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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Getting over my betrayal

17 replies

Unsurecat · 18/02/2020 17:47

7 months ago my gf and me weren’t getting on, I wasn’t giving her enough of something and more she kept trying the more I pulled away. So she ended things with me, to be honest I was angry with her but also relieved as it was just too much. Anyway that weekend I went out with friends and ended up in bed with one of them. The moment I woke up I regretted it and I didn’t know what to do. I realized I missed my gf and knew I wanted her back. I told her everything and that I wanted to try again but I found the guilt very hard. It took time but we decided to get back together. The problem is, she’s not totally over it, she says she feels betrayed by the whole thing and I don’t know how to stop her feeling like that. How can I make her see how much she means to me so she stops feeling sad about something that I wish never happened. I have done everything she’s asked and although most of the time it’s fine, it still pops up occasionally and I know she’s still hurting.

OP posts:

Delbelleber · 18/02/2020 17:51

Hmm don't think I'd get over that. Trust would be long gone.

HopefullyAnonymous · 18/02/2020 17:56

So you’d broken up at the time?

Fairycake2 · 18/02/2020 17:58

You can't do anything to stop her feeling like that. All you can do is be patient and try to prove she means the world to you and that you'd never cheat. Technically you weren't together but I can understand why she's pissed off. Only time will tell if she will ever really trust you again

goldenorbspider · 18/02/2020 18:04

So you was on a break?

Original poster

Unsurecat · 18/02/2020 18:08

Yes I thought we had broken up, she says we needed space and grownups don’t break up and jump into bed with someone the next day and that if she had meant something to me then I wouldn’t of been able to do it. But that’s not true, I was upset, drunk and wasn’t thinking straight and now I don’t know what to do about it

OP posts:

mamato3lads · 18/02/2020 18:15

She needs to heal. Only time will tell if she can. I wouldn't be able to.

You will have to be patient, consistent, expect her to ask questions and if she hasn't, then she should. She needs to work through this and deal with every little niggle. Might mean some uncomfortable conversations. Always so hard to come back from betrayal, drunk or not, you know that's a bollocks excuse.

Good luck

OhCaptain · 18/02/2020 18:19

YOU WERE ON A BREAK!

Sorry...

BraveGoldie · 18/02/2020 18:19

If she explicitly ended things with you then I don't think you did anything wrong. You have every right to have a stupid rebound shag when you are dumped.

In fact her being pissed off about that would suggest to me she was dumping you as a manipulative tactic to get you to run back and apologize etc.... which I wouldn't like at all.

However, if it was a more ambivalent - "let's give each other space for the weekend" or something , then yeah.... that was dumb and wrong to jump into someone else's bed....

And indeed you have some repairing to do... the best advice I could give is to listen to her feelings, validate them, care about them, fully acknowledge they you did a terrible thing you regret, and demonstrably do what you can to prove your love and commitment....

PicsInRed · 18/02/2020 19:37

Well, yeah, technically you didn't cheat - but it won't have made her feel very special, will it? And the fact that you jumped straight into bed with one of your mates is also going to give her food for thought and issues trusting you around that friend - and possibly others.

Frankly, I'm not sure how you realistically can come back from this. A time machine and treating her better to begin with is likely the only answer.

RLEOM · 18/02/2020 19:48

Is it a mutual friend? Someone she knows?

Original poster

Unsurecat · 18/02/2020 20:20

No not a mutual friend but someone who she had heard of and had an issue with. Iv now basically cut contact with this friend, well she’s also stopped talking to me when I got back with my gf. I know what I did was wrong.
How do I now prove my love and commitment to her?

OP posts:

OhCaptain · 18/02/2020 20:55

Well, you can’t really, can you?

Time will tell if you stay together. But if she can’t get over it then this relationship won’t do either of you any good!

PicsInRed · 18/02/2020 21:55

Right, so you were sniffing around this friend, your gf knew it, and the first thing you did on breakup was shag the friend. It wasn't what you hoped and you're now back wanting a warm bed another chance with gf. You can't just jump in and out as you see fit. Relationships aren't the fucking Circle Line.

dottydaily · 18/02/2020 22:27

Time will tell...if she can’t move past this there ain’t much you can do...you have reassured her that’s all you can do..if she continues to question you and fret over what happened,,ye both can’t progress in a relationship...give her some time but eventually you need to ask if she thinks it’s possible to move on and stop bringing it up...if she can’t then go separate ways...

Ughmaybenot · 18/02/2020 22:31

Sorry but I wouldn’t trust you either, it would take a long time to get over that hurt and it’s only been seven months. Long story short, you had this ‘friend’ lined up before you broke up with your girlfriend, or it wouldn’t have happened so quickly, plus she already knew, she had a feeling, about this particular woman. I mean, it’s not great is it?

Original poster

Unsurecat · 19/02/2020 08:11

So what can I do? I know I should of appreciated what I had and put this effort in last year instead of sniffing around someone else but I didn’t and I regret it and I want to make up for it. I love my girlfriend and hate what I’ve done.

I do sometimes worry that she only got back with me because it’s easier though and that I’ll put all this effort in and she will leave me when she can when her children are older, they are 5 and 4 and she would find it harder to get out to meet someone new, so what then? What if she never loves me the same as she did? She says she does but how can she when she’s still hurting

I just want to know what the best thing is? I want to stop her from feeling sad. Would it be better if I finished it all together because I’m sure she would be over it all by now if we hadn’t got back together, she wouldn’t be reminded and would be happier, although she says she wants to be with me.
Iv messed up and now need help to fix it

OP posts:

Ughmaybenot · 19/02/2020 11:01

Well you’ll never know for sure, it’s just a risk you’ll have to take. You can never predict the future or what someone else is truly thinking.
To be honest, you keep saying you want to make it work, but then counterbalancing that with suggestions of jacking it all in, or thinking (hoping?) she will end it for you. No judgement, but being completely honest with yourself, do you think there’s a part of you who saw the chance to really put the nail in the coffin of your relationship by shagging someone else and did so? If you had been happy and 100% invested in your relationship, you’d not have been lining someone else up. Just a thought.
Regardless of what you choose to do, you can’t just wave a magic wand and it’s fixed. She’s still hurt, and hurt takes time to work through.

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