Back burner relationship

[SofiaF1508]

Hi! First time poster and just looking for some advice. Our two and a half year old toddler has just started going to their grandparents for a few hours every month (wouldn’t be apart from my until now), so I suggested a casual date lunch to my partner for my recent birthday. He said that he was fine if we went out or not. I’m so confused as don’t spend any time together.

Once our child is in bed he goes to the gym with friends one night a week, spends two nights on a scheduled group computer game (3 hours long) and then the rest he spends playing the game in another room with headphones or whilst watching football. I feel fine during the day but I feel so lonely in the evening just for one or two nights together.

I’ve spoken about it in the past and he has said that I’m too needy and sound depressed (I don’t feel depressed in myself). We don’t sleep in the same room and he doesn’t want a physical relationship. After a bad argument this week he told me that he’s happy to put our relationship on the back burner and just co-parent (whilst living together). He said if it gets better in due course then great, if not, at least we have a healthy child. He told me he doesn’t want to spend time with me because I only annoy him (he’s been telling me lately that the way I speak is irritating and that I never just get to the point) and I should try to be someone he wants to spend time with.

He said won’t change and that I need to accept it or leave. After every argument we have (regardless of the topic) he says that I have to apologise and make it up to him, it feels so demoralising. I feel as if I can’t do anything right for him and so sad about it all and i’m not sure I’m being selfish and unrealistic. Has anyone ever had this and things gotten better? Look for insight or suggestions. Tia x

It won't get better and he has told you that he has checked out of the relationship. There is no evidence in your writing that he ever puts your needs and wants first, and he sounds selfish to the core. You don't need to apologise to him, but you do need to leave him as he is not respectful or understanding towards you. You may not feel depressed now, but give it a few years of this sort of abuse and you surely will. Do the separation now while your child is young, and can adjust.

Get your child and get out he does love or care for your feelings he to interested in online strangers and his friends

Well, clearly this is a very odd relationship. How did you end up living this way - what happened? How long have you known him, lived together? When did you stop having sex and why?

Why are you staying with him? Why, given his behaviour, are still expecting anything of him?

It sounds to me like he's trying to force you out rather than leave himself.

He doesn't want this relationship and isn't even hiding this from you.

Fuck him, take your child and leave his useless ass.

Thank you for all of your replies, I really appreciate it. I just can’t get any objective perspective on the situation.

@FlowerArranger we’ve been together for six years. Our relationship was in a bad place anyway and then I found out I was pregnant (I had been using the diaphragm - we weren’t trying). My partner asked me to get a termination and when I said I needed a weekend to think things through) he broke off our relationship and moved me out of his house. After four months apart (I decided to keep the pregnancy), I had planned to move back to where my family are originally from to have the baby and he seemed to want to reconcile and I desperately wanted a chance at being a family so we gave it a try,

We stopped sleeping in the same bed after our toddler was born. I had a two hour feeding cycle (she wouldn’t gain weight and was a bad sleeper) and was having to sleep on the sofa so he could get some sleep. In the end we bought a second double bed so I co-sleep and all get some sleep. We had a good sex life initially but it dwindled after I suffered from a bad period of anxiety (which I take full responsibility for) , he became close with a colleague and then he’s always said it was pregnancy or not sleeping in the same bed. We’ve had sex three times in the last 3.5 years (but only when he’s been blind drunk after he’s been on a night out).

I guess I’m so confused because just before Christmas we bought our first joint house together. I had nothing to contribute (I’m a SAHM with no savings) but he was insistent on me being on the mortgage and deeds to the house (even putting 5K of his deposit in trust in my name). I just don’t understand why he does things like that one minute but doesn’t want the relationship. It’s so confusing.

He said won’t change and that I need to accept it or leave

As much of an arsehole as he is, he's absolutely right about this ^.

Only stay with him (as much as you are actually 'with' him anyway) if you're happy with the way things are.

But if you realise that this isn't good enough (which it isn't), then take your baby and leave.

The joint house is indeed strange, but it is clear that you have no relationship, so why do you stay? And why do you let him have sex with you when he is drunk...

You've been together 6 years and the relationship has always been fraught or practically mon-existent.

He has told you that he won't change and that he won't stop you from leaving. I struggle to understand why you are staying.

I guess, now I think about it, I really don’t know. I guess I’m trying to stay for our daughter, I’m think I’m trying to think that the good bits are good (he’s nice to our daughter, we do things as a three on Saturdays, he can be financial generous, he says that he loves me sometimes and always tells me that I’m a good mum). I think I’m stupid enough to think that I could still try to make him happy. Mainly, I guess I don’t want to walk away and regret it or feel as if there was more I could have done to fix things.

How he is speaking to you is absolutely disgusting. You clearly are use to this kind of bullshit behaviour as it isn’t showing up as a big red flag to you. He hardly sounds like a catch and if it is your house then kick him the fuck out.

Don’t try and fix things you can’t fix people like that, they are wired up wrong

My marriage was like this for a long time. My ex checked out of our marriage a long time ago and wanted us to stay together for the sake of our daughters. He showed me no affection or spent any time with me. I was so unhappy, felt lonely and unattractive. I'm also convinced he was cheating as he lost all interest in sex with me.

Last summer I decided I had enough. I felt I was wasting my life and living a lie. I ended our marriage and he was shocked! He couldn't understand why I wouldn't be happy to live in a sham of a marriage. He still doesn't get it. But I decided I need and deserve more than that.

I wouldn't accept it OP you deserve to be loved and happy

I hate to point this out but it sounds like he has dumped you but is happy to continue living in the same house and co-parent.

You’re in separate rooms and only interact together with your daughter (ie on Saturdays). He’s definitely checked out of the relationship and the “see if things improve“ is probably just to give you hope so that you’ve now basically agreed to the situation where you’re probably doing all the childcare, housework etc and his life goes undisturbed (and he’s now single).

I guess I don’t want to walk away and regret it or feel as if there was more I could have done to fix things

I'd be more worried about the regret of spending any longer with someone who was clearly not that into me in the first place and now seems to resent me deeply and has no qualms about showing it.

You've wasted six years trying in vain to make this into a proper, loving relationship already, OP - don't spend any more of your DD's childhood in this miserable setup. It will make the memories of her childhood painful to look back on, believe me.

What do you want OP?

A loving partner who thinks the sun rises and sets with you, or a nice flat mate who helps out with bills, childcare and the odd day out with your DC.

Pick one. It really is as simple as that, I'm afraid. He is being very clear what he wants, and you can't make someone have a relationship with you.