15 weeks pregnant and partners grieving for his dad

[Lbw1997]

Hi I’m new here, basically my partners dad committed suicide last November and 3 days after I found out I’m pregnant with our 4th child. He did want me to have a termination but given the fact he was grieving and I’d have needed his support if I were to terminate I put it off for a while.
I did book an appointment went to the scan but decided I couldn’t go through with it, so I carried on with the pregnancy (I’m now 15 weeks) which he’s now happy about and is looking forward to bringing a new life into the world. However, since the death of his dad my partner has been on a massive low saying he wants to join his dad and has tried taking his own life on Boxing Day, then a again a few weeks later. I’m heart broken seeing him heartbroken and the fact that I’ve tried talking to him and just being an open ear for him to talk to he’s pushed me away but, I found out last night that he’s met a woman on the off chance at a pub got talking to her exchanged numbers and has been regularly messaging her about his grieve which has obviously upset me because all he’s done is push me away. He claims nothing sexual has ever happened between them both but as he’s not actually let me see the messages I’m just going on what he’s told me they’ve spoke about. I completely understand he’s grieving and after hours of thinking about it maybe I’m over reacting but I can’t help feel hurt especially as I’m pregnant and all he’s done is push me away but can exchange feelings about his grieve to a woman he’s apparently known for 2 weeks. Could anyone give me some advice on what I should do or even reassure me that the way I’m feeling is completely normal?

I think I would feel hurt if my dp was off-loading with a stranger, but couldn’t offload with me.

It may be totally innocent - she’s neutral in the situation so he’s managing to off-load. Maybe he doesn’t want to burden you with his woes, especially as you are pregnant. Have you suggested you go to the pub with him, and meet the lady.

Why don’t you suggest he sees the gp, to help with his depression. Also, in areas, you can self-refer to counselling. Or organise some counselling for him, or contact a bereavement charity for help.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

Me and his mum have tried he’s been given antidepressants but is refusing to take them he’s hopefully starting counselling soon but he doesn’t help himself with not taking his meds. He did say last night that it was because he didn’t know her that he found it easier and it could have been anyone who’d have listened to him. I’ve asked where about she lives and if he’s ever met her since they first met, he said they haven’t as she lives in the next town from us so I suppose that easier, just the notification I saw pop up on his phone it seemed like she wanted more if that makes sense and I think that’s what’s upset me.

Thank you

Can he afford counselling? If he wants to speak to
Someone that’s the route to go down. I appreciate be must be seriously struggling but you don’t deserve to be disrespected OP.

I think he’s getting it for free via a charity when he was admitted to hospital. That’s what I said to him last night night I just wasn’t sure if I was being selfish in saying that

Does this woman know about you and your being pregnant? If not he should defo tell her. And see if she’s still wanting to hang around.

I would suggest he doesn’t want you to see the texts as you won’t like them. He could well have done the ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ routine and that’s why the burd is hanging around.

Perhaps everything’s too much and you’re being pregnant is a stress he can’t handle. Even though he doesn’t tell you that.

He needs proper counselling. Not done random burd. Who may not have any counselling skills and could inadvertently make things worse.

Can his mum try and persuade him a bit more with the ‘look your dad wouldnt want this he’d want you to take your meds and do your counselling’ routine?

I lost my son to suicide a year and a half ago. I did and still do find it very difficult to talk openly with family and friends. Its hard to see my pain hurting them and exhausting.
I wear a mask when I can and isolate myself when I cant.
I can completely relate to off-loading to a relative stranger where they is no investment in a shared past or future.
Counselling and EMDR therapy have helped a lot but i couldn't even contemplate it for the first 4 months and refused medication, largely in fear of losing what little I felt was left of my mind.
What helped me more than anything was listening and talking to people who had lost someone close in the same way.
Most areas in the UK (if thats where you are?) have a Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide group, SOBS, other similar peer run groups exist.
Suicidal thoughts are very common among those that have lost someone in such a way, just understanding that really helped.
If meeting others face to face feels to much theres some excellent dedicated private Facebook groups, just reading about others feelings can be very supportive.
Another worth mentioning is the Campaign Against Living Miserably. They specialise in supporting men struggling with being here and their families. You could contact them yourself seperately from him for advice.

