Help! I need to know what is acceptable contact! (UK)

[Lillyanne13]

This is my first, and a long one.. I was in a happy relationship, until I fell pregnant, he pressured for an abortion which I wouldn't have. We broke up, he made his feelings clear (he wished for the baby to 'fall out of me') and I severed contact. The end.
Until last week, when he contacted (my mum) and threatened to take legal action if I refused contact. I started a dialogue with him, surprised but okay.. I can't deny access, I'm not a monster although I (justifiably) have some doubts. I now have concerns that he is going to expect to turn up after I give birth and just take my breastfeeding child away for days at a time. Which I'm not happy with as they will have a sibling here at home, will be young, will have to travel an hour in the car and the father doesn't have his own place. He lives in an overcrowded house, has no experience with children, and has a history of drug use and frankly irresponsible behaviour. Our relationship was very toxic for these reasons. Perhaps he will surprise everyone, grow up, clean his car and get his own place but this is doubtful to me.
Nevertheless I am not here to slander him, I am simply concerned that he will expect to take my newborn away, which I believe will be detrimental to his/her welfare and need to know what is usually acceptable contact? I am happy for visits, days out etc and then one day when I can see he is doing great with the baby, when they've grown up a little and I'm more comfortable with them travelling we can discuss further. But for now, my main concern is literally having a babe ripped from my arms. My previous child's father passed away, and so I haven't had to do this. Please help. I can't believe the position I'm in, I can't enjoy my pregnancy anymore because of the fear and I'm making myself sick.

You might get more help on the relationship board OP.

From the little I know from MN -and I may well be wrong - don't put him on the birth certificate and make sure baby has your surname (I presuming you weren't married) - he'd have to go to court to get parental responsibility. Keep copies of all correspondence.

Little and often, for example an hour at your house every other day, would be the norm granted for a breastfeeding newborn I believe. Certainly not overnights.

What Bip said and also cms immediately.

Okay thanks everyone. Can I repost this same message on the relationship board? No not married.

Report your thread and ask for it to be moved

Not on birth cert, your surname, regular but short visits (visits being an important word here, he visits you not taking the baby out to the zoo or whatever). I think generally courts will keep a breast-fed baby with their main care giver for overnights until the baby is 2, although that can obviously vary depending on circumstances.

Newborns also can't be in a car seat for longer than 20 minutes initially so it's not looking good for him travelling with the baby.

Try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy - he'll likely give up when he finds out how much the court fees will cost.

Thanks for the advice. Stressing so much I totally didn't even consider the car seat issue which is another completely reasonable point. Thank you guys, every little piece of advice is bringing reassurance.

We'll move this over to relationships for you now, OP.

How are you today, lillyanne?

Remember it's your baby that has the rights, not him. You need to keep your child safe and long visits with an irresponsible man who lives in crowded chaotic accommodation hours away from the baby's primary caregiver isn't going to be in the baby's interest.

Do not put him on the birth certificate. He has to prove himself worthy of a relationship with your child. This is not his automatic right. Let him apply for PR and visits. That will give you an indication of how seriously he's going to take fatherhood.

When the baby is born, if he is on the birth certificate get a Child Arrangement Order. Costs £215

Main benefit is that if he "kidnaps" baby, the police will return baby to you. Without one you have to go to court after the "abduction" which means not having your child for a while.

If you breastfeed then he can't take baby away as you are the food source. Dad would get short, frequent contact of say an hour 3 times a week.

I would wait to see if he took legal action after the baby is born. If he's chaotic in shared accommodation, he might decide that he can't afford it.

Feeling a little bit better, still struggling though. Didn't expect to have to navigate this mine field! What is a Child Arrangement Order?

A legal document that says exactly what days and times are Mum/dad days. What happens with regards to contact on child's birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day etc