Desperately need advice please x

[p3achnation]

Hi,

This is a very complicated situation and I’m looking for honest advice and opinions please.

So here it goes...
Me and my partner have been together for 7 years now, we have a LO who is 2.5 years old who is our life.

Our relationship wasn’t great before we had LO but me being young and naive thought once the baby was here it would change things.

Me and my partner seem to have grown apart, we got together when we were very young when we were different people. We currently live together in his house and I feel trapped and feel like I can’t leave. For starters me and LO have nowhere to go if I leave and money is tight due to me being part time at work.

I don’t want to break up our family unit but I’m not happy at all, I feel so guilty for LO for taking her away from her dad if I leave. The longer I leave it the worse it’s going to be for her?

He is non the wiser to how I feel as we never speak about anything, we’re not in a relationship we simply just live under the same roof taking care of DD. He wants to save up for us to buy a bigger house, he is very career & money driven whereas as long as all of my bills are paid and DD has everything she needs I’m pretty laid back. It is impossible for to even think about saving for a house due to being part time and not really wanting to buy a house with him.

We split briefly before and I wish now that I never went back, I’ve really tried for the sake of our child to make it work.

We’re also not intimate at all, this doesn’t bother me due to not wanting to be intimate with him but he must know something isn’t right?! I am so sexually frustrated and I don’t want it to get to the point where I do something I regret!

What do I do for the best in this situation I am so stuck, we have a holiday booked for later on in the year. I don’t want to take DD away from her dad but I’m so unhappy and unsatisfied in this relationship?!

You know what to do hun. Leave, if money is tight you can probably claim UC for the credits etc to help with your DD.

Life's too short to be miserable for years on end. xxx

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Do not use your child as any sort of reason to remain with this man, she will not say "thanks mum" to you for doing that to her. She will perhaps even wonder why you put him before her.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. She is not the glue nor should be at all used as such to keep you and this man together. She needs to learn too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

The holiday should be cancelled forthwith. No point whatsoever going on holiday with him and that is no reason to stay with him either.

This man has a choice ultimately whether he steps up or not with regards to his daughter. He can choose to be a kind and consistent father to her in terms of contact when you and he are apart; you are not necessarily taking her away from him. You and he together are not good at all and that is no legacy between the two of you to show her. I would certainly formalise all contact arrangements.

Knowledge is power here; seek advice and support from Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations. There is help out there for you. Consider also what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and unlearn the rubbish through counselling.

You need to leave. Do you have parents / friends that you can confide in and that can help you ?

I’m afraid that this situation shows you just how important money and financial security really is. It gives you choices and independence.

Of course you need to end things and do so in a way that is best for the child. You will both remain as parents and there is no reason that either of you won’t be a big part of his or her life.

There are ways you and he can make separation work for your child. But it means both of you taking on responsibilities you currently don’t.

Would it not make sense to actually talk to him first, and tell him how you feel?

Hi, thanks everyone for your honest and helpful advice it is very much appreciated!

We have spoken before but we don't get anyway as it always ends up in an argument or disagreement about something or other. Believe me I have tried!

LemonTT what do you mean by "we need to take responsibilities that we currently don't" ??

It means you will both be single parents. Doing things on your own without reliance on the other. Like finding and paying for your own home.

The atmosphere in the house must be terribly confusing for your DC , a family unit is where your mum and dad don’t even like each other
Perhaps you need to factor this toxic confusing environment into your reasoning

Thanks again for your replies.

I think we definitely need to sit down and speak properly about the situation. I need to get a plan in place, maybe get some external advice about help with housing etc. for now I'm going to try and save as much money as I can to try and get out x

Saving money takes time though and this is not a luxury you have an awful lot of. The longer you stay within this situation, the more hard it could appear for you to actually leave so I would look into planning your exit asap and certainly sooner rather than later.

Where are your parents here; is moving back in with them a possibility here?. Have you contacted the council or Shelter?. Looked at the government website entitled to?.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she seeing and learning from you two here?. Its not good at all for her to see this, this cannot and must not be the relationship template she learns from.

Talking to him further; well you've already done that and you will again get precisely nowhere with him. He does not want to know and seems quite happy as he is. You also write that the two of you never speak about anything; you are but two people unrelated to each other living under the same roof.