He’s apparently told her about me but not the fact I’m pregnant, he did say that he doesn’t want me to see them because he doesn’t want me to think any less of him because he’s spoke about all of his feeling and how dark they are. Pregnant or not I’d want to be the person he vents to about his feelings because that’s one of the reasons I’m here to help him get through tough times, I think he just feels I’ll judge him and think less of him. We’ve all tried to talk to him about how serious it is that he takes his med but he just doesn’t listen to any of us.

Surplus2requirments: I so sorry for your loss, yes I’m from the UK I’ll have a look into that and make that suggestion to him to see how he feels about it, it’s just heartbreaking seeing the pain he’s in and the shadow he’s become of him self

Whilst I understand your worries, you do understand that he has lost his father under the most horrific of circumstances. Instead of making this about you, and continually checking and harassing him, maybe you need to be supportive and let him cope in his own way. He needs to know you are there for him when he is ready but all I can see is that you are trying to check and trap him.

Cheeseandwin5 I’d love to know how I’ve make this thread about me? I’ve said it’s heart breaking watching someone become a former shadow of themselves because of the pain he’s dealing with. I personally think you’re talking rubbish because what was once a happy loving relationship where we spoke about absolutely anything and everything, having him then starting to talk to a random woman who he didn’t know about his dad upset me. I am allowed to be upset about something I’m human too and was only asking if I was over reacting as I wasn’t sure if I was just being hormonal. The way he’s dealt with his dads death isn’t a healthy way as he turns to drink as a way to cope with terrible things and both me and his family are all worried about him but I haven’t tried to check in on him as I’ve already said he was showing me something on his phone when a notification popped up from her and I’ve definitely not trapped him he’s free to do what he wants. Besides me and my partner have since talked about everything and he understood exactly why I was upset as would he if the tables were turned.

Nasty situation.

Wasn't sure if I should say anything, as it reminds me of when my exh's mum died, which led to our divorce. But maybe that gives me an insight into what I could have done diifferently, so might be useful.

After my ex's mum died, he started talking to a woman at work about her death, so he said, for support. I couldn't challenge this, as you can't accuse someone who's grieving of having an affair with the person who's supposedly supporting them in that grief. But that is indeed what he was doing; as I found out later, they exchanged hundreds of emails, none about her death, and started sleeping together soon after they met.

Clearly, your dh might very well be totally innocent and not doing anything like my ex. But whether he is or not, my advice would be the same at this stage - to treat him as if what he is saying is definitely true, and to do your best to support him. Because if he was sleeping with her, you being suspicious, accusing him or stopping him from contacting her would not change that: he would continue secretly and feel justified in an affair because of your suspicion. And whether or not he's having an affair, he is still a human being suffering from trauma, and you are a decent person who knows him well and thus might be able to support him.

I'd support him as best possible, treat him as innocent, keep my eyes open, stay well informed about my options if something is up, and see what happened next.

Ravenmum, I’ve actually very recently found out that he didn’t meet this woman in a pub and in actual fact started talking to her on a dating app, which is where I assume they exchanged numbers. I’ve also since found out that he wasn’t speaking to her about his dad at all and was in actual fact flirting with each other. I have to admit for him to say he was only talking to her about his grieve is way below the belt and I’m actually fuming with him, considering I thought we’d spoken about everything and sorted it out

So you weren't over-reacting in the first instance. Is it already full-blown affair or on the edge of one? So he was on a dating app? He was looking for something then. What a horrible excuse for a husband. I think that would be it for me. Is he sorry? How can he have time with 3 children, you and work. No wonder you are fuming.
What are you going to do?

