How to leave kindly?

[Magenta82]

I need to end a relationship with the least amount of upset all round. I understand that he will be hurt, but I want to try to minimise this as much as possible.

We have been together about two and a half years and I moved in with him and his older teenage son in the summer. It isn't working out, I could list the reasons but there are loads of little ones plus a few things that have the potential to become huge. Basically I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. He has already told me that he feels that he is making more effort to make me happy, than I do to make him happy, I don't agree but can see why he thinks it.

I have rented out my flat so cant go back, but have a room sorted that I can move I to in a couple of weeks. I can take a few days off work for the actual move.

At the moment I'm trying to carry on as normal, not complain about anything etc because I don't want to start a fight. But then this might make things worse as it will be more of a shock when I do leave?

Do I pack my stuff one day, move it out and then tell him when he gets home? Do I tell him and then go back the next day to move out? How do I do it? What do I say?

Every option seems horrible I'd really appreciate any advice and the benefit of your experiences. Thanks!

I would make all of your arrangements and then tell him you have left him
I think the other way round has too much potential for problems and possibly aggression and an even worse argument you could end up feeling trapped.
You need to be kind to yourself too you know?

That's a tricky situation. I ended things nicely once but it was a longer relationship. I would opt for telling him/ them now, but be prepared you may have to leave early if they can't continue having you in their home.

It depends on how you feel he will react.

When I left my ex, I was frightened of him. I snuck a suitcase out the night before, told him face to face when he got home from work (sat him down and said "I'm sorry but this isn't working anymore. I loved you but I am really unhappy and I am leaving") and then left as soon as possible.

If I had to leave a relationship again, I think I'd do something similar though. I'd pack everything, get the documents I needed, tell him face to face, leave quickly. You can then meet up again in a couple of days for a longer conversation, and it gives him time and space to process his shock and hurt without having to watch you pack. You can always give him more time for discussion, but you can't have a second chance to protect yourself and your safety.

I think the kindest thing, if you are sure you need to leave, is to be quick and clear.

I think you should wait until you are actually ready to move out before you tell him. Any sooner and living in the same house until you can move out will be awkward at best, and possibly just unworkable, leaving you homeless for a few weeks.
Personally once you are ready I think a shirt, sharp shock rather than long drawn out discussion is the way to go. If there’s no way he can change your mind, present it as a done deal and leave as quickly as possible after.
Good luck!

Why don’t you go onto Airbnb right now and rent something starting today up until the time you’ve got something more permanent? Then tell him you’re moving out and go. Tell him you’ll pick your stuff up in a couple of weeks. If that’s not ok you’ll move it into a storage unit

Thanks for the advice so far. I'm leaning towards waiting until the room is ready, packing, telling him I'm leaving, and going pretty quickly. Then maybe we could talk a few days later.

Practically and financially it would be better if I can wait the 2 weeks. But if anything happens between now and then I will consider the Airbnb option.

I was on my way home yesterday and dreading getting there. I think because I had made my mind up that I was leaving I just couldn't stay another night let alone over a week.
I am sleeping on a friend's sofa and am going to stay with my parents for a while until I can move somewhere more permanent.
It sucked, he was gutted, I feel horrible, but I know it was the right thing.

When you dread going home that’s when you know it’s time to walk. I hope things become easier in due course

It feels horrible but you have done the most courageous thing: Leaving on time.

There’s no need to wait until resentment build up so much you start being nasty and vile to each other. He is hurt but he and you would be much better in the long run. The world is full of cowards making their partners, their children and themselves miserable because they don’t have the guts to leave.