Affair.... how to support my friend.

[MabelChiltern1]

Best friend’s husband is having an affair. She wants to save her marriage but he is blatantly carrying on. How do I best support my friend? Thank you

You just need to be a shoulder to cry on and a supportive ear really, there’s not much else you can say or do to make this better.

If it’s for a friend - then just listen to her. And do things you normally do.
If it’s your situation - then given what you said - dont want to end marriage and H doesn’t want to end affair - then it becomes an open marriage. You need to make peace with that or leave. And if you accept the open marriage - then remember it works both ways - and you can have your parallel life too. Make sure H understands that.

Is it not helpful to give her advice like “ throw him out “?

no.

Thank you for replies. It is my friend not me. If any of you have been in this situation, how did your friends help you best?

Point her in the direction of surviving infidelity. Com lots of advice there and supportive forums. Also look up the 180.

Is this something he's admitted to?

You just need to listen and be as kind as you can be. Telling her to leave him or calling him all the names he deserves won’t help. She has to see it in her own time.

Point her towards the Chumplady website

Yes he’s admitted it. Thanks for your advice I really appreciate it. I’m not sure she’s ready for chump lady ( when is the right time?) They have been together a long time and she just wants to go back to before

He is addicted and you can't talk to an addict

So sorry for your friend

I’d point her in this direction!

Thank you all

Just be there for her and hopefully she will come to her senses in her own time and be glad of a good friend like you around

You slag him off for being the bastard that he is. a) They stay together. She feels like you judge her for staying - friendship changes or is over. b) they stay together and she tells him what you said during a row. He now sees you as 'the enemy' who tried to split them up - awkward every time you see them. Friendship changes or is over. c) she leaves, but can't accept it, feels like you 'forced' her into it - friendship changes or is over. d) they stay together but need someone to blame for their problems. You're an easy target (you never liked him, you made it a bigger thing than it was, you didn't support them during a difficult time etc etc) - friendship changes or is over.

I've seen all these scenarios. And much like we want to call the bastards out on their shitty behaviour, it rarely ends well. You can say how you would react (I won't be able to trust a partner again if they did that to me - rather than YOU won't be able to etc), but slagging him off can backfire on you. Tell her you will support her decision regardless. Point her in the direct of help - and hope for the right decision.

When I was in your position I found it so, so hard so I really sympathise with you.

I'm naturally a "fixer" so found it very hard to bite my tongue, but I managed it and am glad I did as I know if I went on an anti-him rampage which I want to because he is a smug cunt he would eventually isolate her from me.

I had an initial big sit down with her fairly soon after she found out and said clearly what my position was - he is abusive and cruel and she deserves much better and I personally think that she should leave because I love her and want her to be happy.

But I then said you know this is how I feel so I'm not going to keep saying that every time we speak about it, I promise to listen and give you a cuddle and answer questions honestly but not make you feel bad for staying.

I did reiterate that if she did leave at any point, she has a place with me for as long as she needs and can call any time any day no matter what.

It's agony but I know what she's going through is a zillion times worse and I can't risk pushing her further away by berating her for staying.

People like him twist post affair relationships into "us against the world" so that anyone who doesn't support the relationship continuing is painted as someone who doesn't support the wronged party. It's awful and so manipulative.

Poor you OP and even more so poor her

I’m in this situation right now too. They have decided to give it ago. I have never told her what I thought she should or shouldn’t do, all I’ve ever done is just let her talk it out as much as she needed to and made it clear I support whatever direction she goes in. I’ve not said anything hateful about him either as I don’t want to influence her already very confused mind. I’m very sad this is happening to her!

Thank you everyone- really very helpful. Darling Friend wants to save the marriage but he’s still seeing the OW...how can they mend?

They can't until he stops seeing the OW. Basically he's having his cake and eating it. Your friend may have to be prepared to lose the marriage in order to save it. I highly recommend pointing her in the direction of the 180, stop chasing after him and start treating him with the same level of contempt he shows her. No doing his laundry, no cooking his meals, no doing his part of the housework, start planning days out that doesn't involve him, go see a shit hot lawyer to know where she stands, and be prepared to file for divorce, get her ducks lined up and tell people. Basically cut him out of her life.

Show him what he stands to lose.

Great advice bring back. Thank you