Who is the abuser?

[outherealone]

Guy in long term relationship with Woman and their kids. She is supposedly violent and abusive to him. He hit her when she was drunk and hitting him and scratching his face. He says he’s never retaliated until now, he says he pinned her down and said he hit her but in the retelling changed it to a slap and this was apparently his only way of stopping her in her tracks.
they have been volatile for twenty odd years and says he’s always let her hit him/ attack him but on this occasion he said he’s had enough.
She is saying that he hit her and he is saying it’s a slap in self defence. I’m really uncomfortable with this story, they’re both my friends but my natural instinct is always to take the woman’s side...she is wild and has impulsive temper but my gut is that he should have left. But in light of recent events and understanding more about dv now, I’m confused, is he a victim who was pushed too far or is she the victim?
Could also say both as bad as each other which is what a lot of people are saying.

@conduitoffortune yes that’s precisely why I think it bothers me. I have worked in a similar field and combined with my own experience it makes me very suspicious.

Of course either sex can be the perpetrators of DV.
Yes women are more likely to be victims just as male victims are less likely to seek help.
OP you know these people and their personalities. Why are you asking strangers who is telling the truth?

Because I am too close to the situation and have personal experience. People closer are saying it’s her own fault. I don’t want to ignore if someone’s in danger but I don’t 100% trust my own judgement here as I’m quick to see women as victims.

How kind of them. What lovely people she has wow. Clearly they both need help.

My ex would often hit me and throw things at me. When this happens repeatedly when you have walked out of a room, been followed, turned your back on someone and they continue to hit your back and neck, you do try to stop them by holding their wrists or pushing them away - that can appear to be violent.

I can see how he could have been put in that position by his wife. I can also see how he could put up with it for years without reacting.

How has this all come out, why is he telling people? You'll probably never find out the truth. Either way, they shouldn't be together.

I think she sounds more abusive than him, it's double standards for you to criticise him for the slap when she was already hitting and scratching him.

This will be outing, but..
I was attacked three times by an exGF before I finally left. I didn’t retaliate at all, although I obviously held her hands to try, unsuccessfully, to stop her scratching my face up.

I reported at a police station on the second occasion, but the two officers at the desk weren’t interested, despite the very visible and extensive cuts and bruising to my face and arms.

On the final incident they had to detain her (she tried to barge past two attending policemen - both very big blokes, much bigger than I was - to attack me again) and it took six of them to get her in handcuffs.

They STILL didn’t charge her and just allowed her to sleep off the booze in a cell overnight. I had to pursue my own injunction, without any help from them and pay for it myself. I could not have been worse served by the “system” (and unfortunately that still seems to be a feature, for men and women) and none of those incidents will have been recorded as DV or even common assaults, which has left me very dubious about all the stats that get flung around on this subject.

I stayed with her at first because we’d been together for a few years and she had things going on which I was sympathetic about. I still thought I loved her. Thank God we hadn’t had any kids or I would have stayed anyway.

I also didn’t have any close friends where we were living and felt too embarrassed to open up to my family or anyone at work. Had I had someone to really talk to then I’d have been out of there sooner (at least I hope so) and I don’t think I could stand by and say nothing if I saw a similar situation with any of my friends.

Mumsnetters will never say it’s the woman’s fault. It’s always men who are the abusers. It disgusts me

@CupoTeap it came out in a discussion about recent media events. She outed him to some mutual friends and he defended the story. It really upset me at the time. The whole media thing upset me anyway due to personal experience of both dv and suicide and then this came up and just upset and confused me.

@Onetwothreeeee that is so not true. I have seen many women on here called out for violent behaviour. Sometimes I feel people go in too harsh on here just to make a point of being diverse aware.

Thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences.

I would say to both of them that if they want to leave the other then I could offer them support. But it doesn’t sound like they are separating and it doesn’t sound like your friend approached people in a cry for help but rather because she was seeking attention - it really depends on the way she broached it.

Anyway 20 years and they don’t seem tired of it. Tell them they need help and then distance yourself.

Do not take sides. That just perpetuates bad behaviour, and says one is right and one is wrong. You cannot know what went on. However it is a clear warning sign. Tell them not to ignore this.

Say to them they both need to tell a professional what is going on and say you strongly feel that their relationship is not good and needs to separate.

If your post happened as you say, then I would say the abuser is her. One slap in retaliation/self-defence - after a prolonged period of abuse - does not an abuser make.