My DH doesn't love me and I have no one.

[popsydoodle4444]

I've posted here before in relation to the problems in my marriage.I suppose some would say "I told you so" but that doesn't help how I'm feeling right now which is completely broken.

My DH turned around and told me I'm fat,lazy,he doesn't love me anymore and he's been trying to get me to leave for age but I won't take the hint.This was Tuesday and he hasn't spoken to me since after saying that awful stuff to me.

19 years,4 kids and that's what I'm left with.Im very lonely,my family are very much in their own bubble and my friends have drifted away and are busy with lives of their own.I don't have anyone I can really lean on.I don't work outside of the home and I can go days without any real adult conversation.Its horrible that I've been dependent on him for adult company and now I don't even have that.

As our relationship has fallen apart over the last year it's had a real impact on my MH,I've developed depression and anxiety.I won't lie at the moment I don't even feel like I really want to be here anymore.

I can't face being a single mum,I have no income,nowhere to go and I'll be extremely lonely.

What's happened has been absolutely soul destroying and I feel as my hearts been shattered in a million pieces.I can't see a light at the end of tunnel and things feel so unbearably bleak.

I'm so very sorry to read what you are going through! I can't imagine hearing this from the person who is supposed to love you. He should be moving out and paying you child maintenance. Please look into what benefits you are entitled to. I'm sure the man who said that to you is an oil painting himself

Hello I’m sorry you are feeling at such a low ebb. Why don’t you visit your GP today re your anxiety and depression.

Your DH has no right to make you feel you should leave. Its your home. If he’s unhappy in the marriage then he can leave. Things may seem bleak - i remember when my exh ended our marriage I couldn’t see my future at all. I desperately wanted children after many failed ivf attempts. But several years later I met someone and am much happier and we have a DS. I never thought it would happen, but it did.

Be determined to get better - those 4 kids need you! Are they school age? If so why dont you do some exercise and volunteer work while they are at school? Charity shops are always in need of volunteers and its a great way of meeting new people. You can do it !

You can do this. You won’t be lonely - it’s far more lonely being with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Plan of action

1. Sort out your finances. Speak to a solicitor, get things in order
2. Look up inspirational stories online. These helped me a lot! Millions of women have been there and they all picked themselves up and moved on. There’s lots of tips for how to survive in the early days.
3. Build up your social group. Join a single parent forum like Frolo, join local groups. Start reaching out to people

If you are feeling suicidal then speak to Samaritans/ your GP immediately.

You will be ok. You will thrive without the baggage of someone getting you down.

He wants you to move out?? Don't do it. He can go if he wants to.
meanwhile, time for you to pick yourself up and start thinking about your future.
Make sure you have a list of all the accounts/assets/pensions etc. He's shown how horrible he is, so do not trust him. He will do the dirty on you if it suits him. If you have anything of value, move it out of his reach. Accept that this is over, sort yourself legal and financial advice, benefits advice, and some personal counselling/therapy.Start thinking about getting work outside the house - do you need training? Is there anything you can pick up locally just to get you back into the world of work?
What's happened to you is soul-destroying, but it sounds as if it's been bad for a long time, and now you have to pick yourself up and think of the your own future for yourself and your children. You won't be any more lonely than you are already, and maybe you'll start feeling better once you are out this toxic relationship. Being a single parent is daunting, but it means you have control over your own life.It doesn't sound as if he was much help to you anyway.
Keep posting on here, there's a wealth of experience and knowledge here that people are always happy to share.

You need to see a solicitor.

Are you legally married? Own the home? Savings? Pensions? How old are the children?

19 years is a long marriage. Are you a SAHM? Financially, it's not you who is fucked, it's him. Which is why he is trying to mentally break you and coerce you into moving out.

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME.

I don't know your story, but I can relate to being dumped after having given your all to support husband and children and effectively keep the family afloat.

