Should I really feel guilty about this?

[ArtemisOfOrtygia]

I'm getting married in the summer, which I'm of course extremely excited about. I'm the sort of person that keeps my personal and professional life quite strictly separate. I don't really make friends with people at work or talk to them about my personal life, nor do I talk about work much, or at all, with my family and friends. With that said, I get on really well with a colleague. Not that I get too personal with her, but I let it slip that I'm getting married soon. Every time I see her now, she asks about the wedding a lot. Which is fine, I don't mind at all. But recently it came up in one of our conversations that my fiancé will be the sole provider of our household and family when we get married and move in together. I will still work, but everything I earn I get to keep for myself entirely. On the other hand, I will be doing most of the cooking and cleaning. Not because he expects me to do these things, but because I want to do them. I love cooking, and cleaning is something that relaxes me a lot.

By the way, both myself and my fiancé originate from the Balkans (south-east Europe) where it's very common for men to take on the provider role and for women to be homemakers. Traditional roles are very normal to me is what I'm trying to say. But this colleague of mine is now saying "it's not right" and sexist of my fiancé to not demand of me to be a financial equal. She seems to think it's offensive for a man to be okay with his wife not contributing to paying bills. I'm honestly really confused. Is it really that terrible to have a more traditional marriage? Especially if both parties are completely happy with the arrangement and no one is being controlled or oppressed?

I don't think you should feel guilty, but it might be worth talking about what happens when you have children and how you are going to split childcare and childcare costs. If you aren't earning for a bit, will you be expected to live off your savings? What happens if things go wrong?

Well, it is sexist. You're happy with it because of your socialisation, not because it's entirely unproblematic.

How would this work if/when children come along?

But recently it came up in one of our conversations that my fiancé will be the sole provider of our household and family when we get married and move in together. I will still work, but everything I earn I get to keep for myself entirely.

Why on earth would you tell people this if you want to keep your work/personal life separate?!

Letting the fact that you’re getting married ‘slip’ is one thing. Telling someone at work about the ins and outs of your finances is another thing. Why would you do that?!

Well, it is sexist. You're happy with it because of your socialisation, not because it's entirely unproblematic.

This. If your socialisation had taken place somewhere else, or you'd begun asking questions about the gender norms you were socialised to before getting married,you wouldn't be in this situation.

Guilt is an entirely pointless emotion, but you are heading for a big heap of mess. So you're going to be working for pin money, but he pays all bills, and you do the cooking and cleaning. You have a baby -- what happens then? Are you sleepwalking into being a housewife who is entirely dependent on her husband's income?

I don't know how you correlate being a private person and telling colleagues about your personal financial set up in your relationship. That's more than saying you're getting married. That's over sharing.

You both need to live as you please, it's no one else's business, yes it's old fashioned and not for me, I prefer sharing, expenses and house work, but you do you,

Just stop broadcasting your business.

I don't think you should feel guilty, but it might be worth talking about what happens when you have children and how you are going to split childcare and childcare costs
Well, I don't live in the UK. We have a year of paid maternity leave here, and childcare is not as expensive as in the UK. So having children is not an issue. Aside from that, both my mum and my mum-in-law live close by, love children and are retired. They are practically waiting for us to have children they can look after.

If you aren't earning for a bit, will you be expected to live off your savings? What happens if things go wrong?
As mentioned, I will have an income during maternity leave, so no issues there. And even if I didn't get paid, my fiancé has given me a card that I can use as I want. Money is basically not an issue.

My fiancé is also a very high-earner. I don't technically have to work if I don't want to. He's not stingy with his money at all, either, he's not only given me a card I can use as I want, but I have access to his cards, too, whenever I need to.

Well, it is sexist. You're happy with it because of your socialisation, not because it's entirely unproblematic.
I don't know, I don't necessarily find paying bills appealing hehe. I don't think that comes down to how I was raised. Wouldn't anybody be happy if they didn't have to pay bills? But why do you think it's problematic in my particular situation? When there's no abuse or force involved?

