Does anyone else feel haunted by guilt At possible cheating?

[Lalalalola]

I’ve not cheated on my boyfriend, however I worry all the time that I might have done when drunk in the past. I am entirely sober now (have been for nearly 4 years) but used to drink a hell of a lot and can’t remember loads of what I said and did. I am haunted by flashbacks of talking to a man from work in a very flirty way, I know for a fact nothing happened but it terrifies me to think if he had made a move would I have said no?? I worry what if the most sexy godlike man pursued me, would I have what it takes to say no? I love my boyfriend so it’s not that I am subconsciously wanting to cheat... I just worry that my ‘clean record’ is down to nothing but luck, and I might not have resisted in the past when drunk if anyone had tried to initiate anything. I keep waking up in the night or getting a terrible sinking feeling randomly at work when thinking about it all. Feel actually really unwell.

Nope. Don’t get into that state.

It sounds like you're suffering from anxiety or something hun. Are you down about anything else?

Therapy and/or seeing your GP might help. xxx

I get the impression this is fairly common in people in recovery (or even those of us who drank way too much at uni etc and did some questionable things). Maybe a way to keep punishing yourself? Keep reminding yourself it is ok- you didn’t do anything. All of us “could have” done any number of bad things but didn’t (apart from those on here who are angels and have never so much as thought about sinning )
Do you have group support like AA? I feel like others may have experienced similar

Nope. Don’t get into that state.

Same. Have been drunk and drank way too much on nights out but never have I been in a state of having no control or memory of every second.
No guilt here of possible or any other type of cheating either, that's another thing I can control.

Your post jumped out a mile as being possible cheating OCD. Does any of this ring true?

ocdlife.ca/what-is-cheating-ocd/

It’s a mental health issue and not uncommon, not a sign you’ve been unfaithful. If it sounds like it could be this then don’t worry, treatment is available. Go see your GP and ask for a referral to IAPT for CBT or google your area and IAPT to self refer. Or if you have the funds to pay privately you can access treatment much faster.

You don’t have to suffer with this and you’re not alone 💛

I was also just about to say that it sounds like a form of OCD.

A friend of mine had a similar thing where she worried she would kill her DD (for absolutely no reason).

Someone else I know had this form of OCD and kept thinking she might have run someone over (again, no reason, she hadn't run anyone over).

Nope. Don’t get into that state.

Very virtuous. If only we could all have been so sensible and great at 18... FYI I can have memory gaps even when I have not drunk that much. I can also have horrible guilt about having done something bad when I can remember every second of the night. Yes now I am older I rarely drink and this is part of the reason but it is not very helpful to OP to suggest turning back time and not drinking as much!

*when I can remember every second and know I have done nothing wrong

I too used to drink too much to the extent I went to AA to get help stopping.

You really need to try and stop beating yourself up about it. I did some shocking things in drink and even worse things after I stopped drinking unfortunately however life goes on and nobody died. My husband has no idea of the pickles I got into while drinking and he never needs to know - we are separating regardless, my marriage was part of the reason I drank.

Well done on stopping drinking like that, I know so well it's not easy. Embrace the new you and move on xx

My first thought was ocd, but I don't know enough about alcoholism to know if it is common to have negative 'punishing' thought patterns for example

Similarly, when I was early 40s I started having obsessive anxiety related worries about ridiculous things I would fixate on. It made me almost suicidal. Turns out it was just perimenopause. The thoughts stopped almost immediately on hrt

Go and speak to your doctor, is what I mean. Your thoughts are just thoughts, but I wonder why you are having them and maybe there is treatment out there.

You had blackouts?
Get well OP. It's over hopefully

Maybe he did proposition you and you said no?
Op this sounds like such a painful space to be in. We are all fallible, you need to find a therapist and do some work on forgiving yourself for being being human and therefore fallible.
What your describing is an elaborate way of beating yourself up. I really get it as I’ve been there, and therapy / meditation really helped me.