Can you do 2 things today:

• make a GP appointment with a view to being put on an antidepressant; I resisted for years, but I really wish I hadn't as it has totally changed my outlook and has given me the strength to cope.

• find a qualified counsellor and make an appointment; again, this will enhance your self-esteem and will help you rephrase a lot of the negativity in you life, so that more positive paths open up for you.

You are still young and I guess your children are old enough not to require childcare. So your next tasks would be finding a job, researching benefit entitlements, find out about divorce.

I do not underestimate how very down and unloved you are feeling, but you WILL be able to build a new and more fulfilling life for yourself.

To answer the questions I've been asked

*Yes we're married
*Kids are secondary school/junior school aged and I will need childcare
*I had a job but had to give it up due to ill health tbh my DH seemed very keen for me to leave although I very strongly suspect it was because he didn't want to look after the kids when I was working weekends anymore
*I currently don't feel in a place mentally to go back out to work;I need to sort myself out first as I know im lacking in self confidence but it's not helping that my self confidence is being undermined at the moment.
*Its soul destroying to think I'm deliberately been treated badly to get me to leave or that he's had the nerve to lie and say he loves me when he doesn't and has been trying to covertly out me in a place where I want to leave;I think that's actually abuse and possibly gaslighting.
*House Is rented and rental agreement is in his name and there's a clause in it that doesn't allow me to stay in the event of a divorce so I'll be homeless

How awful. If I were you I would book an appointment today with CAB. Also get on Entitledto.co.uk and see about benefits. I would be making plans to move, try and look up on Rightmove for something suitable. I would gather up all important paperwork,. bank details, birth certificates, etc.

I would start making positive plans to get out and take some control back. Once you are settled then think about voluntary work, re-training to get back into the job market

Absolutely agree that you are not well enough to return to work right now, but it is a useful goal to set yourself for the medium to long term, even if it is just part time inititially. Counselling will help you gain confidence and get in the right frame of mind.

About the rental contract divorce clause: I'm not sure this even legal? In any event, you do not need to leave unless your landlord gets a court order to evict you. Please contact Shelter and get competent advise about your situation.

Above everything else, don't panic. And get those appointments set up!

@popsydoodle4444, I’m so sorry to read this. I know exactly how you feel. Have a look at the ‘Some Friendly Words- Support Group’ thread. Many of us in the same position as you are providing support to each other. Stay as strong as you can. X

I'm suppose if I desperately need a job even part time then I could always approach care at Home agencies;as harsh as this sounds but where I am their always crying out for carers and their not fussy who they take on but my only concern is if physically ill be up for it.

I should add though that I have a very strong background in customer service and I know I'd get a good reference from my former employer

I wanted to send you big hugs for what you are going through. Its so hard to see the way forward when you're feeling so down and have been treated so badly.

Could you start with some tiny steps...one little thing each day? Contacting someone about a job (it sounds like customer service lights your fire, so why not begin searching down this avenue?). Or something that just makes you feel good...a stroll round the block, whatever.

Please keep posting on here. Hopefully someone more useful than me will give you some more concrete advice, but believe me, you are worth so much more than the way you're being treated.

You need some advice can you get that rental agreement clausechecked to see that it’s true? Why is just him on the rental agreement ?
Has he been abusive for some time

Yes, you need to break this down. Everything is overwhelming but small steps at a time and things seem more manageable. You don’t need to sort everything out this second. Right now focus on getting help for your mental state and getting your finances in order

I would speak to the council about housing they can help you and also look at what your entitled to in benefit. Know how you feel ex left me after 13 years of marriage, trust me you’ll get though it and wonder why you even got upset in the first place. Your kids need you now more then ever don’t hurt them because of a lowlife fool. They love you too much trust me, start by going to the council trust me it will get better.

And you do have someone those four beautiful angels look up to you and love you unconditionally forget men they are 🤢

He will have to pay....get legal advice immediately. You wont be homeless if you talk to someone NOW and get the ball rolling before the divorce. Do not let him push you out. Do not move out. Does he not care where his kids live ?

