How to actually broach a discussion with DH about dissatisfaction

[Tempt8tion]

Been reading a few posts and also started my own a few days back. Lots of things I identify with - lack of sex, and lack of satisfying sex, not feeling desired or special.

I do feel respected and like we are a team, but it’s all gone a bit platonic I think. Not helped by the fact we never had what I would call a wildly satisfying sex life, so it’s hard to rekindle what you didn’t have in the first place.

I feel crap about myself because deep down I knew the physical side wasn’t great from the start but he has so many other good qualities and I wanted kids PDQ that it seemed the right thing to do (to get married).

It still seems like the right thing to be together as we get on and are good parents together. But I feel so unfulfilled in the romance/sex department.

How do I start and how do I conduct a conversation about this without him realising I’ve never been 100% satisfied and without hurting his feelings and ruining things forever?

Please don’t be unkind as I’m already so cross and disappointed in myself.

If it's gone platonic, how about showing him you're a sexual being one night and just start masturbating in bed next to him. Any man would have to be a total dead fish to not get even remotely aroused himself so it's a good measure of where he's at mentally, plus he gets to find out what makes you tick so it's a win-win-win.

God, I could never do that! He would think I’d lost my marbles, or worse, think I’m weird or disgusting. I don’t think sex is a big deal to him, and whilst I wouldn’t go as far as saying he’s asexual, or gay, or has ED (like on the other thread about no sex in marriage), he definitely doesn’t like porn and is not really a very sexual person IYKWIM.

Do I need to just accept that this is how he is?

I think that’s what it feels unkind to broach this, as it can’t really help it?

I think you need to just come out and tell him then. If you think masturbation would be weird or disgusting then maybe you need to work on your own view of your sexual self. The human body in all its forms is beautiful and it's totally natural to want to take pleasure in and from it. I just took the masturbation example as an easy first step. It is a journey and if there is any way you could tell him that you'd like to masturbate with him just holding you then maybe he'd agree without any pressure on him (or you) to perform.

I can totally identify with your post. My DH is absolutely lovely in every other way, but sex just isn't a big deal to him. I feel like when we do have sex (not nearly often enough imo) it's more to keep me happy than because he really wants to and although it's enjoyable, I don't feel terribly desired. If anything my libido seems to be increasing and thus my frustration is too. I don't know what the answer is. I try to distract myself and be so busy with other things that I don't have too much time to think! I too get cross with myself for not appreciating all the great aspects of my relationship because I'm too focused on my present sexual frustration.

That’s interesting. I do masturbate, and have done since puberty so I don’t think it’s weird or disgusting, I’ve just never done it in the presence of a sexual partner, and for me, if my sexual partner did, I would take it as an indication that I wasn’t doing something right. Am I abnormal?

Ditto SugarMice about libido increasing and so is the frustration. Arghh!

I think maybe that’s the way to broach is - tell him my libido has increased. Maybe he hasn’t moved on from the times when I wasn’t so up for it (broken nights, breast feeding etc - even though that was a long time ago).

Do you hug, cuddle on the sofa, kiss? Affection that isn’t directly sexual but shows that you love each other and aren’t just sharing children and a home. Do you go on dates?

No we don’t hug or cuddle on the sofa or go on dates. I’m fed up of making the first move with stuff like this.

Increased libido is a great line to take - no blame on either side that way. Plus, tell him you accept that his libido is at the same level as always so you don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to and a good 'compromise' would be for him to just snuggle up and hold you.
You don't need to be a sexual person to hold someone in bed, but you do need to want that other person to be happy in their relationship. Hence, you get to know what value they put on your happiness without any issue of them having to put in their own performance IYSWIM.
Obviously don't turn into a hormonal teen wanting this every single night but a few nights a week, and eventually I'm sure that curiosity will get the better of him and he'll become a more 'active participant'

It doesn't sound like he thinks of you as his romantic partner. Its a huge thing to compromise on op, and you shouldn't make yourself continue compromising.

Thanks both, I really appreciate your posts. I do feel like it’s a massive compromise at the moment. I think my upbringing has made me place others wants and needs above my own and this is really hard to undo.

