Wedding Invite Woes

[LauraDowell85]

I have recently become engaged to my DP of over 8 years and couldn’t be happier. However there is a massive rain cloud over the whole event because of my BIL and his partner. My DP and his brother were best friends for a long time did a lot and spent a lot of time together - his brother is older and did a lot of things with us too. As a family unit includes my ILs we spent a lot of time together. However he got his first serious girlfriend about 3 years ago. I welcomed her in with open arms despite being very different to me however one silly incident whereby she thought I ignored her turned very sour and caused a lot of hurt and upset in the family. I tried to reconcile with her however she just said she wasn’t willing to move on and that there was no need for us to speak. This put a huge strain on my DH and BILs relationship to the point now where they barely speak nor see each other. If I see this woman in the street she will walk straight past me and has ignored me and my OH at family occasions. We are struggling with numbers as it is (there are people we desperately want there but may have to say no to) so me and DP have decided that we don’t want her there. However this is now causing WW3. I understand that this causes problems for my ILs but why would I want someone at our special day who 1. Won’t be happy for us and 2. We haven’t spoken to in 2 years? I feel like if she has made a decision to carry this on what does she expect? I know this won’t sit well with a lot of people but I tolerated a lot of her crap for a long time. It is not just me who has decided this it is my DP also.

Why do your ILs tolerate her behaviour towards the two of you?

I think good for you and too right. If what you say is true then she needs to learn that her behaviour has consequences. You get one wedding day. Everybody there should feel love for you. Is she going to ignore you on your special day??? Tough what anyone else thinks. Sorry. Stay strong. She’s not invited. End of story and they’ll all have to fucking lump it.

You are spot on, don’t budge. She threw your olive branch in your face and would use your wedding as a way of doing it again!

Stick to your guns

Yup, I'm normally for 'oh compromise to keep the peace', but she's the one who refused to compromise. Say you don't like to have to do this, but as this woman has refused to let bygones be bygones, and has said she doesn't want to talk to you, say you're abiding by her decision and you don't want someone who has behaved so negatively at your wedding.

Wow OP - you could be me! I had this exact situation (extremely nasty and manipulative SIL and dh and his dB now have no relationship because of her). We basically ended up inviting them as we wanted to be the bigger people and didn’t want to exclude anyone.
Thankfully they didn’t come - which we suspected would happen - but I was SO relieved.
We ended up having an amazing day full of love and happiness - everyone there was genuinely radiating good vibes and just wanting to have a great time. I know it wouldn’t have been like that if they’d come - I wouldn’t have been able to relax for fear of one of them kicking off or making a snide remark.
It’s up to you whether you invite them or not but I certainly wouldn’t feel guilty for not having them there. People should be made to suffer the consequences of their actions. I’m sure your in laws know what she’s like and will hopefully understand.

Whilst I understand that she has behaved poorly, it is sad that this has caused such a rift between your dp and his brother.

However, if you don’t invite her, then you’re putting the nail in the coffin. Your bil will never be allowed to forget that his own brother excluded her. It is his partner who he loves, so he will also be offended on her behalf. I don’t see how you ever move forward from this if you choose to go ahead with not inviting her.

For the sake of your future family, IMO, you should offer an invite. She can decline and then that is her problem. You then know that you have done your bit in building bridges. Imagine in 30 years you have two dc, you would be heartbroken if their choice of partners destroyed their relationship. You would want one of the dp to try and heal the rift if you couldn’t.

She wanted an invite so she could decline. You robbed her of that.

I wouldn’t back down either. If you invite now she’ll decline in a huff.

You've posted about her and your situation numerous times.

There's definitely two sides here, but you can't stand her so you've got what you wanted really.

We are struggling with numbers as it is (there are people we desperately want there but may have to say no to) so me and DP have decided that we don’t want her there.

This is totally disingenuous - your OHs DB’s partner of many years should be top of the list.

Be honest that you don’t get on etc but don’t pretend it is about numbers.

I also remember your previous thread - where you came across as a nasty territorial bully who spends time mocking this poor woman to your family and friends.

But don’t worry they all know who you are and this final stunt will just amplify it.

While I respect everyone else's opinion I fail to see what other side you're looking for. I offer an olive branch and she won't take it - what else would you like me to do? What other side are you looking for? To call me a bully is a massively out of order

Your kidding right? I've never made it unknown that I don't like her for what she's caused. Have you ever planned a wedding? Of course numbers is a huge thing. You're missing the point of that whole statement.

What @Mamato2gorgeousboys said.

Oh, and also what @Gutterton said about numbers.

Every argument has two sides, that’s what a pp meant Op. Whilst you are limited on numbers, you invite friends after inviting closest family (which as Bil significant other, this is what she is classed as).

By your responses, it sounds like you’re enjoying the drama. I feel bad for your dp and especially your IL’s. Your dp probably agreed with you to not invite her as he’s had you in his ear for so long, he’s lost sight of the bigger picture. Don’t isolate your dp from his family Op, he won’t thank you for it in the long run.