Controlling?

[AllClear0]

I believe this is the start of controlling behaviour but would like other people's opinions.
In a relationship with an otherwise lovely man.
The behaviour that causes concern was demanding to check my phone, has only happened once and that check seemed to satisfy him that I wasn't involved with any other men.
Prior to this was accused of meeting someone on a night out with friends once.
He also believes I shouldn't have male friends or be friends with an ex. I'm aware he'd also prefer I didn't have nights out with friends.
Above sounds controlling but he's also older and old-school.
I'm encouraged to see friends (but with my children on playdates, or out with him). I'm not told who to be friends with or what to wear etc.
I haven't been in a relationship like this before. It seems difficult to separate jealously/insecurity and controlling. With love.

Yes, this is massively controlling. All of it.

Well done for questioning it and realising this isn't right. I'm sorry but your only option is ending it. Or it will get worse and worse.

He’s controlling. You just described my exH.

Yup. Controlling and lots of red flags. You're "not told who to be friends with or what to wear" only because he hasn't got to that stage yet. he's easing you into it.

Checking your phone, complaining about male friends, being uncomfortable with nights out that don't involve him - these are all concerning. It sounds like the relationship is relatively early days but I don't see this improving at all.

Incidentally, with the exception of the phone checking, I know a woman where things started out like this. And it was all "oh, he's insecure, he's had a tough life" etc etc etc. Now she doesn't ever go out, even to the gym, and stresses completely if she's even late from work or doing chores.

Absolutely controlling. There's nothing 'old school' about that. He simply wants you to be a puppet dancing to his tune. Do not allow that.

By all means tell him you will not tolerate these demands and give him a chance to allow you the freedom you deserve but anything else happens then dump him.

Re your comment:-

"The behaviour that causes concern was demanding to check my phone, has only happened once and that check seemed to satisfy him that I wasn't involved with any other men.
Prior to this was accused of meeting someone on a night out with friends once.
He also believes I shouldn't have male friends or be friends with an ex. I'm aware he'd also prefer I didn't have nights out with friends".

This is controlling behaviour on his part and thus abusive. It has NOTHING to do with him being older and or old school. Abuse is about power and control; this man wants absolute over you here. His actions here are in no way loving ones.

This relationship should therefore be at an end. He may well make promises to change but he will not; this is who he is.

I would also urge you to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Consider also what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and unlearn the crap through counselling. Do not enter into any other relationship until your boundaries are far more sorted. You are vulnerable and remain vulnerable to abusers and they will sniff you out like this man has done.

Disappointingly confirms what I sadly thought.
The not saying who to be friends with/what to wear I mentioned, as came up as a regular control type act.
I haven't been in a controlling relationship previously.
I support my children, have a decent job and own my own house.
Pathetically as it's so different to previous relationships, such as ex-h. I like the caring what I'm doing and who I'm with and serious enough to embarrass himself by demanding my phone to check. (I realise how embarrassing that sounds on my part).
It is a new relationship, around six months. We have simply started staying over the odd night at each others house.
He has spoken of living together in the future and being financially supported ny him.
(However, I have always been independent and wouldn't ever risk the life my children and I have. I'm well aware living in his house and being kept by him would be ridiculous and leave us vulnerable).
I just fall to comprehend why someone would want to control someone else. What the point is, why would you want someone to do what you want all the time, etc.

Dh was a bit insecure when I first met him as I had lots of male friends. He made one comment, once. I made it clear it was ridiculous and silly. We had an argument. He came back a day later and apologised completely. told me it was his own insecurity and it wouldn't happen again. And it never has. Ever. And we've been together 15 years. I head out to meet a male friend or girl friends or whatever and he waves me off telling me to have a good time.

A bit of insecurity or jealousy at the beginning of a relationship is understandable but acting on it or trying to change your partner as a result isn't.

Abuse like he is doing can be seen to be "caring" behaviour but please take my word for it that it is not.

Do read this article; Dr Joe Carver here knows what he is talking about as does Lundy Bancroft. Do read his book too called Why does he do that?.

drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm

Some abusive men also target single mothers because they think that such women are so desperate for male company that they would put up with any old shit. Your boundaries, perhaps already weakened by previous ill treatment, will be further lowered by this man and indeed already have.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no relationship model either to be showing your children because its an abusive model.