@Tempt8tion Oh, exactly this. I also had an upbringing where everyone else's needs come first and mine absolutely last. Not in a horrible way, just that that's the kind thing to do to put others before yourself, and maybe this has held me back from ever getting or asking for things I want. I totally get it x

You aren't alone OP, many many women find themselves in this situation. At least from your brief description your DH seems like a reasonable man? I think the time has come where you need a good heart to heart with him and tell your DH how you feel. How does he feel about the lack of a physical side in your relationship?
Picture yourself in this marriage 20-30 years in the future, when your kids have grown up, either one way or another things need to change.

I'm in this situation but it's my feelings that have gone, to the point where any intimacy makes me cringe. Always did a bit, I used to have sex because I felt guilty or actually just because he expected it and he would sulk a bit, sometimes a lot, if we didn't. Never really had that phwoar feeling with him, but we did enjoy sex I guess. Definite decline since children and I just assumed I wasn't that bothered. Recently though I've realised I really bothered, just not with him..
It's not been that long but I've recently started to just not want to at all, instead of just doing it to keep him happy. Now kissing even makes me feel nothing, or a bit ill.
However, we parent well, he's kind, he lives me, we are fine together, have fun sometimes...the thought of ending things because of my feelings just feels wrong, we would lose so much.
But, it's now hurting him, because he's going to end up miserable if there no affection and if the children see no affection. @Bearski77 we keep bumping into each other on these threads! But yes, what you say makes a lot of sense. I grew up seeing my mum put herself last, all the time. Also hearing her moan and grumble about my dad. Guess I've learnt that being unhappy is normal and that my needs don't count. I've become a martyr because of it and left things to fester for too long.

@Stegasaurusmum I think this might be my biggest problem. I know my mam has always lived her life for others, since her own mam died at a young age and she took over the role for her younger brothers and sisters. Then when she met my dad and started their own family, it all came round again when my brother got epilepsy at the age of 9, she's still living her entire life to take care of him 50 years later. Me and my brothers and sister just knew we had to fit it around this, and we automatically came second, third, etc. And now I feel like if I try to grab any kind of happiness, I shouldn't, because my mam never could. Does that sound crazy? So I put up with things, whether I like to or not, because I think I should.
I don't know how you break that. X

@Stegasaurusmum sorry to hear you’re in a similar place. This thread has actually made me realise it’s me as well that has gone off him. Like you say, I used to think I wasn’t bothered about sex generally, but realise I am. Just not with him - as you say. Pretty crap, huh?

I did have a weird thought/experience earlier, which is that if he wasn’t my husband and was, say, a single dad in my circles, I think I would really like/fancy him. I had a split second of looking at him in this way and thought maybe we have a chance. Its almost like I want us to split up/acknowledge the platonic relationship to start from scratch and flirt/be romantic again.

I do find that the humdrum of life and DC is just not really conducive to making effort in a marriage, but maybe I just have my priorities wrong and/or am a bit lazy.

@Bearski yy to the martyr DM and not feeling like I deserve happiness because she has never put her happiness first. Although, on the face of it, has been happily married to my step dad for a number of years.

@Tempt8tion could you broach a temporary separation with him? We are trying, well he is... I'm really done, but I'm going to try, as I know if I don't I'll feel terrible and will always regret it.
I'd really love to ask him to give us space but he's got nowhere to go... So it would be me leaving, for practical childcare reasons it would never work.
I find him attractive as a person in that when I look at him, but... I have properly gone off him, because of the daily grind, the kids, time spent on day to day stuff... Its probably gone too far for me, I'm too resentful. But I think if someone could work on things early enough then there might be a chance things could get better.

There might be something in Esther perel's mating in captivity that rings a bell with you. The picturing him as a single man and knowing you'd feel attracted to him is something I've imagined recently with my husband. I know that while I'm peddling hard to try to find that spark with him, that I would be devastated to see him dating someone else and he'd instantly appear more attractive. It's a real dichotomy. The irony is that he and a new partner would be enjoying all the aspects of a new relationship that I'm not getting from my husband and currently yearning for!
camillestyles.com/wellness/3-things-i-learned-about-sex-from-my-dinner-with-esther-perel/