I don’t think it was a full blown affair but I do know that they’d both said to each other they should do something together, but he was telling the truth in she lives in the next town which is about 19 miles away so it would have been difficult to see her after work and on the weekends we spend it as a family. He’s said he’s sorry and there was nothing in it but he also said it’s because I wasn’t giving him enough attention basically, which is fair enough but I do run a home look after 3 children and am pregnant so by the end of the day I’m naturally tired. He said he’s sorry so many while and trying to hug me while I was crying my eyes out asking why. I honestly don’t think I can forgive him and it’s made me feel so insecure about myself in all honesty.

I'm so sorry OP. Not just Friends talks about men being more likely to start an affair during grieving, a partner's pregnancy, etc. Basically times of significant change or loss or perceived loss, if they don't have the emotional skills to cope and don't seek professional help they are more likely to turn to something external such as drugs, other women or drink as a way of avoiding the pain and trying to achieve a boost.

He has no excuse for this otherwise everyone of us would cheat after a life trauma and we don't. We go to therapy!

I'd be concerned even if he stopped this affair he needs to change through therapy or it will happen again.

What now OP?

I think unfortunately the pregnancy couldn’t have done at a worse time. I can imagine for him being depressed, having lost his father and now expecting another child. ( a 4 th especially !) is a lot.

It’s hard because you can’t really just say stop talking to her if that’s the way he’s dealing and talking about how he’s feeling but at the same time it sounds like he’s disrespecting you and your relationship.

Sometimes grief/trauma makes people blow up their whole lives. It sounds like it's going that way with your partner.

The other woman may represent an escape, whereas you're more of a reminder and responsibility.

I don't think there's a lot you can do but ask him to seek help, and to start thinking about your own future if he might not be in it.

for him to say he was only talking to her about his grieve is way below the belt
I know, it is shocking that they would use a parent's death to cover up an affair. Hard to respect them, however much you understand that they are in a difficult place at that moment.

What do you want to do, forgive and hope that he stops? I'd find it hard to imagine he would leave it at that.

My daughter killed herself last May. Since then my relationship with my partner has been terrible. I can't talk to him about my feelings because he gets so upset - it has triggered lots of painful memories for him about losses that he has never dealt with (being a man, and of the generation when the stiff upper lip was like a law).

I have turned to many other people who are able to listen to my pain - men and women. But I can be really snappy and impatient with my partner, because I don't feel supported by him. We've talked about it and agreed we just have to try and get through this, not together but at least side by side.

Obviously your situation is rather different, you have small children and your pregnancy taking up so much of your emotional energy, but I agree with category12's advice. Try to accept his apologies, continue to press him to take his meds and use counselling, be supportive - but at the same time think about your future without him in it. MN will help with this. Ignore the LTB brigade. And most importantly - make sure you're getting support for yourself IRL.

OP - I hope I haven't killed the thread for you, I seem to have that effect. Please, other people - give your opinions, the OP needs support.

@MisguidedAngel no not at all I’ve had a busy few days with appointments, my health Vistor came to visit yesterday to do my youngest 24 month development check, she’s also going to make a referral for my partner to have some counselling. As the people the hospital referred him said they couldn’t help him. Hopefully, he’ll soon have the help he needs and he can then slowly come to terms with the tragic loss. In all honesty I just want my partner back to his usual funny self (without sounding selfish) as it’s heartbreaking seeing him so heartbroken and down. He’s said at the moment he doesn’t feel anything and is emotionless, cant bare the thought of being in reality.

I am really sorry that this is happening to you and your young family. Suicide sends v different, often toxic, shock waves of bereavement through families and this is v v early days in any bereavement. Emotions can often get worse throughout the first year.

Is he drinking? This is one of the worst things he can do for his MH at this time. If he then takes ADs on top it’s v messy. His own suicide risk is raised right now and this
must be unbearable for you. If he can keep off the alcohol, access some talking therapy and groups specific to suicide that may help him through the days. I don’t know what to say about the messaging / dating app. It sounds desperate.

You also need to look out for your own MH and seek support from your friends and family if you can so that you can pace yourself for your DCs and unborn baby.

Wishing you some peace at this dreadful time.