End this by text; you do not owe him anything here let alone a relationship. And do not JADE him either; that is justify, argue, defend or explain. Love your own self for a change OP; your children will also thank you for doing that.

Make no mistake either OP: this man hates women. ALL OF THEM.

Make it clear you don't want to live with him. Your children come first and your job is important to you.

You describe my exh. I totally get where you are coming from in that it can seem loving and that part of it can be intoxicating. But in the end, he'll destroy you, and your children along with it.

There's nothing for you here op, I would move on. Sorry x

Thank your advice. I'll read the article and book (as I fail to understand the reasoning behind controlling behaviour).
We had actually had an argument previously where I was convinced what he said hadn't happened. I was so confused and thought had I got things wrong (then read through messages which fortunately confirmed I wasn't going mad!) And ended things stating he's gaslighting (but we of course got back together).
I have said whilst sounds nice not having to work, I wouldn't ever not have a career and earn my own money and that I haven't worked for fifteen plus years to have a career, to end up being kept financially. Especially as I've already gone through the difficult baby/toddler and working FT stage. He accepted this but has since said it's an offer for the future.
He had been married for twenty-five years, his ex-w had accused him of being controlling in the divorce papers. (Although I also see maybe wrongly, what an easy life she had compared to mine. SAHM, job title and salary through his Company. Cleaner, gardener and PT time Nanny and not having to work FT) but I only know his side.
I'm aware this thread is only my version but the gaslighting and the feeling of controlling acts are instinctive.
I certainly don't want to be controlled and my children see this as a normal relationship, when we've been fine without a man in our lives.

He wants to check your phone, control what you wear and who you see, and for you to give up your financial independence? No thank you!

His ex-w is the best clue to what he’s like. It wasn’t an easy life or she would still be leading it. He’s clearly into coercive control and not wanting his partner to work is part of that. So much easier to trap someone who is isolated, has no financial independence and questions their own perceptions because they are being gas-lit. He only wants you to meet friends with him or your children so that you can’t have independent, adult conversations with them. This is actually really sinister. He is already planning how to trap you. And he has already tried to gaslight you. If he isolates you from friends and family and you have no financial independence, it makes it much harder for you to get away. Of course he’s otherwise charming - if not, you would immediately have run a mile. Great to see that you will be reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You will find that an enlightening read. This man is bad news.

My husband has a lot of female friends (from high school and uni) he regularly texts and sees. I have met them all, but most of the time he sees them by himself (I'm usually invited but I suffer from social anxiety so this isn't something I enjoy doing and most of the time I pass).

I don't particularly love it, but I wouldn't dream of telling him not to see his friends or demanding to see his phone. The bottom line is I trust him and he's never given me reasons not to.

Can you confront your OH and ask why he's even with you if he clearly doesn't trust you? It must be torture to be with someone you don't trust.

He wanted to check your phone because he thinks you are the kind of woman who sleeps around, lies to him and cheats on him. That's what he thinks of you. That he still wants to be in a relationship with you means that he thinks all women are like this. It means he feels he has to be ever vigilant to keep you faithful.

Also he assumes your dream is to be a kept woman. Never a thought that being independently successful might be your dream.

In essence he believes deep down in his heart that all women are gold digging sluts.

Run away.

I decided after thinking this was serious enough to post about and ask people's opinions, with a general consensus to run! I ended things via message, as I can't take the risk of being with someone controlling, especially with young children.
This was before the weekend, he accepted it. Stated he wouldn't be friends as this would be being unfaithful to future partners and I don't imagine I'll hear from him again (hopefully). All very odd but at least no longer involved and have to worry about his intentions or waste anymore time.
Thank you!

Haven't posted but was reading and I'm so pleased.and relieved
You have definitely done the right thing for you and your children as it would have only got worse the longer you were together
I think his last comment on not staying in contact as he would consider it being unfaithful to future partners which completely reinforced his views on women as being unable to just be friends with men
Well done onwards and upwards