see yours. Honest reactions will go a long way to removing doubt.

Once you've arranged to see him, you have to make a choice concerning his mother. You can tell her in advance that you're going to talk to him. That you wanted her to know because you respect her and want to give her a chance to be prepared, but that you love him too much to hide things from him. Or you can tell him first, but then let her know that you did and why. I know your bf may be angry with his mother, but hopefully he loves her and won't stay mad, especially if he realizes she wasn't trying to cause problems between you. Tell her that. Even if she's upset with you, hopefully she'll appreciate how much you care about her son. And if she doesn't, at least you'll have done the right thing by your boyfriend and your relationship.

As for your bf going silent, there's a chance he knew about C going to the gig, but more likely he found out when she arrived. And doesn't know how to tell you. When discussing this with him, keep in mind that may be the only reason he didn't tell you yet. He may have needed time to process this, and he may even be relieved to find out you know as he didn't want secrets between you either.

None of this is your fault. You had this mess dumped in your lap and now you have to deal with it one way or another. If you don't tell him, it will cause damage to your relationship. Even if he never knows, you will. And you'll always be worried he might find out some day. If his mother can't handle the guilt, she may end up telling him herself. It might seem to him that you colluded with his mother by not telling him, and it could damage his feelings for you.

By telling him, you're showing him he can trust you. Start with the honest truth, that you don't want to keep secrets from him but it happened so quickly and you weren't sure how to tell him without hurting both him and his mother, or without making him feel you didn't trust him. That you love and respect him too much to hide things from him.

I hope it turns out that he didn't know ahead of time and that the reason he got quiet was worry over hurting you or losing you. I hope this strengthens your relationship as you realize you truly have each other's back. I hope it brings reassurance that you can confide in each other safely and that it inspires well-placed trust.

You have this opportunity now; don't wait until it's too late to talk about it without looking like you're part of the problem. You're not; give him the opportunity to see that. And maybe encourage him to be gentle with his mother.

His mum is the problem here and you need to be really careful and think carefully if you actually want to be involved with a family that includes somebody like her. It’s a life full of shit and drama ahead of you. Seriously. You’ve been warned. My ex had a mother like this and it ruined our relationship and my mental health. It was always drama. No boundaries. Over stepping. Weird over involvement. You’ve got that going on now in spades. Why does she even know anything about the gig? It’s not her rodeo and she’s too involved. I’ve had one of these and I would never ever date somebody with a mother like this again. Don’t say anything to your DP about the gig at all beyond “hope you had fun”. That’s it. Then take time and think about if you can poke up with shit like this constantly for the rest of your life.

Are you sure his others relationships didn't end because of silly game playing by his mum and "secrets" being spilled? I am now officially an old person because I would just walk away to be honest, all I would see is a lifetime of this if the relationship continued.

Jesus, how was his mum able to drive with that giant spoon she was wielding? What a stirrer.
My MIL is like this with BIL and SIL. She enjoys the drama - it’s like a soap opera to her. She doesn’t twig that it’s real life and real feelings.

Trust your DP, trust there’s a reason that he has a strained relationship with his mum, lay it all out calmly for him and explain how the whole thing made you feel.

Your DP's mum is Pam. Talk to him, don't get sidetracked by the drama.

She's a stirrer and she's not on your side - distance yourself.

But before any of that, the main thing I'd want to know is if your DP would volunteer the information that she was there.

So I'd give it 24 hours or so, and I'd ask him how the gig went and ask if all ok, he's been unsually quiet/ did it not go well? You usually text me, why not? etc. Just to see...

Then if nothing I'd be totally honest with him over what his mum said and ask if the ex was there and what the deal was. Don't worry about annoying his mum - you should kick her into touch anyway.

But. If he ends up saying yes, she was there - I'd be asking straight why he didn't feel he could tell you this and listening very closely to that explanation.

What a drama.
Do you really want to be involved with this?
It will continue. Why is his mum getting so involved and calling you crying?
Way too much. Distance yourself from her/it before you are dragged into it all.

I'd be gone.
Not the fact he went to the gig with her but the fact he lied and then is making minimal contact with you.
I wouldn't move in with him, id run for the hills.

Seems like a lot of fussing and handwringing over not much at all.

Give him a chance to tell you after the gig. He may genuinely not have known she was going.
His dm however is a shit stirrer and wants rid of you.

That ex girlfriend doesn't seem to be so asexual, anxious and needy anymore, does she?

Don't have kids into this family, OP. You'll bitterly regret it.

@Fluffybunniemummy - you can run but you can't hide! Do not ignore what is going on here. What a conniving manipulating bitch his mother is! No wonder he doesn't have a good relationship with his mother! Didn't you ever question it? Give him a chance, maybe. But I think the damage is done. Get out. Tell him why.