How would this work if/when children come along?
Maternity leave where I live is with pay for a year. And as I mentioned above, my fiancé is a high earner. He has no issues with sharing his earnings with me, especially if I ever decide not to work for whatever reason. Children aren't an issue, neither are money. I'm just confused about why it's considered bad to have a more traditional marriage if it works for everyone involved, I guess.

Why on earth would you tell people this if you want to keep your work/personal life separate?!
I realise now it was a bad idea. The entire conversation started from her asking me where my fiancé lives. He lives in an area that's known to be expensive, she was the one who asked me how I would be able to afford living there. And I was the one dumb enough to get into details in defense.

This. If your socialisation had taken place somewhere else, or you'd begun asking questions about the gender norms you were socialised to before getting married,you wouldn't be in this situation.
Well, I wasn't born in the Balkans and I didn't grow in the Balkans either. I grew up in a society more similar to the UK. Where it's not the norm t have traditional marriages. When you are exposed to two different worlds, of course you question things.

Guilt is an entirely pointless emotion, but you are heading for a big heap of mess. So you're going to be working for pin money, but he pays all bills, and you do the cooking and cleaning. You have a baby -- what happens then? Are you sleepwalking into being a housewife who is entirely dependent on her husband's income?
I think you misunderstood my post. I don't work for pins, I have a great job and I earn really well myself. I'm not dependent on my fiancé at all, and I never will be.

As for balancing work, family and running a household. Again, I live in a different country where we, overall, work much less than people in the UK do. A full-time job here is 35 hours a week, and my workplace is extremely flexible with when people come and go. At the moment I work from early morning and get home by 13.30. That means I have the entire day to myself. And my children when I have some.

I think you misunderstood my post. I don't work for pins, I have a great job and I earn really well myself. I'm not dependent on my fiancé at all, and I never will be.

So why not split household bills 50/50 and the cooking and cleaning likewise?

If you are truly happy with the situation then its no-one else's business.

I don’t really understand the problem. Your colleague is likely just jealous.

As I understand it your husband will earn more than enough to pay all bills and spends, you can presumably save your entire wage which benefits you both, and you have a job you enjoy and you enjoy keeping house.

My only worry would be once you have kids. It changes the dynamic. You might find you resent cleaning more once there’s a mess everywhere. And he might shift into expecting your money to finance the children while nothing changes for him.

Who knows though.

So you're going to work, raise a baby, keep the house, and do the cooking and the cleaning, and your husband is going to.... work.

If it works for you, crack on, but I can see why your friend might have had some questions! Not to mention you may find cooking and cleaning less relaxing with small children in tow. (Although my friend loves a scrub of the oven after her toddler has been a git all morning, so each to their own.)

Hopefully you have a positive relationship that can be flexible in the future, if it becomes clear that the balance of responsibilities has shifted unfairly.

Is a housewife with control of their husbands finances emancipated, or a slave? Is she a slave if she herself made the choice and her husband could do nothing but agree?

I was brought up exactly the opposite way from your situation. Totally focused on being independent. I've had people trying to make me feel guilty, telling me i am a bad mum because i work full-time and have hobbies. You can never win...because we are all different and have different opinions. Don't feel guilty because one person gave you their opinion.

No certain way of living is a guarantee to a happy marriage (or an unhappy one) It's what you make of it.

Live your life the way you want. It’s no one else’s business.

Yes, you should feel guilty. In a world where women have been fighting for equality for decades in all areas of life, just because culturally it's been normal for a man to provide for the woman, you now think you can choose to bend the rules to financially suit yourself.

You're either for equality or not. If you choose the benefits of equality but pass on the burdens, you're a part of the problem of inequality not part of the solution.

Pay your way and release the guilt.

I find paying bills appealing he he because I am a law abiding citizen. Should I find a man like you to pay them for me?

So you have never lived with your Fiance?

It's only sexist/abusive/ all those other trigger words, if it's not the choice of both parties