This is awful for you, I am so very sorry but sweetheart .. be strong. Come on....you do have it in you. Look at your children and know you do have the strength to do this. It feels hopeless but as soon as you take the first few practical steps it wont feel so impossible. Take control.

Sending love...and strength....

Just echoing pp and sending best wishes. You can do it, you just gotta start the ball rolling and reach out for legal help.

It's such a lot for you to take Op Visit the turn to us website. It will give you a bit of an idea what benefits you may be entitled to. Look at housing options on your local councils website, it should give all the info regarding housing, potential homelessness etc you may even be able to book an appointment to discuss yours circumstances. Good luck x

Contact a solicitor to ask if the clause in the contract is even legal. It doesn't sound legal. Have you seen the contaract or did your husband told you about the clause?

Do not move out of the house! You must stay with your children.

The most important thing is you need to speak to a solicitor about your financial situation. Good luck op

Do you have access to money?
Get a solicitor even the free half hour would help.
Focus on the steps you need to take instead of the heartbreak. I know it must hurt so much but try to find your anger. He's horrible. Find something each day that you can do to help your situation.
You could call a solicitor and you could take the kids and your important documents and put them somewhere safe.
Also please do tell someone in real life. You might think they are busy but I'm sure they'd be more than happy to help you.
I know I would even with an estranged friend or family. Xxx
You've got this! You're not alone and you're stronger than you know.

How are you feeling this morning, @popsydoodle4444 ? I hope you managed to get a reasonably good night's sleep.

Your action list:

GP appointment re. anxiety and depression.

Counselling appointment re. talking through whats is happening to you and shoring up your strength to get through this.

Finance & assets: get hold of every bit of information about this - bank statements, salary slips/P60s, pensions, investments, car ownership.

Call Shelter and ask about (a) the legality of the divorce clause in your rental agreement, and whether the whole contract is even valid [is it a proper AST, is the deposit protected, where you given a valid gas safety certificate and EPC...]; (b) ask them about the best way to proceed, given your situation.

Google Universal Credit, Child Maintenance and get up to speed on your entitlements.

Call your council's housing office and explain your situation; find out what help they can provide.

Library: books about divorce, self-esteem, resilience (if you can find Women Who Love Too Much, excellent; if not, buy it - it's so worth it).

Read about divorce/ask questions at Wikivorce.

Appointment with competent family solicitor; make a detailed list of questions to ask and make detailed notes during the appointment.

Keep posting on Mumsnet if your feeling down and everything gets on top of you. But also check out Chumplady, especially when your husband tries to bully you.

Yes, it's quite a list. But you know how to eat an elephant: one bite at a time And remember: thousands have walked your walk - you are not alone!

Hi

So an update;he's said he didn't mean and it was said in the heat of the moment.

The thing is this past 13 months have been pretty bad tbh,it's one thing after another.It causes me a great deal of stress and anxiety as just when I think we're heading in the right direction he throws a hand grenade in there again.We even had marriage counselling which was a waste of a few hundred quid as he's just not been interested in implementing any changes.

After Tuesday's incident I just can't look at him in the same light.It was so hurtful and I'm just done with being strung along by this narcissistic butthole.

Tbh he's immature and appears to going through some sort of midlife crisis.I read "the script" and omg this is my life bar the OW part although I have at times wondered and he vehemently denies there being an OW.

He tried to kiss me earlier when leaving to go out and I turned my cheek to him because frankly I had a ick moment.

I'm still going to find out what my options are legally and get as much information on housing/benefits etc.Knowledge is power after all and I'd probably feel better knowing what my options are so I can make an informed decision on where to go from here.

I'm physically and emotionally exhausted after the last few days,I look awful,I'm so glad it's been half term because I don't think I could have done the school run looking&feeling like this.At least I've been able to regroup a tiny bit.