How much did you want to know about the affair?

[Sadolmeee]

My DH had an affair. We are taking baby steps to rebuild.
We’ve not really discussed the affair that much but it feels like the elephant in the room. I’m not sure how much I want to know and whether it’s best knowing or not.

Those in similar situations, what did you do? How much did you want to know? How did it make you feel ? Do you wish you didn’t know it all ?

Also, I don’t need to hear tons of reason why I shouldn’t give him the time of day, but thank you :)

I decided I didn't want to know but we also decided not to stay together . People came out of the woodwork desperate to tell me the grisly details but the fact that he had done it was enough for me and I decided that knowing anything else would did only hurt me more .
Two years later and I am still glad I made that choice . I might have felt differently if I had stayed with him though.
Sorry to hear you are going through this too.

Thanks for your reply @Pippioddstocking
If I didn’t want to get back with him then I also wouldn’t want to know, but I feel that as we are attempting to rebuild that I should know. I don’t want to know everything but I’m conscious if I don’t ask/know some stuff then it may just fester

I’m going through exactly the same as you. I found out 2 months ago. I wanted to know how long the affair went on for, why he did it, if he was ever planning on leaving me. Can’t think of anything else but will add it if I do. So sorry you’re going through this, I know exactly how you feel

@h3lpme sorry to hear your also going through this
I already know when it started and how, why he did it and he did leave me..we are currently separated. But I’m unsure what else I want to know. Guess I really want to know why it ended and how
Are you still together ? How long was he cheating ?

It will eat you up. If you dont know the truth you'll make up a version of it in your head anyway. Ask all you need to ask, get it out of your system, make him explain. He has done a horrific thing to you. However be prepared for lies, him minimising, only telling you the very least he can get away with etc etc. Its hard to find peace either way. Not knowing will eat you up and occupy your thoughts and you'll never fully heal. Knowing will hurt like hell and may possibly make it impossible to stay.

How awful hes done this. Good luck x

Thanks @mamato3lads
It’s been over 3 months now and to be honest I seem to be doing ok with it, there’s not loads that I want to know.

Does he want to get back together? It ended because I found out it went on for about 2 months.

Even when someone is begging you it’s so so hard to even consider trying to get over it and move on together. I honestly think it must be easier to just split up and move on.

First time I didn't ask much, second time we ended up separating. Maybe if I'd have known more first time I'd have spotted the warning signs earlier the second time however in the end it made no difference we separated (16 years ago now) and it was the right thing to do - I didn't need to ask second time around because our relationship was over.

I wanted to know her name, how long it had been going on, and if she had ever been to our house. We stayed together afterwards, but any residual love or affection totally evaporated. We struggled on a few more years, but it was awful, and i was glad when he left for good five years ago.

When DH and I discussed his affair I think I was quite lucky in that my emotions seemed to turn off while we discussed it.
I asked, very clinically, all the details I wanted to know and he (to his credit) answered honestly and without excuses.

I found out every detail you could imagine.

Once he'd told me I asked no more and don't think there's anything else I need to know. It did help me put it in the past because I've not found myself asking lingering questions about what went on.

That was about 18 months ago and we're still fragile at times but mostly moving forward together.

I needed to know every single tiny detail. He kept hiding information which I would then discover and it was like death by a thousand cuts. Once you know it, you can never un-know it.

I wouldn’t want to know but it would eat me up but I’d want to know every detail but it would hurt me so much. I’m the type to obsess over it and over think it. I’d probably start comparing myself to this woman and it would do some serious damage to my self esteem.

It’s a tough one, not be told and always wonder or be told and be destroyed.

I’d probably say the only way you’ll know if the relationship can come back from it is to be told everything And see if you can deal with it. I have read posts from other MN users were they have found out details of a partners affairs years after the fact and now deliberating if they can continue the relationship.

I think if I was planning to rebuild I would want to know everything. A) because you don’t want to spend the next few years wondering about stuff or worse asking ‘ just one more thing...?’ For the next 5 years, b) it’s great that you want to rebuild but early to make that call without knowing it all and then asking yourself if you can make it work. It’s quite soon to forgive when you do t know yet the full extent of what your forgiving.

I wanted to know everything and I don’t really know why, it’s like you’re torturing yourself but for me, I wanted to know. The worst bit for me was piecing bits together once I’d found out-late nights at work made sense, hotel bookings etc. We tried to make another go of it but I was constantly wondering what happened etc. It ended and in hindsight it was for the best but I genuinely admire you for working through it. I think you need to know what you need to know to find out a way to work through it and make it work. He also has to understand that, if you choose to ask and know, he has to be honest with you however hurtful it may be. I hope it all works out for you x

IME they'll down play it, lie or leave out stuff. I understand the need for closure, but in my case I threw them out and it was much better to concentrate on oneself.

Have a look at chumplady.

I wanted to know everything but he would tell me nothing. I left him his attitude towards it all was so blasé. Two years later he has told me
It is his biggest regret but I’ve moved on. Still hurts a lot though a pain I wouldn’t wish on an enemy

It is a pointless exercise because he will simply lie. Same as he was lying to you whilst he was having the affair. It is second nature now - simply put, where lies happen, there is no respect. He thinks so little of you that he’ll tell you anything. What’s changed?,

All I wanted to know with my ex partner was if it was true. (I already knew it was but I wanted to hear it from him). I wasn't interested in the details because it was over as soon as I found out.

Funily. enough, nothing
it was like a light went off. Click-im done.

I wanted to know everything. He denied and minimised and lied.

It was all consuming and I became obsessed with finding out everything that I could, hacking his e-mails, reading his phone, checking his online purchases etc etc It turned me into a horrible, bitter person and I did not like myself but once he moved out it all evaporated.

I don’t know how people even try to forgive this.

Sneaking around, fucking other women is so unforgivable.

I would assume that if something is suspicious, either ask or assume it was true. 'We only kissed' probably means 'We only had sex once'. If you think that his cycling weekend with a mate was a weekend of lust with her, it probably was.
I handled it by compartmentalising it - instead of worrying about the minutiae I assumed the worst. The affair was by-the-by. The reason why he had it was the reason we split - he didn't have enough respect or love for me to not cheat on me.

If you get back together, make sure that you are in a position to survive with dignity both financially and emotionally.

If you can overcome it, then you are a stronger person than me.