Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH won't accept it's over - what to do?

9 replies

TomPettysTopHat · 20/02/2020 13:10

I've told DH I want to separate. I've been trying to keep things going for years and have told him several times previously that I was at breaking point in terms of our marriage. I have had a few health issues over that time along with difficulties with the DC, which I've had to manage by myself more or less, and have had no support from him whatsoever amongst other things. There has been some emotional abuse in the marriage, which has got worse in the last 2-3 years.

He has apologised for his actions and promised to change but keeps constantly coming back round to the idea that I've found someone else which he describes as a 'niggle'. Which is ridiculous as I never come into contact with any men these days really other than the sole male colleague I have and a couple of the DCs teachers, none of whom I find remotely appealing. To my mind this means he's not taking his part in all this seriously and it's making me angry - like the marriage couldn't be bad enough on its own IYSWIM? Which also makes me feel I can't take him seriously in terms of his assurances that he'll change. In spite of all this he wants to make a go of things, even though I've told him I don't even fancy him any more Confused

The question is what do I do now? The house is in both our names so I can't force him to move out. Can you divorce someone under the same roof as you? Has anyone done it? I don't want to make things awful for the DC but I really can't carry on like this.

Sorry for the long post. I feel very stuck RN.

OP posts:
MyOwnSummer · 20/02/2020 13:16

Get your paperwork together (there are threads on here that have useful lists of what you need - confirmation of pensions, salary, savings, mortgages and the like). It is best if you can organise it clearly, and write your own list/index for reference. That will save the solicitor time when they look through it.

Next step is to actually go and see a solicitor. They will talk you through what you need to do next.

Frankly he isn't listening to you because he doesn't want to. Why should he, his life is fine the way it is. Your feelings don't matter to him.

So - quit talking to him, and take action. Get the ball rolling from a legal perspective and hand him the paperwork!

HuskyloverI · 20/02/2020 13:16

If he can't afford to buy you out, then of course the house will have to be sold.

You need to see a solicitor and ask for a separation agreement to be drawn up. This gets posted to his solicitor and the bartering begins. It's not nice, living together whilst this all goes on, but there's no nice way to do this!

TomPettysTopHat · 20/02/2020 13:21

Thank you both.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 20/02/2020 13:25

Lots of peoples live together whilst divorcing. Just make the application. Tell him it’s on unreasonable grounds. If he refutes it, then get a solicitor to push for the house sale or an occupation order.

Once it becomes real he will accept it. But you will have a difficult divorce.

Pinkbonbon · 20/02/2020 13:32

The 'niggle about another man' is a control thing. He wants you to be focused on trying to prove your innocence rather than on getting the hell away from him.

Abusers do not change. They do not respect you. They like it when you are sad/off balance. You cannot make deals with them as they will see compromise as weakness. Dont wait around for him to make this easy as that will never happen. You have to take full control. Speak to a solicitor asap.

TomPettysTopHat · 20/02/2020 13:35

@LemonTT I suspected as much when I first mentioned the possibility to him. He is a difficult man Sad

OP posts:
BitOfANameChange · 20/02/2020 14:14

keeps constantly coming back round to the idea that I've found someone else which he describes as a 'niggle'. Which is ridiculous as I never come into contact with any men these days

Can agree it's a control thing, it's also a "I don't want to look like the bad guy" thing, ie not accepting any responsibility for what's going wrong in the marriage/relationship.

When I left my ex, in secret due to abuse, the first comment made was "who is the other guy?". My ex still refuses to accept any blame.

12345kbm · 20/02/2020 15:08

Of course you can divorce him. Here's the CABx Guide to Ending a Relationship. Make sure you read up on your area as laws vary.

You can find a solicitor here.

Gingerbread has a great helpline and website on all child related matters.

Whynosnowyet · 20/02/2020 15:12

He wants to blame you /om so he doesn't have to accept any blame
.. Seek legal advice ASAP. Once it starts to sink in he will become a twat ime
..

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread