Can i save my marriage?

[Justaman22]

Hi all

So I have met my wife 4 years ago I was in love quickly I knew she was the woman of my life so we got married. During our 4 years together we purchase 3 houses ( lots of stress) and last year we purchased a home in France (I am French) to start a yoga retreat and have a more relaxed life, over the years we had some great times and also some arguments. In October 2018 I moved to france to secure the house and a job, she was going to move this year 2020, there were time where I could sense som hesitation for to move here, I totally undersdand. Unfortunately she has announced me that she is leaving me so I am heart broken because I love her so much. When I asked her if we have any chances she replied " I have no idea" I have done everything for her sadly she think it was all about me, I wish could show her it's not the case. Any help Thank you

she didnt say 'no' directly. so, it looks like there is some chance.
why dont you go to a relate counselor together?

Thank you, she doesn't want to (I don't blame her), she is telling that I have never listened to her etc If I did it was never my intention as I do everything I can for her to be happy when I meet I told her that I will be there to support her and give the life she deserves as she brought up her daughter by herself and I wanted to support her, I really hope we can stay together. I really want to be a good husband I cook a lot and help around the house no problem.

Why did she say she wants to separate ?

Because she feels we have argued too much, which I kind of agree, we have been having a very stressful life which has contributed to it hence why we wanted to settle in France for a more relaxed life, I have also talked about finances with one of her friend and this as very upset her I don't mind talking about finances but I now understand it's not something she comfortable with

What were most of the arguments actually about?

Why did you discuss your finances with the friend and not your wife? I would see that as none of anyone else's business.

Does she actually want to move to France or has she perhaps just been going alon with the idea to keep the peace and is now realising what a big upheaval it will be?

Perhaps she likes her job here (I presume she has one) and is realising that she doesn't really want to leave it now that the time is getting nearer?

Lots to consider really. Not to mention the immigration status of whoever ends up living in France or the UK.

Along with the idea.

The arguments I can't really tell because to me we had some amazing time together If most were just silly things, but since we were constantly running like headless chickens the little things got into an argument. At time we could laugh about stupid the argument was.

Does she speak French, and is she confident enough to live there? Whose idea was it to start the yoga retreat in France? Anxiety can make everything feel uncertain.

It doesn’t sound like she wants to move away from all her friends and her family, and go to France. Maybe she doesn’t regard that as less stressful.
Buying four properties n four years is enough to drive anyone over the edge.
Maybe you could just slow down, stop running like headless chickens and have some fun.
What about children? Have you discussed a family.

I’m so sorry that this is happening. I don’t know if it can be fixed. If you have spent two years living in different countries then the relationship was already in trouble as people just grow apart, and the fact that you were willing to move without her / she was willing to let you go probably means there was already a lack of commitment to the marriage, on both sides. My husband and I have turned down many overseas opportunities so that we can live together.

From her point of view, it makes no sense to leave her country, (family?) friends, and job for a permanent move to a foreign country unless she is 100% sure the relationship she’s moving for is rock solid. Even less sense if she isn’t fluent in French and a big fan of the culture.

Going to France will not make you stop arguing. Setting up a yoga retreat will not make you stop arguing. If you want a more peaceful job (or yoga!) those things could have been done without moving country.

There are people in super stressful jobs who do not argue with their spouse all the time. Healthy relationships are not full of arguments. Something is wrong. Maybe she’s right 🤷‍♀️ and you are a bad combination? It seems possible that you are trying to fix things FOR her, but not listening to what she feels is wrong. How did it come to be you on your own setting up the retreat, instead if working together? Why did it have to be in your home country not hers? Etc etc.

Maybe instead of emigrating she just wants you to admit that some of the time she is right and you are wrong? Does your vocabulary include phrases like “Ok if you think so, let’s do that” and “sure why not” or do you automatically try to lead on every issue / contradict her all the time?

What does SHE want out of the next year? If it was France and yoga she’d already be with you.

I absolutely don’t mean that this is your fault (for all I know she might be a difficult person) but I’m trying to help you see some of the things that have gone wrong so you can see the sort of things that would need to change to save your marriage.

Good luck and remember thst if it doesn’t work out perhaps there is someone else out there for you who is a better match and would love to set up a yoga retreat in France.

Thank you so Skysblue I do realise that I have lots and at time was maybe doing to much and considering your view (not my intention) I thought I was doing it to make her happy, I believed she wanted the house in France and this is why I left 22 years of life, my friends and children ( it was going to be a home family) she is a great wife I only wanted to do good but maybe didn't realized I was not doing the right thing, I regret everything I have done wrong in her eyes.

Maybe if she did want the house in France she saw it as more of a holiday home, not a business or yoga retreat. Not a permanent move.

It is possible that she may have been bewildered or even dismayed at how you were moving on ahead with it so much.

Start asking her what she wants and where she wants it to be. Listen carefully to what she tells you. She might be happy as she is and want to stay in the UK. Be prepared to hear her say that. If you want to be with her then you might have to scale back and reconsider many of your plans. That is if she sees a future.

I think you sound like a very nice person, but perhaps you have a tendency to just race on ahead with things without really giving the other person a chance to say what they want or think, and when they do say what they want maybe you don't listen carefully enough.

Good luck. I hope you can work something out, but you really must listen to her if there is even to be a chance of a discussion.